In a number of 80’s comedy movies the villains can be easily spotted by a few trademark characteristics:
- They have no character development (“hey, there’s … Johnny!”)
- They seem to be evil without reason, it is just known and accepted that they are evil
- They are rich
- They are good looking, often with a good looking girlfriend or boyfriend
- They have an annoying laugh
- They seem to be above reproach, even when doing things that clearly seem pretty evil
- They usually have sidekicks who are also rich and attractive, and they laugh at everything the main guy says
Now that football has started back up, and the Patriots are 3-0, talk of Tom Brady has blossomed like a tornado – it’s out of control. But, this does give us an opportunity to examine the facts.
- Tom Brady is rich
- Tom Brady is good looking, with a moderately attractive wife (oh I’m a model, pft, whatever)
- Just looking at Tom Brady you know he laughs weird
- Hello! Above reproach much??
- Probably has a posse of guys named Chet, Chaz, Chad and Chodrick
- He kills kittens because he hates dogs and doesn’t want them to have anything to chase (this may not be true but it sounds pretty likely to me)
Now that you have the facts, you decide.
One of these is Tom Brady – it’s pretty clear who.
When you were a kid, and you were out playing, maybe like by yourself, did a dog ever come up to you and bark once? A single bark? And you thought, ‘oh wow, a talking dog! You’re almost there buddy, finish saying my last name!’
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Do you ever watch old movies of yourself doing cool karate stuff and you can’t help but say out loud, maybe quietly to yourself, “Jean-Claude Van Daaaaaaaamme”?
Would you like to be co-founder of a towing company called “Just Sajak”? Also, do you age like a normal human? Or did you and the crew that films Wheel of Fortune film every episode 30 years ago and just predict future fashion trends incredibly well and have the guests dress up in “futuristic outfits” like non-poofy hairdos?
Hey, those are nice pants, are they … cheater pants!? Gotcha!
If scientists found a way to shrink people down to like toy size, like Indian in the Cupboard kinda toy size, and clone people, do you think you’d be cool with me making a tiny clone of you that just hangs out on my desk at work and makes little British faces whenever my coworkers are talking nonsense to me? It’d really brighten my day. Think it over.