The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Minor Breed Duck

Has never been a big fan of forgiveness.

When he looks at a map of Sweden he sees every city as “Hersky-Bersky-Land.”

Only had one fight with his ex-girlfriend. He apologized, then she apologized, then she said, “don’t get pissy – kissy, kissy!,” then he ended things.

Deliberately creates a mess and then re-organizes when nervous. Now tell me that’s not cute.

Liked a certain brand of beer before watching a football game. After seeing 47 ads in three hours for the beer, decided he hated it.

Puff Adder

Fears labels. Not in a relationship-sense, but as in labels identifying food. It’s kinda weird.

You can call him – just don’t call him Al.

Says something really snarky then adds, “ugh, you probably think I’m terrible, right?” Yes, we do.

Wishes he could come up with a cool way to combine the words shark and snark.

Thought the word ‘napkin’ was a mythical creature. Gross. But when you think about it a napkin does sound like it could be a mythical creature.

Patas Monkey

Refers to minorities as “culturally tan people.” It’d be racist if it wasn’t so stupid.

Favorite part of football is when the offense lines up – then they all look over to the sideline. He pretends someone on the sideline yelled, “free candy!”

Could light your cigarette with his sssssmokin’ dance moves.

When his girlfriend is giving him the one-word answers because she’s angry at him, he makes matters worse (but funnier for him) by making the Law & Order “DUNH-DUNH” noise a lot.

Shortly before taking off, asks seatmates, “So why are you heading to Omaha, Nebraska?” He asks this regardless of where they’re heading.

Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle

Goes to the gym just to increase the amount he can conversationally say the word “glutes.”

Posted a ‘missed connection’ ad on craigslist. The missed connection was titled: “pop singers.” The content of the message was: “My fist. Your face.”

Imagines waking up on Christmas to a Lexus with a big bow on it. And his wife smiling, and his looking surprised. And then him yelling, “how the **** are we going to pay for THIS? Are you stupid!?”

Named some of his muscles. I won’t list all of the names but they include: Tom Cruise Missile, Jeff GoldBOOM, Jacked Nicholson, Betty White (a muscle he thinks is stronger than people realize).

“Scrambled eggs made with love” is his specialty. His other specialty is “mixed drinks made with regrettable decisions.”

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