The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Kitty

Own a, I kid you not, a 400 dollar pair of sun glasses.

Just tried on some jeans and all anyone can say is ‘oh, baby.’

Just because he called his friend delicious doesn’t mean he’s gay. He just looked delicious.

Tell people they recycle, but they don’t.

Have the most adorable sneeze.

Raccoon

Have more rhymes than California’s got cops.

Accidentally slapped a date in the face when trying to do the ‘yawn/arm around the shoulder move.’

The very definition of humble.

If you go for a jog and hurt yourself, and this guy comes jogging by? He’ll offer to pick you up and carry you to help. Honest, nicest guy you’ll ever meet.

Once went to a bar and was not slapped OR laughed at after saying, ‘I’ll give you seventy and you can owe me one.’

Rhinoceros

Sexy doesn’t even begin to describe.

If you see one of these guys in a short skirt, call your accountant and invest in gold bonds.

You can say anything you want to these guys, as long as you make it rhyme. For example, “I hate your stupid face, I need a flower vase.” They’ll find this perfectly acceptable.

Love trashy beach romance novels.

Has boots that are made for walkin.’

Sambava Tomato Frog

Has been to Georgia several times but has never fiddle-battled the Devil.

Is a wiz at spelling backwards.

Just hacked into your computer.

Thought ‘being a card counter’ meant they were good at making sure there are 52 cards in a deck.

Does really cool sound affects. Even if you don’t think sound affects are cool, you’d think her sound affects are.

***

Also check this out. My sister told me she saw that at a store, and it’s basically the same thing as my ‘Animal Facts!’ posts. Kind of a bummer that some dude’s off and published for the same crap I’m doing. To be fair he published his book August 2009, so he came up with this odd/stupid idea before I did. Nevertheless, it’s a bummer it’s not me. (Unless, reader, you are that author or one of his friends, in which case help me out?!!)

Ellen, where are you!!!? (To explain … in the ‘… Please?’ section I state my hope of having a drunken intern of Ellen’s ‘discover’ me and get me on her show.)

(Oh and these are all pictures I’ve taken. So take that fancy pants published author.)

3/12/10

DANG!

Ok, I guess I’d sort of been in denial about living with a zombie roommate who loves saying my nick … oh my God. My nickname!

DUDE!

***

Ok, I went and took a walk around my apartment complex to calm down a bit.

So, this is so obvious now, but it was still a shock. I mean … anyway …

I got home from work and the zombie was eating a BRAIN! It was so gross. (but, if you can remove the context, it was kind of funny … I mean, remember how I thought he was gay? Really he was just debating eating me!)

The zombie could tell he had crossed a boundary, because he looked at me and he seemed sort of ashamed and he said, “brains?”

I didn’t know what to do so I pointed at my head and I said, “tastes like ketchup” (he hates ketchup) and so we both kind of laughed about that.

Anyway, I think he and I sort of bonded tonight. We watched Princess Bride after I got back from my walk.

Talkin’ Bout That BoomBoom, Pierre

I felt bad because I posted a lovely little story about the sister and I yesterday, and I’ve got nothing on the bro-in-law, Pierre.

Well, except for that so-stupid-I-love-it joke: that he’s my brotha-in-law, because he’s a black dude (clearly I love this joke because I’m using it twice).

I haven’t known Pierre for very long, and I haven’t spent much time with him (I only see him when I go home, or when he and E$ come to visit).

BUT – here are a few Pierre moments.

*

When I visit home (home meaning the Phoenix area, so I can see my immediate family and relatives) I usually sleep at my parents house a few times, and my sister’s house. One day I stayed at E$ and Pierre’s.

I think it was a weekend day, so we were taking our time getting dressed and ready for the day.

I was sitting in the family room and Pierre began walking downstairs. He was yelling about something or other (possibly, though I doubt it, ‘where’s my pants?’). He came off the stairway and was wearing a nice t-shirt and boxer-briefs. Yowzers.

I gave him a look and he realized it was probably ‘too soon’ for me to see him roaming around in boxer-briefs (I brought this memory up last time I was home and he remembered it, and told me that yes, he realized too late that was ‘too soon’). In his defense he was going to the dryer or spare closet to get pants.

*

My mom, dad, E$ and Pierre and I (plus the dog!) were at our family cabin in Northern Arizona one weekend. It was summertime and that’s a favorite escape – leave the desert and head north.

Before dinner I suggested that Pierre, Erin and I only respond to my mother in rhyme. Meaning whatever she says, the last word of what she said had to rhyme with the last word of what we said.

Awesome.

I pretty much immediately forgot about this gem of an idea (as I tend to do with ‘gems’ like this one) but Pierre had not.

We sat down to eat and my mom made some comment.

Pierre responded, then gave me a look. I thought it over and … wait a minute! … YES! … Pierre rhymed it!

My mom said another thing and I rhyme-answered. This was good.

At that point (maybe Pierre got one more in) E$ intervened with a dirty look for both of us. The game stopped. It was probably for the best as I was doing a bad job keeping a straight face and my mom would’ve figure it out sooner rather than later.

*

One day I got a call from Pierre, which is rare (that rhymes!). About one or two rings in, the call ended. I happened to have my phone on me and was about to answer when the call stopped.

All right, I thought. No biggie.

Shortly after that I got another call from Pierre. This time I answered before he hung up.

“Hey Brad,” Pierre greeted me in that musical voice of his. He went on to explain that he was trying to call his friend Brian but had accidentally called me. He hung up, then felt bad, and so he called back to explain all this.

I pretty much just laughed at him during the explanation.

*

I’m not sure why we found this very funny and worth repeating so often, but Pierre said “it’s made of jewelry” about some item (which was apparently made of jewelry). At the time I think E$ and I had no idea what he was talking about, so ‘it’s made of jewelry’ became a go-to phrase for everything and anything.

*

Lastly, Pierre is a Haitian fella, and a guy who digs good causes, so he and a cousin of his have been working hard to put this together. Check it out, eh mon ami? (If I knew Creole, I’d write some Creole at this point.)