The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘turtle’

God Speed Ned Berderdle

Ned Berderdle
Was a tranquil turtle
He lived a bucolic life
Absent of strife
His life changed one morning
Without notice or warning

A young boy named Buck
Was out and about, running amuck
Buck was full of adventure and joy
And saw Ned as his newest toy
“I shall name you Ned Berderdle!”
Buck now had himself a pet turtle

Some grass, sticks, and a glass cage
Look in Ned’s turtle eyes, you’ll see turtle rage
Away from his fields, his creeks, his pasture
Ned had to get out, of this he was sure
Looking around Buck’s room, Ned felt delight
Future friends and allies filled his sight

Wesley Daniel the brittany spaniel
Allister Beal the cockatiel
Vincenzo Stupenzo Wog the frog
And Rod, just plain Rod, the wonder cod

“Gents,” Ned Berderdle said with a  nod
“New guy,” a smirk and a wink from the wonder cod

“You don’t know me, I’m Ned Berderdle.
“I’m a nice guy, a quiet guy, a simple turtle.
“I love the outdoors and living life free
“And what I’d like, no, love, is for you to help me.
“I don’t know yet how I’ll repay all of you
“But I will, if it’s the last thing I do.”
Ned stopped, a light suddenly clicking on
“WE COULD ALL ESCAPE! WE COULD ALL GET GONE!”

Rod, you remember him, the wonder cod?
He did not hesitate, neither hemmed nor hawed,
“But don’t you see, I’m a FISH
“Better here than on someone’s dish.”
While odd, and macabre,
Ned had to admit, he was a shrewd cod
“But,” Rod continued after his pause
“A jailbreak is always a worthwhile cause.”

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Animal Facts! (DumbFunnery, Pig-Nosed Turtle, Zebra, Ostrich)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

DumbFunnery (the animal. not the person)

Thinks he’s being cute, but doesn’t realize he just drooled a little.

So over it.

Emotionally unstable, physically unstabler.

Has told “jokes” that people respond to not by laughing, but by saying, “aww.” (And there, he did it again.)

Can not wait for when it’s finally “acceptable” for American men to wear Capri pants.

Pig-Nosed Turtle

Giggles at the word ‘titillating.’

Is so out of touch. Once heard them say, “my son tex’s all the time – he’s always on his phone texing.”

Just cracked the same joke.

Don’t get me started about getting me started.

Ohhhhhhhhh NO he didn’t!

Zebra

Total dead fish in the sack.

Didn’t get the promotion.

Spends way more than they should on shoes.

They’re not sure if there’s any difference between themselves and deer. But they know with confidence they are not bears.

There really, truly, sincerely, ain’t no mountain high enough. And I mean that.

Ostrich

About two seconds away from a racist joke.

Has a ‘slippery when wet’ tattoo – I won’t tell you where.

They hate being shot, but love being mounted on walls. It’s a real cause for concern in their community.

Extremely beautiful – on the inside.

Laughs along with inside jokes they aren’t actually a part of.

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