The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Racist’

Johnny and the Racist Undertones

Hello, Fortune and Fame. That’s right, folks, I’ve found the ticket to fortune and fame. My writing will find its way to the light of day because everyone won’t be able to get enough of one of the many singers in ‘Johnny and the Racist Undetones’ – the nation’s hottest band.

Over Christmas I got together with a few cousins to go to a bar for trivia night. A few brains in the group were missing, but we still managed to tie for last! (Due to the brilliant thinking of my cousin Lockout, who suggested that we not bet all but one of our points on the last round … we bet all but TWO … then everyone gets the final question wrong and we’re sitting pretty with two points and first place, while all those other dopes are tied for last place with one point! Unfortunately another team had the same idea, and everyone else actually answered the final round correctly. Hence, tied for last place with a grand total of two points.)

Anywho …

The cousins who WERE there stumbled on the next big band. That’s right, you’ve already heard of us, Johnny and the Racist Undertones.

You see, we would drink a little bit, then take a long, hard look (about a minute) at the lyrics of a popular song … and then cover this song.

Opening verse? Solid.

Chorus? Belting it out!

Second verse on out … A mix of the actual words plus some improvised mumbling/rhyming words/gibberish.

Unfortunately, none of us are really experts at musical instruments, so we’ll have a whole lot of vocalists. Also, as far as I know, none of us are really all that stellar when it comes to singing.

Lockout’s second brilliant idea was to supply the racist undertones. During songs, he would “sing backup.” His backup would take the form of whispering racist things.

Who could resist the charm of Johnny and the Racist Undertones? I’ll tell you who – no one.

SxSW 2010 – Me, Bubbz, and Racism

Here’s a funny/could be perceived as racist thing that happened from SxSW two years ago.

We went to ‘British Invasion Night’ at the British Music Embassy – which featured artists from … yeah. They had posters up on the wall for various performers. Here are a few.

A girl, named … ready for this? Ghettozoid, who was either queen of the hipsters or a musician started talking to my sister, E$. The three of us ended up talking to Bristol for a while and we told her about a game we were playing – identifying hipster trends. We mentioned jeans jackets and she laughed and said “yep.” (Later, when her and Bubbz, the dude she performed with talked to us … she pointed at his jeans jacket and laughed. Awesome.)

Ghettozoid had pointed out the guy she was going to perform with, a black dude with a fro of sorts. Then I say, “oh cool he’s on one of the posters!” or something like that. I gesture to this poster – a poster of a black dude with a fro of sorts.

You can guess where this is going.

Thankfully Ghettozoid’s very nice (every time I say her name I laugh) and says oh that’s another guy but yes they DO look alike! Oof. If I was her I wouldn’t have been able to resist the ‘not all black people look alike’ joke. But maybe with an added, ‘but all black people DO like watermelon’ just to keep me confused … No? No good? Anywho, we ended up talking to them after they finished singing and they told us about another show they’d be doing on I think Saturday (I think it was Thursday night when we saw them). At that moment … we became groupies! On Saturday when we showed up to watch them they greeted us with hugs (yeah, what’s up).

Here’s to racism, SxSW, meeting talented artists, and hipsters! (The picture below is Ghettozoid and Bubbz.)

Animal Facts! (Minor Breed Duck, Puff Adder, Patas Monkey, Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle)

Minor Breed Duck

Has never been a big fan of forgiveness.

When he looks at a map of Sweden he sees every city as “Hersky-Bersky-Land.”

Only had one fight with his ex-girlfriend. He apologized, then she apologized, then she said, “don’t get pissy – kissy, kissy!,” then he ended things.

Deliberately creates a mess and then re-organizes when nervous. Now tell me that’s not cute.

Liked a certain brand of beer before watching a football game. After seeing 47 ads in three hours for the beer, decided he hated it.

Puff Adder

Fears labels. Not in a relationship-sense, but as in labels identifying food. It’s kinda weird.

You can call him – just don’t call him Al.

Says something really snarky then adds, “ugh, you probably think I’m terrible, right?” Yes, we do.

Wishes he could come up with a cool way to combine the words shark and snark.

Thought the word ‘napkin’ was a mythical creature. Gross. But when you think about it a napkin does sound like it could be a mythical creature.

Patas Monkey

Refers to minorities as “culturally tan people.” It’d be racist if it wasn’t so stupid.

Favorite part of football is when the offense lines up – then they all look over to the sideline. He pretends someone on the sideline yelled, “free candy!”

