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Posts tagged ‘humor’

Weekly Wacko (46)

Simulated Loner

In high school I bought the video game The Sims. I was very excited about it. It was like my life – except my videogame-self spoke gibberish, and could actually get a girlfriend.
What a blow to my real-self self-esteem.

You start the game with X amount of dollars, which you can use to do whatever you want. Buy a low-end house, or build your own house. I decided to build my own house – excited at this idea.
I built this (relatively) rock-and-roll house, with a pool! That’s when I realized my character had no money leftover to buy, well, much of anything. I bought a toilet.
I had a beautiful house, a lovely pool, and a toilet.
I got a job in the game and made enough money to buy a ladder which allowed me to get in and out of the pool – this served several purposes. I really wanted to swim in that simulated pool, my guy could get buff swimming around, and I didn’t own a shower so I figured this would clean up the poor fella.

After a little while of struggling by sans fridge, couch, TV, shower, bed, etc. (I didn’t even have a chair) – my character began crying randomly.
I was incredibly excited by this discovery.
My character had become depressed!
This cracked me up to no end.

Eventually I abandoned that character. A female interest in the game had come over, and my character started crying. It was almost as intolerable as it was funny.

Character Number Two:
With character number two I built a more modest house, and got some furniture and the basic necessities.
I was surprised to learn you could set fire to your house when cooking on the oven.
Who knew?

Character Number ?:
Eventually I got the hang of the game and my character was advancing along nicely. The game informed me of something though, I needed to make more friends.
The game demanded something like five or six friends which I found unnecessary and rude.
I’m expected to, what, spend my whole night calling various people to maintain friendships?! UNRULY!

When a videogame demands me to have more close friends than I have in real life, that’s when I call it quits. If for no other reason than because it makes me realize how pathetic I am.

*This post was inspired by a long overdue call to JMinnie last night. I am very bad at keeping in touch with people – but beware friends of mine, I’ll be calling you soon!

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Weekly Wacko (45)

Coming Clean

I’m going to tell you something not many people know.

What’s the big secret?

My cat’s name.

Her name … is (was) Nuts.

Nuts, the cat.

She got this name because she was crazy, aka bonkers, aka loony, aka nuts.

I didn’t usually tell people her name, instead referring to her as “meowsers” or “the cat” because, here’s a surprise, most boys don’t think ‘synonym for crazy’ when they hear the word ‘nuts.’ I was going to say I started doing this when I was in elementary school – but I realized I did this even until college, when she died. That’s because boys are perpetually stupid. Girls too, but we’re better at it.

Our dog’s name is Chaser (she got the name from a Big Dog t-shirt – “The Unleashables”). Chaser is not embarrassing to admit to, but for the sake of uniformity I have pretty much always referred to the dog and cat, not by their names, but as “the dog” and “the cat.”

Sometimes “the dog” is also called, “the pooch,” “the pup” and “the mutt.”

There you have it, the cat’s out of the bag … (I should’ve written for Frasier).

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Weekly Wacko (43)

Festival of Sadness

I bought a car today.

Which is good, and bad. Hence: Festival of Sadness. It’s good to have a new car for the reasons I’ve outlined below, but it’s bad because – hey, who likes spending that much money?

I’m a very practical (boring) guy. I bought lower than what I could have because it’s a car. It’ll get me from point A to point B. It’ll do so with a high history of reliability, a good rating from Consumer Reports, and decent gas mileage.

Told you I was boring.

I said goodbye to my beloved Yoda (the car I had until today). Yoda was a 2000 Toyota Camry. My dad bought her when we lived in Georgia, and I took over the car after I graduated college in 2007. My mom sold me the car for $1. It was a pretty good deal. (Oh, my Dad named the car. Yoda the Toyota. You see now where I get these ‘clever’ jokes?)

I said goodbye to a bruised and beaten Yoda. Here are some of the ‘features’ I won’t miss:

  • One day I was driving my work buddies and I to lunch. My friend J in the back seat tried to open his window – instead the window motor made a crazy noise. Back right window no longer in service.
  • Another day J was in the back left seat, and the same thing happened. Seriously.
  • Lately it has gotten to be punch-me-in-the-face hot and humid here in Houston, TX. The perfect time for a car to have an A/C button that causes the car to make a crazy noise, and spit out hot air.
  • 160,000 miles driven worth of goodness.
  • A weird paint/what-the-heck-is-that? stain in the back seat.
  • Accelerating came to be a bit of a challenge. Attempting to go from 0 to 20 in under five seconds resulted in ridiculous revving, and the RPMs would shoot to over 3000 (i.e. YIKES!).
  • Here’s the crowning jewel of my car: The driver door … was missing … the door handle. Split right off. This happened about two years ago and I’d been, um … too busy? I have gotten to be very adept at opening the back door, half-sitting down, reaching up front and opening the driver’s door.

Unfortunately I got a little too used to the missing door handle. During one of my car shopping visits I opened the back door of a car when I was about to test drive it. I managed to play it off as looking in the back to see how roomy it was.
Anyhow. Goodbye my dearest Yoda. Hello … new car (picture it like Seinfeld saying “hello … Newman”).

I’ll have to think up a cool name for the newbie. I don’t know that I’ll ever come up with one as cool as Yoda …

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