The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Customized License Plate Owner Seeking Friend

I know this won’t apply to more than 99% of the people reading this, but it’s important to me and hopefully everyone can respect that.

I’ve got a vanity license plate which says “thisguy.” It’s great, I’ve never regretted it for a moment. A friend of mine told me that I should find the girl who has the license plate “thisgrl” and marry her – but I think that’s tacky. It’s so obvious.

But it got me thinking – I could use a compadre, a compatriot, a brother-in-vanity-plate-arms. And who would be better than “that guy.”

Just imagine it! We’re out for a car ride on a Sunday morning, I fly through the church traffic making some Christian family on their way to being holy utter the big dude’s name in vain and then you cruise by, real slow and respectful like, and that Christian dad goes from angry to laughing. “Honey,” he says, pausing to laugh, “did you see that? First thisguy … then thatguy … God sure does have a sense of humor.”

That’s not God, bro, that’s me, my vanity license plate, and you.

And what about us on a two-lane highway, driving 50 in a 65, side-by-side, everyone behind us furious and yet … impressed. The coordination it must have taken to get thisguy and thatguy together as a unified team.

Please don’t respond to this ad if you don’t actually have the license plate thatguy. I have wasted far too much time driving to fake addresses and random people’s houses just so they can see that yes, I am actually for real about this.

Thanks,
thisguy

P.S. When you see me driving around give me a wave or something, solidarity!

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Things Got Dicey

During the long drive from Houston to Colorado (during winter storm GOLIATH to boot) Siri and I had words. And I learned, aside from the score of the Arizona game, that Siri doesn’t know when I am saying you’re vs when I’m saying your. What a dope!

Also, happy New Year’s everyone!

Siri 1 Siri 2 Siri 3 Siri 4 Siri 5 Siri 6 Siri 7

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Hey Man, You Pregnant?

Hey what’s going on? I noticed you’re looking at stuff in Target, you pregnant or something? I just ask cause they sell kids’ clothes here.

Oh and speaking of pregnant – you want me to help you announce to your friends and family that you might be pregnant?

Look, I know you said you’re not pregnant … But let’s be honest, you might be.

We can do this a bunch of ways, and I will help you make this a memorable announcement for as little as ten dollars. No more than one hundred – and for that price you start the video and say, “I have a big announcement everyone” all like happy or whatever, and then I walk in from a different room just wearing a diaper and maybe like one of those hats babies wear … And I say like “wah way mother f-” and then a microwave beeps or something so it’s like my cussing is edited. Or I can cuss. Whatever. That’s like the premier package.

I disagree, I don’t think you need to call security.

Listen for ten ten bucks, we call that the premiere package, you just announce it all nice like and I just sit off behind you a few feet back and make non-stop eye contact with the camera like the camera is flirting with me and I’m like ya whaddup camera I see your game and it’s love love baby.

No, what? Excuse me officer, did you hear what I just said? I said a tennis reference. That’s. A. Tennis. Reference.

All right. I get it, I’ll leave. Hit me up on twitter, @preggarsman, remember ten to one hundred and your friends and family will love you more.

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