The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Donald Trump Having Coyotes Explained to Him

(Interior, Oval Office)

Trump: Someone get in here. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
White Personnel: Sir? What’s the matter?
Trump: I just heard on the news that coyotes are smuggling people into the United States?
WHP: Yes, sir, that’s true. That’s why we need that wall.
Trump: What’s the biggest enemy of the coyote?
WHP: Uh … good law enforcement, sir?
Trump: Road runners. Road runners are smarter than coyotes every time.
WHP: Ah, uh … sir …
Trump: Do our border patrol people have road runners working for them?
WHP: Well, sir …
Trump: SHAM! FALSE! We need road runners and we NEED THEM now.
WHP: Sir a coyote is a word for a person, it’s not an actual coyote. It’s a word for a person who smuggles people.
Trump: (sighs heavily) You’re fired. You can’t tell me we don’t need road runners. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE.
Second WHP: Sir? Is there a problem?
Trump: First, Tod’s been fired. Second, get me the best road runner trainer in the United States. I’ll start searching YouTube.
Second WHP: Of course, sir.

Two aides leave.

(Exterior, Oval Office)

Second WHP: Fired again, Jennifer?
WHP: Yeah, fourth time today.
Second WHP: So … road runner trainer?
WHP: Yeah, he’s basing a decision on old cartoons again … ‘coyotes’ …
Second WHP: Ohhhh. Oh. Oh my God. He doesn’t cease to amaze, huh?

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Do You Need New Dishes?

Coming up soon is the Superbowl, a football game played between the winner of the AFC playoff bracket and the NFC playoff bracket. It’s a big deal to some.

Here’s where that comes in handy for you, my dish-needing friend.

Invite a bunch of people over for the Superbowl, but maybe limit the guest list to friends you have who you think have good taste. Tell everyone you’ll provide the drinks and some entree type items, but everyone needs to bring a bowl with a dip and whatever food goes in the dip. Easy, fun, delightful. Win, win, win.

Everyone comes over, the game’s on, then it’s halftime and everyone has to pay attention to that, and then … the game comes back on. Everyone is engaged but it’s a bit of a lull as far as focus is concerned. Everyone has done their catching up, the game has been on a bit, no one is THAT focused on anything and here’s when you strike.

“Hey guys, if we had a super … BOWL party here … like, picking the best bowl, not the food in it but like the dish itself … who would win?”

Now, most people in the room are going to look at you like you’re an idiot or just plain old annoying. But two, three, or maybe even four people are going to say, ‘hmm’ and really look at those bowls.

You should go shop for your new dishes with one of those people.

ceramic bowl with cereals

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Attn: Ellen (1/23/19)

Front

ellen383a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen383b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This postcard is culturally significant because it is a photo of New Orleans at its cleanest.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

P.S. Sorry if this seems like a dig at your city … I mean, I guess it is. So instead, sorry if it offends?

Why am I doing this?

 

Let There Be ART!

Our new daycare routine involves picking up our son’s ‘art’ at the end of the week. I apologize, kiddo, for calling it ‘art’ and not art. Who am I to know? Who am I to judge?

I’ll give you a sample.

img_20190117_170652876

There. Judge me for calling it ‘art’ but I will tell you that this was him drawing a penguin. So … you know.

BUT! Wait!

You bring up the fact that babies brains work sort of like they’re on LSD (it’s pretty nuts!). Ok, sure, good point. You cite this article and you mention how, apparently, when you’re on LSD or a baby the brain works differently. Normally the ‘brain works on independent networks performing separate functions such as vision, movement and hearing, under LSD the separateness of these networks breaks down, leading to a more unified system.’

Ok, ok. Fine. Maybe my son is actually a great artist and babies see penguins in a way us average joes won’t. Maybe this is a perfect rendering of an LSD penguin. I really couldn’t tell you.

But you know what. Yeah. Sure. I’ve come around to your side. Why not? My son’s a genius artist. That is EXACTLY what an LSD penguin looks like.

German Language Committee Meeting

Person 1: Hello, welcome, we will now begin the German Language Committee Meeting.

Person 2: Suggest removal of the chairperson, who wasted time stating the obvious.

Rest of Committee, in unison: Agreed.

Person 1: Respectfully, I agree. I will run this meeting and henceforth not show up. Today’s first word is bagel, which is currently ‘bagel’ in the German language. We want to make this ‘more German.’ Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Person 1: Please announce your ideas.

Rest of Committee, in unison: Brotmitlochinmitte! (Which translates literally to, ‘bread with hole in middle.’)

