The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘God’

Attn: Ellen (5/25/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Have people given serious thought to the idea that God exists? And second of all, that God is out of His/Her gourd on drugs? Just look at nature. “Ohhh dude … grab the red paint and like, just, the whole necks in red … woah, harsh, add some black racing stripes. Oh super rad. Ok now like, make it look like grass is growing on their bellies. Sick! OK, now …”

It’s just funny given how colorless some church are when natures seems like a celebration of variety, vibrance, color.


Why am I doing this?

Other Things God Tried Before the Silent Treatment

God, who is currently undergoing the longest known example of ‘the silent treatment,’ tried other things to get humanity’s attention first:

  • Calling, but hanging up before humanity could answer, then waiting for humanity to call back
  • Saying ‘what?’ and then when humanity responds ‘…what’, God says with annoyance, ‘oh, I thought you said something’ and then there’s a silence that’s even heavier than what it was before the exchange
  • Sighing really loudly while deliberately not looking at humanity
  • Having one of God’s friends call humanity and say, ‘hey what’s your deal? Why are you being so rude to God?’
  • Being super sweet to humanity and then when humanity does the slightest thing wrong getting even angrier

The Origins of Carrot Top

Lets say, for the sake of this post, that there is a God. Some beyond comprehension THING that has created everything that we know.

That would be time consuming. At least for us, because our minds don’t comprehend this THING.

In order to create all of us, that THING would end up doing a lot of duplicate work.

“Ok another human, basic ingredients: 2 ears, one heart, etc, etc.”

This ultimate THING probably has a huge Rolodex of recipes for creating stuff. But I bet the MAGNIFICENCE has it memorized because, if anyone could memorize all that, it’d be God.

Anyhow due to all the duplicate work the divine being would maybe create a GUI or graphical user interface.

In the Earth project God would click on the project and say Add->New and then Human. Then Human would have another drop down and, because they seem to always have this, there would be your standard options and then an ‘Other’ option.

Carrot Top is from the Other option.

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