The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘groceries’

Weekly Wacko (65)

Do These Glasses Make Me Look Stupid?

It turns out that people get glasses for a reason. I don’t know, though, I’m still testing this.

In high school I was involved in you-name-it-I’m-in-it club. This was for the almighty get into a good college nonsense. One of these clubs involved volunteering.

At some point I was signed up to go bag groceries at a grocery store. It was for the March of Dimes. After bagging someone’s groceries I would smilingly say, “I’m bagging groceries for the March of Dimes, if you have any spare change …” Or something along those lines.

I figured bagging groceries didn’t require 20-20 vision, so I left my glasses in my car.

A good friend and I head to the grocery store, it is close to where he lives and he was just as involved in clubs so he figured why not. I am assigned an aisle and I am ready to rumble!

Let’s bring this mess on so I can BAG IT UP!

Unfortunately it is slow-moving that day – hardly anybody is coming through. When people do come through they give me nothing. I may as well have been saying, “I’m bagging groceries for my crack addiction, if you have any spare change …”

During the lulls I debate talking to the clerk. She is a pretty cute girl, I think. Again, not wearing my glasses. But I can be awfully shy and instead look around during the lulls, pretending to be deep in thought.

With about fifteen minutes left a woman comes along and asks for a pack of cigarettes. I stare at her. The clerk stares at me. The woman stares at me. The clerk asks if I will go get the cigarettes (they were behind some counter). I gladly comply – why didn’t they just ask in the first place instead of staring at me! (Like I’m not already awkward enough.)

After I get the cigarettes I come back and hand them to the clerk. She says, “thanks, Brad.”

What?

How does she know my name?

I …

Oh …

Oh no …

OH MAN YOU GOTTA BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!

I dated one girl in high school. It was an odd relationship that ended on a weird note. This clerk, as luck would have it, happened to be my one ex-girlfriend.

I had just been standing FIVE FEET AWAY FROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND for about … oh … an hour and forty-five minutes … and I didn’t say a word.

I sincerely hope she caught the surprised look on my face and remembered that I ordinarily wore glasses. If it was me I would’ve assumed the worst and thought I was just some horribly mean person who couldn’t even say hello.

Thankfully I left very soon after that.

I don’t think I said anything before I left – too busy yelling at myself for not wearing glasses and doing that community service in the first place and then for walking away without saying goodbye (I started yelling at myself for this as soon as I turned my back and started to walk).

Glasses, huh? They are a tricky friend.

Want another example of a glasses-free bit of idiocy? Click here.

Animal Facts! (Addax, Peacock, Okapi, Blue and Gold Macaw)

Addax

Finds your narrow-minded opinions more offensive than old people.

Whenever he does a mad lib he picks ‘awesome’d’ for the verb. For example, “Joe awesome’d his way to the store.’

Surprisingly nimble. Only instead of surprising it’s ‘not at all.’ And instead of nimble it’s ‘intelligent.’

At work he has one of those random fact books in his cube. When someone new starts and asks where the fax machine is he takes him to his book and says, “what do you want to know?!” Terrible. Just, terrible.

References former good points he’s made when trying to make a point.

 

Peacock

More crazy than Woody Allen.

Skypes with his grandma.

Wants to get away for the weekend, and only wants to bring three things: a sleeping bag, wine, and you. Oh yeah and a TV. Maybe some Fritos too.

Was on the third season of Mad Men before realizing ‘Mad’ in the title didn’t mean angry.

Has the best sarcastic applause.

 

Okapi

Leaves the funniest voicemails!

Is going to get, “I should’ve picked door number 2” on his epitaph.

Doesn’t ask if you want to see a movie or a flick, asks if you “would like to accompany him to the cinema.” I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you that he doesn’t see movies with friends very often.

Just discovered how to turn garbage into gold! Gold!! GOLD!!!

Even though he’s straight, always ends up with pet names like, ‘buttercup’ or ‘cupcake’ in the relationship.

 

Blue and Gold Macaw

Could eat up his weight in groceries.

“Ugh! Don’t look at me, I am so breaking out right now!”

Was tutored in math starting in the fourth grade. (You didn’t hear it from me, but still failed algebra!)

Name always comes up as misspelled in spellchecker.

Wants to have two boys and two girls. And their names will be Cecil, Curtis, Lisa, and Lesbian. Nah, kidding about that last one. Leslie, not Lesbian.

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