The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

De Jour of the Week (1/4/10)

1/4/10

Boise State and TCU and … poetry! What a night!

My Supreme Intellect

I can tell by my supreme intellect that you’re mad at me,
I can tell because your middle finger is held up so clearly.

Aha, once again my might brain comes to my rescue
I can guesstimate with some amount of confidence that I’ve just had a miscue
When you asked me ‘do I look fat in these jeans?’ that was my cue
And I think my choice of saying, “did you seriously just ask me that?” and then laughing was a choice I’ll rue.

Once again my mind is hard at work –
I knew something was bothering you the second you stopped swearing and foaming at the mouth and finished your rant with the word ‘jerk.’

My mind is wonderous, wonderful, and wondering
When will my phone ring?
Sure, I broke the ice by saying I liked your wedding ring,
But I just felt like we really had something …
I’m waiting for your call with baited breath my ho-on-the-side darling.
But my intelligence tells me it may not work – that slap did sting.

Here is an educated guess
It was a faux paus when I said, “kiss more, talk less.”

I’m even good at logical deductions
I’ve learned from experience that fortune cookies are hardly cookies, and even less so fortunes
Still, I shouldn’t have taken yours and said ‘you could do with smaller portions.’

Even though I don’t know you, I am thinking you’re miffed,
Could it be because when I cut you off I barely missed?

I’m no less than gifted at learning by observing patterns
From experience I know that I should listen to your concerns
And not respond by saying “blah blah blah” (last time you threatened to feed me your parents’ urns).
(And the time before that I learned just how hot hot chocolate really is … fyi, it really, really burns.)

Yes, my supreme intellect is something to be marveled
But please, resist temptation, I hate being ogled.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Weekly Wacko (12)

I am the Jaguar
When I was home for Christmas and New Year’s I got to meet up with both sides of the family and hang out. I found out that my Cousin E had never heard of the blog. I was of course quick to post on his facebook account – yes, I’m constantly whoring myself out for this thing.
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My Cousin E posted a comment on an animal facts post. The comment is: “You know, I’ve always wanted to know about the jaguar. Not the jaguar everyone knows and is intimidated by, but underneath it all, what makes the jaguar tick?”
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This relates to an odd inside joke of sorts with the family which I’d like to share.

My sister, E$, and I enjoy GOOD questions like, “if you were an animal, what would you be.” Not what you WANT to be, but what you WOULD be. E$ and I debated about this and we came up with answers for our family.

My mom is a kangaroo because she is protective, but can be fierce.
My dad is a beaver because he is very mechanically and do-it-yourself inclined.
My brother is a … well, he doesn’t agree with what we say he is.
My sister is a panda because (this one is more joke-sy) she likes to sleep, and eat.
And according to my mom, I’m a sheep dog because I’m smart and cute.

That winter I ended up going on a short ski trip with my sister and two of her friends. The four of us went out to dinner one night and the question was raised: if you were an animal, what would you be? My sister continued to be the panda (one of her friends at dinner was the one who coined that), and I offered one for myself.

“I’m a jaguar.” BOOM! It’s a fact.
“What?!”
“Uh-uh.”
“No. Sorry, no.”

No one could see my true jaguar self. One of them suggested pigeon, to insult me. We talked back and forth and decided I was a fox. The conversation cracked my sister up because of the immediate and strong “nuh uhs” that came from my saying I was a jaguar. I was shot down, but like the jaguar, I’m a fighter.

This past Thanksgiving my sister and I had dinner with my Cousin E and his wife. Again, I raised the question. After a little while someone asked me what I am (it may have been my sister, who did so deliberately).

“I’m a jaguar.” Still a fact.
“Ehhh …”
“Nah.”

My sister started laughing and again I was foiled. Cousin E and his wife did not know that my past has been RIDDLED, yes RIDDLED, with people not knowing how jaguar-like I really am. But they were quick to shoot down my thought.

A little while after that my sister found an online test, found here, which through nine simple questions lets you know what animal you are. According to them I am an owl.

We all know that’s a lie.

At Christmas I found a report I’d written in the 4th grade on the lovely, the talented, the me, the jaguar. The report is magically bad. Fact after fact comes at you for 2 large font, double spaced pages. My Cousin E said, “it’s like you’re reading the encyclopedia.” We looked on page three of the report, the bibliography, and sure enough the encyclopedia was one of my three sources.

Except this gem of a line: “Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.”What animal are you?Jaguar Out. 

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Weekly Wacko

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De Jour of the Week (12/27/09)

12/27/09

I read this to my mom and she said “that’s scary.” And I said, “why’s that scary?” (I was going for funny, not fear.) Her response ended up making her “that’s scary” statement make SOME sense – but I honestly can’t remember it. Besides, who doesn’t love a good mystery?

Please Don’t Contradict Me When I’m so Clearly Wrong

Please don’t contradict me when I’m so clearly wrong
Just nod your head, say ‘mmhmm’, and play along

I’ve had a long day and I’ve thrown logic out the window
And if I say I want ice cream for dinner you say ‘let’s go’

I’ve mixed this up with that other thing
Don’t point out my error while smiling, grinning, smirking

You know darn well what I meant
Don’t point out the facts, your time could be much better spent

But don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m wrong often
I’m not, this is a hypothetical poem for that situation that’s if/when

In fact, now that I start to think about it – you’re wrong!
Who is so dumb as to not know by now to play along?
Sure, yes, I’m so clearly wrong
But you could’ve, should’ve, WILL HAVE TO learn to play along

Why aren’t you nodding your head and playing along?
CLEARLY I am once again spewing out falsehoods, fuzzy logic and all other things wrong

You’re smart at work, you’re smart at home – but maybe a little too smart
One plus one can equal three if I want it to, I know it in my heart

You remember that time I came home fuming and said ‘my boss is a jerk’?
And you said ‘well dear, last week you said your boss is the best part of your work?’
I mean really, honestly, your obliviousness was cute when it was a quirk
But if you don’t get with the program I’ll drop the q-u and it’ll just be an irk

Ok fine … I admit it … I’m sommmmmmmetimes wrong
And … I’d appreciate it if you could play along

I know your knowledge and corrections I should probably embrace
But honestly, I’d rather punch you in the face

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