Person 1: Adopted. The next word is cat, which is currently ‘katze’ in German. This has been deemed ‘too weak.’ Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Person 1: Please announce your ideas.

administration architecture berlin building

Photo by Ingo Joseph on Pexels.com

Committee Member A: My word is kleinerschwacherhund. (Which translates literally to, ‘small weak dog.’)

Committee Member B: My word is einsamepersonhaustier. (Which translates literally to, ‘lonely person pet.’)

Committee Member C: My word is andereshaushaustier. (Which translates literally to, ‘other house pet.’)

Person 1: I propose hundaberohnearbeitoderzuneigung. (Which translates literally to, ‘dog but without the work or affection.)

Person 2: This will be tabled as there is not currently a logical solution.

Person 1: The final word for today’s meeting is one that we have been asked to make less German. The word is ‘Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften’ and it means insurance companies providing legal protection. Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Rest of Committee, in unison: Bedeckedeinenarsch! (Which translates literally to, ‘cover your ass.’)

Person 1: The meeting has concluded.

Source … sorta …

Attn: Ellen (1/16/19)

Front

ellen382a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen382b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I’m a simple person. It makes me happy to think that somewhere there is a person with an accent that makes it so when they say ‘bruise’ it sounds like ‘Brugge.’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

December 2018 Haiku

December 1 (Saturday)
Kid’s newest hobby
Loves putting hats on himself
Kids, huh? They’re weirdos

December 2 (Sunday)
Molar coming in
Brings excitement for parents
And pain for kiddo

December 3 (Monday)
Customer problem
It’s not COMPLETELY my fault
(But partly is … Frack)

December 4 (Tuesday)
Lights on tree in yard
This Charlie Brown nonsense is
Delightfully bad

December 5 (Wednesday)
My wife, who’s not old
(Odd statement, but key for this)
Tore disk in her neck!

December 6 (Thursday)
Tried patent at work
Turns out idea’s “obvious”
Your mom’s obvious!!!

December 7 (Friday)
Customer issues
Before leaving work found out
New one is my fault

December 8 (Saturday)
Want to go swimming
But I can’t breathe through my nose
Hmm … Could make it tough …

December 9 (Sunday)
Keep thinking of work
I HATE work thoughts on weekends
This is MY time, brain!

December 10 (Monday)
Jumping into bug
Can’t recreate the dang thing
It’s guess and check time!

December 11 (Tuesday)
Wife, kid, me … All sick
How fit are we, you may ask?
We’re … Coughing fit! (Oof.)

December 12 (Wednesday)
Christmas movie time
It’s the worst when a flick’s bad
Be good, or garbage

December 13 (Thursday)
New code version bad?
If so, could be my fault
This week’s just awful

December 14 (Friday)
Setting new records
For toilet paper used up
(Stupid runny nose)

December 15 (Saturday)
Kid goes down for nap
And you know what, so does dad
Life’s little pleasures

December 16 (Sunday)
Gift exchange with wife
Based on gifts (which I’m jazzed for)
I’m mentally twelve

December 17 (Monday)
Ok work, be kind
Customers, please don’t have things –
Aw frick, new issue

December 18 (Tuesday)
Work’s year end review
Boss keeps postponing the talk
Sure is good for stress …

December 19 (Wednesday)
Side project at work
I’ll be doing hardware stuff?
Chance to feel real … Dumb

December 20 (Thursday)
Team/Customer call
And the team fixed the issue!
Boss (and me) relieved

December 21 (Friday)
Our team still working
While others happily chat
About vacation

December 22 (Saturday)
Flying to ‘Zona
Dad vs son nap battle …
Smooth flight, here we come?

December 23 (Sunday)
Fam Christmas party
Roughly forty of us now
Sadly, just quick hi’s

December 24 (Monday)
Santa Claus is here!!
The kids go crazy for him
(Except those crying)

December 25 (Tuesday)
Watching my nephew
React to his biggest gift
Christmas is too fun

December 26 (Wednesday)
Kid wakes, won’t be calmed
Leave sister’s house, drive to folks …
This … At two am

December 27 (Thursday)
A day of cat naps
And low key activity
(And nasty cough fits)

December 28 (Friday)
Aquarium trip
Kid LOVED it – squawked at ALL fish
(They didn’t squawk back)

December 29 (Saturday)
The little waver
Charms travelers with grins, waves
I love watching it

December 30 (Sunday)
Star Wars and coffee
While the kid scores a big nap
Life is good my friends

December 31 (Monday)
It’s new years eve, all!
Maybe I’ll stay up til 10!
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, REAL NUTS!

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