The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘jean claude van damme’

Ask a Moron: Do I Have Legionnaire’s Disease?

Great question, and I’ve got some great answers.

Are you now, or have you ever been a part of a legion? Then you probably have it. Follow-up question, what is a legion? Again, great question! It’s like a group of guys I think, probably French or into French stuff. Follow-up follow-up, what does it mean to be into French stuff? Do you like cigarettes and looking disdainful, or how about long thin breads? Then yep, you’re into French stuff.

When you hear the word ‘legend’ or ‘legendary’ do you recoil? You probably have legionnaire’s disease. (You are recoiling because the legions that combine to form this evil entity in your body known as Legionnaire are afraid of legendary things happening.)

Wait, you ask, there is an entity in my body known as Legionnaire? I don’t know. Maybe.

How dumb are you, you ask disdainfully? Who’s dumber, me or you, with your stupid legionnaire’s disease?

Am I just some rude jerk? Good question, your mom asked the same … LAST NIGHT.

And now a question for you: why are you walking away from me? Come back. Please. My defense mechanisms are strong and self-defeating and … you’re gone.

LegionnaireFilm.jpg

Do you like this movie? If so, you probably have Legionnaire’s disease.


By Source, Fair use, Link

 

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Questions I’d Ask Celebrities If I Had the Chance

Mark Ruffalo

When you were a kid, and you were out playing, maybe like by yourself, did a dog ever come up to you and bark once? A single bark? And you thought, ‘oh wow, a talking dog! You’re almost there buddy, finish saying my last name!’

 

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Do you ever watch old movies of yourself doing cool karate stuff and you can’t help but say out loud, maybe quietly to yourself, “Jean-Claude Van Daaaaaaaamme”?

 

Pat Sajak

Would you like to be co-founder of a towing company called “Just Sajak”? Also, do you age like a normal human? Or did you and the crew that films Wheel of Fortune film every episode 30 years ago and just predict future fashion trends incredibly well and have the guests dress up in “futuristic outfits” like non-poofy hairdos?

 

Tom Brady

Hey, those are nice pants, are they … cheater pants!? Gotcha!

 

Martin Freeman

If scientists found a way to shrink people down to like toy size, like Indian in the Cupboard kinda toy size, and clone people, do you think you’d be cool with me making a tiny clone of you that just hangs out on my desk at work and makes little British faces whenever my coworkers are talking nonsense to me? It’d really brighten my day. Think it over.

Dear Mr. Jean Claude

Dear Mr. Jean Claude,

Recently my son turned 11 and a friend of his mentioned a movie of yours. My son is now dying to see this movie but I cannot allow this because in my family we do not engage in using profanity. I think it is foul, crude, and shows a lack of education.

I am writing, as a parent, to respectfully ask you to change your name to something more sensible and re-release your movies under your new name.

Here are some name suggestions:
Jean Claude van Darn
Jean Claude van Dadgummit
Jean Claude van Oh Golly

Thank you in advance,
Joe Watkins


 

Dear Mr. Watkins,

Thanks for your letter.

Doug – I cc’d you on this for a reason. Think you could write up a script where I’m the parent of a daughter in college and I wear tight jeans and high-kick over protective parents in the face? I don’t know, something about their overprotectiveness threatens my daughter’s life or something.

Thanks for the idea Mr. Watkins.

 

Respectfully,
Jean Claude van Damme No-He-Didn’t-Oh-Yes-He-Did

Animal Facts! (Racing Piglets, Prize Winning Cow, Black Panther, Parrot)

Racing Piglets

(note: I took this picture at the Texas State Fair. The pigs had names like ‘Jean Claude van Ham.’)

Had a dream about you last night.

Rates the opposite sex as either: ‘me-ow’ or ‘woof.’

Hey, it’s been real. You know, it’s been fun too. It’s been real … fun …

Own leather pants. I mean … come on … how hysterical is that?

Oh gag me. Just ulghhh. Blehhhh. Blech!

Prize Winning Cow

Would sell his soul to the devil for … you guessed it … a ham sandwich.

Says things that are accidentally funny all the time.

In high school was in a crappy band called “band-wagon.”

Wrote an autobiography of himself and called it My Sparknotes. In the ‘motif’ section he has, “rejection, loneliness, massive amounts of ice cream.”

Calls himself “Rudy, but for chess instead of football.” If you think about it, that’s pretty self-insulting – because Rudy was too small for football, and it’s not your physical size that matters for chess.

Black Panther

Doesn’t understand why contractions mean don’t and won’t, but it also means frightening things for pregnant women.

OMFG!!!! Oh wait, sorry, thought you were someone else.

If pressed, would guess that Paula Deen is 57% butter.

Is very fast to correct you if you say “Barnes & Nobles.” It’s, apparently, “Barnes & Noble.”

Took a break from working to write a lovely note to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, because he’d just been coding in C++, started the comment with ‘//.’

Parrot

Favorite pick-up line is: “Join now and save 10%.”

Is looking down on you right now.

Feels like there probably is a Heaven and Hell. But worries he won’t get into either.

Simply can NOT believe … about whatever stupid latest celebrity news is.

Likes the crusts cut off, thank you very much.

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