The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘romance’

Attn: Ellen (5/21/14)

Front

Ellen171a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen171b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

While some may see this as kitschy romance, I choose to see it as a threat.

‘My dearest,

You neglected to tell me your parents would be visiting while you are on business travel. Hmm.

Love stinks,
The spouse’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen (4/30/14)

Front

Ellen168a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen168b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If my fiancé decides she would like us to write our own vows I am just going to describe this postcard’s picture, as though it is her and me on the cover.

“And in the hazy distance were stallions … And ducks.”

Now THAT’S romance!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Holy Crap It’s Valentine’s!

Today, if you are somehow still unaware, is Valentine’s Day. Today is a day that is dedicated to showing your affections to someone. This is a great concept – “hey, remember your significant other? In case you had forgotten this day is a slap in the face to remind you of why that person is your significant other!”

Unfortunately, the day has become associated with proving your affections rather than showing them. And you can’t have proof without hard evidence in the form of stuff that costs money. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone, but as a guy this is the fear. You had better have planned some kind of magical night that shows just how much you care, or you will be compared to the idealized version of what romance is on Valentine’s Day, and you will be seen as lesser. So step it up, hot shot.

But wait. What if today was Valentine’s Day in a romantic comedy? (A stereotypically adored thing by these feared female significant others.)

 ***

Here’s what you do: Tell your date to get dressed up and you do the same. Bring her some flowers, a card, and head to a beautiful, out of your budget, fancy place for dinner. Tell the host or hostess (maître d’ if you’re real fancy) your name and that you are a party of two. At that moment you will hear those dreaded words, “I’m sorry … Your name is not on the list …”

What!? But you made the reservation like a MONTH ago!

You go back and forth but eventually leave, dejected. Your significant other is telling you that guy was a jerk, and that maybe you guys could just go home and make dinner together, that’d be sweet? And you say “NO! If you … If you don’t mind some subpar foods I’ve got an idea …”

You drive her home, tell her to change into something comfortable (not “something … comfortable“) and say you’ll be back. In reality though, you never had reservations, but you do have a simple picnic lunch in your trunk. Some turkey sandwiches, cut up fruit, and a little dessert. You wait around a bit then drive to a nearby park. It’s romantic and cheap. You win!

(In the romantic comedy the guy probably WOULD have had reservations, and the last minute fix picnic meal would truly have been a last minute fix … But hey, different route, same conclusion, so it’s all good right?)

OR.

Just buy or make something that shows how much you care and it is something she would adore because it’s some quirky thing that only she would enjoy and that shows that you know her really well. Something like that.

Best of luck, folks.

Attn: Ellen (1/1/14)

Front

Ellen151a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen151b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I think New Year’s might be the most romantic holiday of the year because so many people go to bed with such an optimistic view of their future selves due to resolutions.

Here’s to hope, and a lovely 2014!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (9/4/13)

Front

Ellen135a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen135b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I remember going to a movie when I was in college and there were two middle-school-ish aged kids near me on a date. They managed to have the least romantic kiss almost the entire movie (almost like someone super glued their lips together).

These polar bears are instead going for the eat-your-face-off kiss. Romance!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

But Darling, They Say it Won’t Work!

Love at First Sight

From the Houston Museum of Natural Science. In the Hall of Love That Burns so Bright it Blinds You. (One of those is a fact, the other is not.)

To My Girl, With Adoration (and Corrections)

It’s hard to believe, seven years ago was our first date
(Not to be nit-picky, but it was actually eight)
I bought you dinner, and you bought us ice cream for dessert
(It was actually some frozen yogurt)

We went on a walk, enjoying the beautiful weather
(It was so cold I had to borrow your sweater)
You looked so cute in that flower-print dress
(Is your memory under some form of duress?)

You have the most beautiful blueish-green eyes I’ve ever seen
(Define what you mean by ‘blueish-green’?)
I hope our daughter has your beautiful brown locks
(It’s light chestnut! … Not to get on my color-wheel soapbox)

You always smell like lilacs, lavender or Ungaro
(You’re just saying the fancy smell-words you know)
I made you this CD, it has our old song
(It’ll be fun to see how you got that one wrong)

I just want you to know how much you mean to me
(I like you and your bad memory)
Even as I get older and my mind starts to fade
(I will be your memory maid)
I’ll always know how much you mean to me

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