The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

An Ode to Old Guys at the Gym

Entering the gym locker room and oh Lord, here we go,
An older gentleman, naked, who I unfortunately now “know”

Old guys in locker rooms, what’s the deal?
With aging muscles showing the strength of veal

While your confidence could be considered wonderful
It doesn’t go well with your breasts, which are plentiful

There seems to be a natural correlation
The less appealing, the longer you take to change without hint of humiliation

There is always the same set of three –
I call them the croissant club, because they’re doughy and pasty

What’s your purpose? What cause do you serve?
What evil have I done to make this what I deserve?

I set down my clothes and begin to change quickly
When a naked man carrying his towel sits next to me

Why, naked man, don’t you wear your towel?
Why can’t you notice my gag-reflex-slash-scowl?

Maybe it’s my WASP upbringing and I’m a prude
But your hairy body is making me come unglued

Taking care not to have my bare feet touch the floor
I keep my head straight and stare at my locker door

Finished, I make for the exit as quick as can be
Head bowed as though I’m praying dutifully

And again, I feel anger and sadness flow
As a naked man cuts me off … going … so … slow

Finally! I’m out the door and ready to work out!
…The images of the locker room croissant club hang about

In a flash (no pun intended), their anti-underwear-wearing purpose is clear
They’re here to motivate, to inspire, to frighten, all to get you in gear

So come on, inspirers and inspirees, let’s all head to the gym!
But I’m going to change at home so I won’t have to see any of them

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Du Jour of the Week

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The Day the Oceans Stopped

There are in the world, at any given moment, roughly fifty personalities that are so strong even being in the same room with one of them gives you a sense of accomplishment.

One might think, given the strength of these personalities, that they would naturally be world leaders or CEOs or some other position of power and great influence. This is not true. The fifty or so people range in careers. At one time, as recently as the 1970s, one of them was actually a sheep herder. The young man owned four outfits and yet he could have been monumental in bringing about an age of peace and prosperity the likes of which the world has rarely seen.

Why are these personalities being spoken of? Because of the Earth-shattering change that recently happened.

Everyone of course remembers the way the ocean tides stopped recently. That was pretty noticeable. Also noticeable was how one side of the Earth has been dark for a few days straight now. It’s distracting, to say the least.

These big events have overshadowed another big event, which, scientists now believe, was the cause of the more news-worthy items. I’m talking about the explosion at the recently opened McDonald’s in Jiayuguan, China. A grease fire mishandled at a McDonald’s. How that is not a more common news bulletin is another matter entirely.

The most shocking item is that, by pure chance, eighteen of the fifty personalities were in that area and tragically were killed in the explosion.

Some people believe the world revolves around them. It is a foolish misconception sparked by their own vanity. For those roughly fifty people, this sentiment is true.

And this is why the world has stopped revolving.

‘Who will the world revolve around now that you’re dead?,’ this is the question foremost on the minds of every citizen of the world.

The world is at a standstill, literally, with an abundance of people who think the world revolves around them, and a definite shortage of those who make the world go round.

(This was inspired by this joking quote from Tim Minchin, “My last words are going to be, ‘Who’s the world going to revolve around now?'”)

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Short Short Stories

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Innies and Outies – The Bottom Line

Let’s say in the course of a day, an innie belly button collects one gram of lint.

In a year, that’s 365 grams of lint collected.

That means that person’s dryer had to deal with 365 grams less of lint.

May or may not be 365 grams of lint.

From Wal-Mart’s website, 160 Bounce-brand dryer sheets cost $6.84. That means about 4.275 cents per dryer sheet.

For now we will assume that the use of a belly button as an extra lint-trap acts to save one dryer sheet per year.

The life expectancy in the United States is 78.2 years, according to World Bank data from 2010. (Canadian friends, your average life expectancy is 80.8 years so you should really be paying attention.)

Given that an innie belly button saves one dryer sheet per year, the average life expectancy is 78.2 years, and the cost per dryer sheet (in today’s dollars) is 4.275 cents – an innie belly button can save you $3.34.

Innie belly buttons: they don’t just make sense, they make dollars.

Not necessarily $3.34, but THIS blogger, for one, is lazy. (Read that in your local news anchor voice, please.)

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