The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Attn: Ellen (5/1/19)

Front

 

Ellen397a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen397b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This is a sneak peak at Iowa’s next big tourism campaign. ‘Corn me up, Scotty.’ It’s expected to be as successful as all their other campaigns.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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Attn: Ellen (4/24/19)

Front

 

Ellen396a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen396b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I wonder who the first pirate ‘doctor’ was who was like, “he’s gonna lose a leg?! Quick! Fetch me that stick! I’ve got an idea …”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Prison Test

Dear reader,

Are you going to federal penitentiary anytime soon? I’ve got a theory I’d love for you to try.

You hear on movies and TV shows that the way you establish dominance in prison is to go and find the biggest person on your first day and pick a fight with that person.

But listen to this.

My theory is instead if on your first day you get a banana and eat it, that’ll do it. But not just any typical eating a banana, you eat the WHOLE banana. Bite after casual, enjoying this banana like anyone would enjoy a banana except I’m also eating the peel, bite.

And maybe also laugh occasionally. Say ‘no!’ to the banana like it told you something outrageously funny or offensive, and then slip in one or two very coy and slightly sexual ‘maybe.’

Let me know if 1, you’re going to prison; 2, you try this; 3, how it works out.

Thanks in advance.

yellow bananas

Photo by Juan Salamanca on Pexels.com

Good Friday

Jesus: Welcome to Heaven!

Dead Guy: Wow … Jesus?

Jesus: Yep.

Dead Guy: Wow! Imagine … dying on Good Friday and you’re the first person I meet!

Jesus: Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Yeah. It was Good Friday.

Jesus: But what’s Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Uh … well … it’s to commemorate … you dying … for … our sins?

Jesus: Yeah. Yeah. I remember the day. But why’s it Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Cause um … you’re so good to us?

Jesus: You know I was tortured that day.

Dead Guy: It … But …

Jesus: (sighs) Anyway um … Welcome.

Attn: Ellen (4/17/19)

Front

Ellen395a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen395b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

At my son’s daycare they send ‘incident reports’ if he gets banged up. The most recent one was, “[your son] was sitting on a friend, and the friend scratched his face.” The led me to conclude I wouldn’t last a day at daycare.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Mother’s Iced Oatmeal Cookies

Mom: Did you hear my big news?

Child: Uh … yeah … Dad told me …

IMG_20190331_194006607Mom: Well!? Isn’t it just such a wonderful idea!?

Child: Uh … yeah … it’s exciting, mom.

Mom: Everyone has just always had such wonderful things to say about my cookies! And now everyone in the world can have them since I’m going into business!

Child: Yeah, your cookies …

Mom: Yes?

Child: They … keep. They keep better than any other cookie. Fresh or three weeks old, you can’t tell a difference.

Mom: Well, what an unusual compliment!

Child: I mean they’re good … It’s just like … Every time you have one you’re like, ‘oh yeah. This flavor.’

Mom: Now everyone will know that same delightful experience!

Child: Maybe you could have a recipe on the back to make something else with the cookies.

Mom: Like a cookie pie?

Child: No I was thinking like … a shed. Or the hull of a shipping vessel.

Mom: Hmm. Your dad said skyscrapers.

Child: Oh yeah! That’s a good one, dad.

Mom: Well. You can’t have any of these that are about to come out of the oven.

Child: All right! Thanks mom!

Mom: …

Attn: Ellen (4/10/19)

Front

 

Ellen394a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen394b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think, in the history of Welch’s, anyone has even been fired for saying ‘hey! That’s really grape news!’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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