The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Dynamo Ginger

A couple months ago my friends and I saw the opening day Dynamo game at their new stadium. It was a lot of fun. I sat by my buddy Juicebox, and we made fun of people. That was a lot of fun, also.

One of the people we made fun of was a red head who plays for the Dynamo. His name is Andre Hainault.

Why would we do this? Well, we’re punks. Here are some of the jokes I remember us making.
Dynamo Andre Hainault 1 – “If I score a goal I’ll get a kiss! From a REAL GIRL!!”

2 – How can he play soccer? Shouldn’t he have to go to the sidelines every 10 minutes to put on more sunblock?

3 – Not a bad play from the Ginger … Red Head Redemption. Heyooo!

4 – Wow, he chased the ball down pretty well there. Maybe someone told him there’s a long sleeve shirt inside it.

5 – Ahhh! Oh … sorry, it’s the ginger.

6 – He just Ron Weasley’d out of that bad spot … huh? HUH!?

7 – “My mom said she’s going to let me have TWO puddings if we win!!!”

The jokes were dumb, and really I have no problem with red heads. Obligatory line like I’ve just made a potentially racist joke: These jokes aren’t offensive, come on, I’m friends with red heads. I’m related to a red head. Honest. I am.

Hugs?Andre Hainault Houston Dynamo

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Texas, the Original Honey Badger?

You may be aware of the reference to the ‘honey badger video.’ If not, here you go. And mom, careful, this guy likes to cuss.

If you don’t want to watch it – I’ll sum it up. The honey badger is a real tough guy, he does what he wants and takes crap from no one. Remind you of anyone? (At least, remind you of anyone in the sense that it’s how that someone likes to be perceived?)

That’s right, I’m here to say that Texas was the original honey badger.Owen P. White

I just bought a book called Texas: An Informal Biography. It was written by Owen P. White and  published in 1945, it was one dollar and it’s in fantastic condition. How is that not great? I read the little bit from that link I have on Owen P. White’s name, and I am now actually excited about this book not just for comedic reasons. He sounds interesting. But, I bought this book primarily because of the first few lines of the Introduction. Again, Texas, the original honey badger.

“Texas is one of God’s greatest and most gratifying experiments. When God created Texas He did so with the mischievous intention of providing men who had no fear of Him, if only they could conquer it, with an empire of their own of stupendous wealth and unbounded opportunity. Thus Texas was His challenge to the tall, the tough, and the ugly to come and get it.”

You can pretty easily guess that I read this with a ridiculous accent, and am already excited about a video where I read excerpts of this while wearing a cowboy hat and standing around at a bayou.

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Publication Time

I don’t know what it is, but whenever I see a line like this I feel like the article is given that much more weight and substance.

“Apple did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.”

The fact that you tried to contact Apple makes you a legitamate news source! And they didn’t respond “by publication time.” They could respond at any moment, though! Which makes the news source even more impressive.

“Sorry, I was talking to my mom and Apple called, I let it go to voicemail.”

Thinking about this led me to write this little news blurb.

Scientists Find that Monkeys Actually Made Out of Pancakes

(Cairns, Australia) – In a stunning reversal of the long-held belief that monkeys were made out of bones, muscles, blood, and sass, scientists have just released the news that monkeys are actually made out of pancakes.

Dr. Theodore Etzel (who does not like rhyming jokes about pretzels), was the chief researcher behind the stunning news. Dr. Etzel’s paper was released earlier this morning.

Dr. Etzel did not respond to our request for comment by publication time.*

Dr. Etzel is expected to defend his conclusions at the Science for the Masses Composium, held in Stanley, Australia, annually.

 

*Possibly because no request was made, and because this is nonsense.

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