Could light your cigarette with his sssssmokin’ dance moves.

When his girlfriend is giving him the one-word answers because she’s angry at him, he makes matters worse (but funnier for him) by making the Law & Order “DUNH-DUNH” noise a lot.

Shortly before taking off, asks seatmates, “So why are you heading to Omaha, Nebraska?” He asks this regardless of where they’re heading.

Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle

Goes to the gym just to increase the amount he can conversationally say the word “glutes.”

Posted a ‘missed connection’ ad on craigslist. The missed connection was titled: “pop singers.” The content of the message was: “My fist. Your face.”

Imagines waking up on Christmas to a Lexus with a big bow on it. And his wife smiling, and his looking surprised. And then him yelling, “how the **** are we going to pay for THIS? Are you stupid!?”

Named some of his muscles. I won’t list all of the names but they include: Tom Cruise Missile, Jeff GoldBOOM, Jacked Nicholson, Betty White (a muscle he thinks is stronger than people realize).

“Scrambled eggs made with love” is his specialty. His other specialty is “mixed drinks made with regrettable decisions.”

Quotes of the Day!

About a year ago when I was in Georgia and Florida to try and see a NASA launch (and another post here) I saw this book.

You’re a Horrible Person, But I Like You. How could I resist? The book is a series of oddball advice column type questions, with responses from various famous funny people. Here are a few selections which made me laugh (I won’t be providing context, but the context is often nonsensical anyway so it doesn’t matter).

The book definitely has some laughs, but it wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped.


As for putting dinner on the table – let’s not sugarcoat this. You’re going to be living on roadkill. My advice would be “Always remove the squirrel’s tail.” That’s a memory of cuteness you do not want to conjure up as you raise the stick toward your mouth.

The better question is, “What happens before you die?” That’s where we run into most of the problems.

What’s that old saying? “Advice is like opinions. Everyone’s an asshole.”

Embrace it. Get an ironic RACIST T-shirt.

Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.

Did You Know – Excrement Edition

Sometimes if someone is very angry they might yell that something is bull shtuff (that’s edited, dontchya know). Well, Mr. Angry-Yelling-Pants, I bet you didn’t know that you can cite other animals excrement to convey other feelings.

Bull Isht –                      Anger
Old Man Isht –              Confusion
Dragon Isht –                Happiness
Steven Segal Isht –     Bloated
Chicken Isht –              Anger, with a hint of amusement
Dinosaur Isht –            Consternation over taxes
Old Lady Isht –            Desire to hang out with kids, and possibly give them 14 cents
Racist Isht –                  Kill whitey

Do you know of any other telling forms of shtuff? Post them in the comments!

Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)


Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.



When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.



When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.



Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

Weekly Wacko (59)

Christmas is over. (Booo!) Back to work. (BOOOOOOOO!)

But I wanted to show off some of the Christmas loot (self cross-promotion what what!) …

My sister and I – I’m not sure who came up with the idea, probably her – decided to do a ‘Kwanzaa Christmas.’ This title doesn’t really mean anything, so please put no emphasis on it. The extent of my knowledge of Kwanzaa can be seen in this clip:

To us, ‘Kwanzaa Christmas’ was that we would make our gifts.

Since none of us are particularly gifted craftsmen/women, this basically meant it was going to be a weird, crappy-gift Christmas. On the plus-side, we thought it might be a little more thoughtful and it would save cash-money.

Here are some of the gifts:

These two paintings were done by the sis for my brothers’ kids.





These two were done by me for the bro’s kids. The 4 were a set. Just what kids love huh?







The two ‘puzzles’ above were to my sister (top) and brother-in-law (bottom). The painting on the right is notable because the girlfriend unit painted it for me, AND it won (unofficially) ‘most racist gift Christmas 2010’ gift!

It stems from a dumb joke I made to my brotha-in-law (a black dude), that he should leave some crackers at my parents house so he could call and say, “how are my crackers doing?”


The sisters’ main gift to me. JEALOUS!?

A necklace from the sis to the mom and a purse from the sis to the sis-in-law. Fancy, eh?


The sis and bro-in-law made various foodstuffs for family members too. Moonshine for the brother and his wife, some fancy olive oil thing for the parents.


The sis-in-law put together a cool series of pictures for E$ and the brotha-in-law, involving pictures from some of their places that each represent a letter. Combined, the series of pictures spells out their last name.

All in all, a pretty good 1st Annual Kwanzaa Christmas.

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