The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

My Zombie Roomy (10/26/10)

I hadn’t seen the Zombie in a while, but I came home today and the bathroom door was closed. I thought about it and I was pretty sure I hadn’t closed the bathroom door before I left.

This got me nervous.

Then I heard some sloshing coming from inside the bathroom. Bathtub sounds.

This made me even more nervous. And pretty curious.

I walked up to the bathroom and listened. After I heard a few sounds from inside I knew it was the Zombie. You might think I felt better knowing that – but not really. The Zombie doesn’t use the bathroom. The Zombie doesn’t take baths. The Zombie doesn’t close doors.

What is happening?

“Zombie, I’m going to open the door …” I said, a little worried.

I opened the door and I saw something that shocked me. Absolutely shocked me.

The Zombie had lit some candles, was laying in the bath tub with tons of bubbles, he had some old-fashioned hair curlers he had somehow shoved into his head, and was gnawing on a self-help book on how to get over being broken up with (based on the books cover, ironic I know, it looked to be a book for heterosexual women).

The Zombie burped, and we both laughed. Things are back on track with me and the Zomb!

Also because of the bath he doesn’t smell like death, mixed with curry, mixed with feet! He instead just smells like death.

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My Zombie Roomy

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Smell the Memories

Alaska, December, 1990

Two fun things about this picture:

1) My grandma, who has been living in Phoenix, Arizona for a long while came and visited us our first winter in Alaska. The desert to the tundra. Gutsy!

2) My sister and I are the two orange puff-balls. My mom loved those jackets. Do you know how easy it is to spot a giant orange poof in a field of white snow? Clever lady that mom is.

 

Awww, what a little psychopath! Adorable!

I do find this kind of weird though (no, not the white sweatsuit) – we had a pinata at a Christmas party. That’s not normal, right? I guess any excuse to give kids a bat? Sure, that works.

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Pictures

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Animal Facts! (Addax, Peacock, Okapi, Blue and Gold Macaw)

Addax

Finds your narrow-minded opinions more offensive than old people.

Whenever he does a mad lib he picks ‘awesome’d’ for the verb. For example, “Joe awesome’d his way to the store.’

Surprisingly nimble. Only instead of surprising it’s ‘not at all.’ And instead of nimble it’s ‘intelligent.’

At work he has one of those random fact books in his cube. When someone new starts and asks where the fax machine is he takes him to his book and says, “what do you want to know?!” Terrible. Just, terrible.

References former good points he’s made when trying to make a point.

 

Peacock

More crazy than Woody Allen.

Skypes with his grandma.

Wants to get away for the weekend, and only wants to bring three things: a sleeping bag, wine, and you. Oh yeah and a TV. Maybe some Fritos too.

Was on the third season of Mad Men before realizing ‘Mad’ in the title didn’t mean angry.

Has the best sarcastic applause.

 

Okapi

Leaves the funniest voicemails!

Is going to get, “I should’ve picked door number 2” on his epitaph.

Doesn’t ask if you want to see a movie or a flick, asks if you “would like to accompany him to the cinema.” I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you that he doesn’t see movies with friends very often.

Just discovered how to turn garbage into gold! Gold!! GOLD!!!

Even though he’s straight, always ends up with pet names like, ‘buttercup’ or ‘cupcake’ in the relationship.

 

Blue and Gold Macaw

Could eat up his weight in groceries.

“Ugh! Don’t look at me, I am so breaking out right now!”

Was tutored in math starting in the fourth grade. (You didn’t hear it from me, but still failed algebra!)

Name always comes up as misspelled in spellchecker.

Wants to have two boys and two girls. And their names will be Cecil, Curtis, Lisa, and Lesbian. Nah, kidding about that last one. Leslie, not Lesbian.

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Animal Facts

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