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Congrats, Dairy Lobby

You may have seen that the dairy lobby scored a recent success with the FDA intending to come down on the use of the word ‘milk’ in products. (Here’s a pun-filled article about it.)

AND THANK GOODNESS.

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve passed up cow mammary excretions in favor of some FAKER, some PRETENDER, labeled with the word milk. Maybe I shouldn’t go grocery shopping in a milkless-life-induced-milk-shortsightedness but I see a container with the word ‘milk’ and I buy it.

Does it look like my traditional gallon of milk? Nah, it’s in a box.

But I don’t care, I SEE THE WORD MILK, I BUY.

***

Seriously, does the dairy industry expect this to help their bottom line? Are there actually people who are buying almond milk, soy milk, rice milk, <whatever> milk and then getting home and saying, ‘oh dagnabit marketing, you’ve done it again! FOOLED!’

If anything this makes me want to come up with a new ‘milk’ which I’ll call candy milk, and you produce it by taking candy, adding it to water, and then grinding it all up real smooth and milk-like, see, and then boom, candy milk. 10,000% more sugar, 127% disgusting tasting, but boy will it sell like hotcakes to those milk-fools.

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Good old fashioned Costco-brand goat’s milk … or wait, this came from a team of rabbits?

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Du Jour of the Week

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It’s in His Kiss

Let’s dive into the oldies song, The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss). This is a song where the main singer could, understandably, get pretty frustrated.

Why? Because she is apparently talking to a bunch of duimmies who don’t know how to listen.

Let’s take a look.

The song starts off simply enough, the lead singer is telling us about a fella, her friends ask a few questions, and then she quickly reveals the secret to seeing where you stand.

Does he love me
I want to know

How can I tell if he loves me so

Is it in his eyes?

Oh no! You’ll be deceived

Is it in his sighs?

Oh no! He’ll make believe

If you want to know if he loves you so

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is
Oh yeah



Great. Secret revealed. Let’s move on. Right? Wrong. Because these dumb dumbs weren’t paying the SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTENTION.

Or is it in his face?

Oh no! That’s just his charms

In his warm embrace?

Oh no! That’s just his arms



I mean … come on, guys. Pay attention. And you can tell she’s getting a little short with them explaining that a hug is done with arms. Boom. Take that zinger.

The singer then goes on to once again explain that it’s in his kiss. She really spends some time on it.

And guess what happens as soon as she’s done explaining again? Yep.

How about the way he acts

Oh no! That’s not the way

And you’re not listenin’ to all I say

At this point the lead singer is really calling them out. But they respond with an equally sharp rebuttal by ASKING THE SAME QUESTION!

How about the way he acts

… At this point the lead singer essentially loses her poop (that’s the PG version!) and goes nuts, singing it’s in his kiss over and over and over A LOT. See, check it out.

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is
Oh whoa it’s in his kiss

That’s where it is
Oh yeah it’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

Ooh it’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

It’s in his kiss

That’s where it is

That’s the insane singings of a crazy person. And she was driven crazy by her listening-challenged friends.

Next time you enjoy this great oldies hit, remember that you are listening to someone’s mental state collapse before your very ears.

Enjoy!

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Du Jour of the Week

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June 2018 Haiku

June 1 (Friday)
With Trump I have learned
Opposite meditation
Deep breath. SCREAM. Deep breath.

June 2 (Saturday)
The heart soars with love
… As son snacks me in the face
… While shouting nonsense

June 3 (Sunday)
Kid’s first trip to pool!
What fun, huh?! Please? Darling? Fun?
…He was not a fan

June 4 (Monday)
Restaurant idea
‘Everything Tastes Like Chicken’
… Only serve cat food

June 5 (Tuesday)
Invited to lunch
“I’m trying to save money”
Offered coupon … What.

June 6 (Wednesday)
It’s Wednesday, right guys?
More like … When’s this day over!
(I apologize)

June 7 (Thursday)
Kid wants to stand. NOW.
Seems to move in slow motion …
Falls at super speed

June 8 (Friday)
Old men and babies
They walk leading with their guts
And love being nude

June 9 (Saturday)
It’s dad’s time to shine
Cutting last night time feeding
No milk here, buddy

June 10 (Sunday)
Dad handled night time
Mom and kid woke up early
And got doughnuts. Score.

June 11 (Monday)
The kid was cough-y
So now dad needs some coffee!
… Lord I’m so tired

June 12 (Tuesday)
Is Jersey Mike’s good?
Yes. Do they make snails look fast?
Un…Doubt…Ed…Ly…So

June 13 (Wednesday)
You’ve just died. God’s real.
Turns out God LOVES Mountain Dew.
How freaked out are you?

June 14 (Thursday)
I do love cuddles
Even if it’s one am
Which is, frankly, nuts

June 15 (Friday)
Two bad bugs are found
In cliché coding fashion
It’s last day of tests

June 16 (Saturday)
Saw Solo today
Star Wars fans are too whiny
They’re movies. Enjoy.

June 17 (Sunday)
Happy Father’s Day
One whole parent, one tenth the
Expectations. DADS!

June 18 (Monday)
Wore new socks today
They’re polka dot, but instead
Of dots … It’s son’s face

June 19 (Tuesday)
Hi gross leftovers.
Yes you’re bland and kinda gross
But I’m cheap. So there.

June 20 (Wednesday)
It’s not a good thing
When reading the news makes you
Want to cry or scream

June 21 (Thursday)
Pres playing a game
It’s him against common sense
Everyone’s losing

June 22 (Friday)
So, convertibles …
Think first one was a mistake?
“Ohhhhhh shoot … Eh, ship it.”

June 23 (Saturday)
First haircut today
Old man hairs hung over ears
Are no more – bye friends

June 24 (Sunday)
My watch tracks my steps
And tells me trends like, ‘Sundays:
‘Did your legs fall off?’

June 25 (Monday)
Boss’s boss in town
Effort to dress to impress:
Wore my nicest shorts

June 26 (Tuesday)
If World Cup was real
What kind of cup would it be?
Probably sippy

June 27 (Wednesday)
Kiddo wakes early
The alarm clock on my phone
Has felt neglected

June 28 (Thursday)
KID SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT
A RARE AND WONDERFUL TREAT!
… It was pretty nice

June 29 (Friday)
xbox with some pals
“How’s the new – aw frick I died! –
House? All unpacked now?”

June 30 (Saturday)
To do list and I
Have an odd relationship
There’s love and loathing

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