The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘america’

Attn: Ellen (7/4/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Happy July 4th, and happy bday America. May we look back upon this time as our awkward, rebellious teenage years.

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?



Christmas Movie Reviews

Jingle All the Whey – What do you get when you take a handful of blueberries, two apples, peanut butter, whey powder, holiday cheer, and love, and mix them in a blender? You get a holiday classic. James and Chaz are competing for Rhonda’s attention in this Christmas romcom, and it seems like everything can go wrong (except Chaz’s push-up form!). Grab your popcorn, your hot chocolate, and max out your reps on love in this ‘whey’ cozy Christmas movie! 4.7 stars.


12 Daze of Christmas – Filmed entirely in an Oregon dispensary, this fresh take on a Christmas tale that’s been told is sure to delight. Doug, our protagonist, is a pothead who loves Christmas, and second chances. But is he repeating the same day over and over until he learns his Christmas lesson, or just stoned out of his gourd? Join him as he attempts to learn the meaning of Christmas, between handfuls of Doritos of course! 4.9 stars.


p12259070_p_v8_aaThe Spirit of Christmas – This new holiday classic will leave you haunted … with feelings of joy. Go on a New England journey that involves ghosts, murder, treachery … and love. Remember, Christmas isn’t just about the gifts! 4.1 stars.


Groom for Improvement – This holiday hidden gem, release in 2012 with one of the strongest crops of Christmas classic movies, is waiting to be discovered again. Just like JoAnn discovers David, her neighbor who may not have always brushed his teeth, but he always brushes aside racism. This movie answers the question, ‘can there be an interracial Christmas movie that works on so many levels?” Turn on your TV, get ready to smile, and say it with me, the answer is undoubtedly yes. 4.2 stars.


Mall a Day for the Holiday – Disgraced Candice can’t seem to do anything right after she was shunned from the public eye for divorcing her cheating politician husband. But this Christmas, she won’t stop going from mall to mall looking for the perfect gift to win over her teenaged children. This movie embraces sexism on a level that is hardly comprehensible, which makes it this year’s favorite in the ‘what have we become as a society’ pool at work. Get a bottle of liquor, or two, and accept the fact that double standards are up while moral standards our down in the hell whole that is quickly becoming the United States of America. 4.7 stars.

Home Again!

The wife and I are back from our honeymoon in India! Since we have returned we have eaten …

  • Burgers for dinner
  • Cereal and doughnuts for breakfast
  • Taco Bell/Pizza Hut for lunch
  • Dinner tonight will be ice cream and cheese/sausage/crackers
photo 3

This, this is a picture of the sweet sight of America.



Are Doctors Too Well Respected in America?

I hate to be the one to say this – but I think we’re giving a little too much kudos to doctors these days. Look at all of the controversy around health care. Who is a primary player in all of this? Gee, I don’t know, maybe DOCTORS?

Look, doctors are useful, I am not saying they’re not. But I just think we should take a step back and examine just how high of a pedestal we have placed them on.

For example, the other day I was driving to a secluded area to go for a jog and I must have driven by at least half a dozen streets named after doctors. How insane is that!? America, what are we doing to ourselves?

First there was Circle Doctor Street. That’s fine, I guess. I mean, who was this Circle Doctor? Or was it a person who was a doctor of circles? If so, what’s that mean? If it instead was or is someone’s last name, what country are you even from?

Then I was driving past Saint James Doctor. Then Callaway Doctor.

That’s another thing, when we name roads after doctors, why do we reverse their names? Shouldn’t it be Doctor Circle? Doctor Saint James? Doctor Callaway? (And really, Doctor Saint James? Someone named their child Saint? Come on, people, that’s a tough name to live up to.)

Look at this, another overly praised Doctor. Boyden, pft, I bet you’re not that good.

Hell Yes, America!

My buddies and I will be rocking these for a 5k at some point. It will be great.

Happy July 4th!

Now, what are you doing wasting time looking at your computer – you should be outside grilling!

Attn: Ellen (3/16/11)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I love this painting.

I also love seeing impressionist paintings and saying, “oh my GOD! My vision! What’s wrong – everything’s blurry!!!”

There’s just something nice about the tour guide’s disapproving look and hearing someone mutter about, “the idiot youth of America.”


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