The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘canada’

Rumors About Canada

My buddy Rainbow Speak is on his annual crazy vacation – he goes to Canada for about two weeks with some family members (dad, brother, that kind of thing) and they hike/canoe/fish/camp out. That’s it. Every day they wake up, break camp, hike/canoe to the next location, fish, and then cook that fish for food.

It sounds amazing and nutty.

Because of his upcoming trip to Canada I wanted to look up some information, and dispel rumors about our great neighbor to the north.

The Top 5 Canadian Rumors

1. In Canada you are not recognized as a citizen until you cut down your first tree.

FACT. Most Canadians have done this by the time they are three, so by the time they are adults they don’t even remember that this was a “big deal.”

2. Knock-knock jokes are not popular in Canada, not because they’re not funny, but because they imply that the door is not always open.

FACT. If there was a knock-knock joke, the second line would always be, “Come on in neighbor!”

3. The first time a serial killer was in Canada, it wasn’t until years after the killer was caught that Canadians realized this was a person who killed people, rather than someone who just really loved cereal.

MYTH. There has never been a human Canadian serial killer. The only serial killers in Canada are bears.

4. Maple syrup is used as a form of currency in Canada.

MYTH. They use paper bills and coins. No one would ever part with their currency if it was maple syrup.

5. In a dark room somewhere in Canada, an evil mastermind occasionally gets on a microphone and talks to a random selection of Canadians. This evil mastermind has the ability to talk to any Canadian, at any time. He simply asks the question, “what’s the first letter of the alphabet?” and Canadians answer seamlessly.

MYTH. The Canadian alphabet, like the Canadian people, is so friendly that the first letter of their alphabet is actually “eh plus.”

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Canadian Rock Concert

Canada Rock Concert

Weekly Wacko Quick Hits

When I went home for Christmas my mom picked me up from the airport. For the past few months I have been working out, lifting weights and such. This is not the standard for my lanky self. It’s motivated by my buddy Rainbow Speak, and Juicebox (aka J from Europe). We make fun of each other at the gym, which is ‘motivational’ (sure, we’ll go with that word). When my mom was driving me to meet up with my sister for the three of us to hang out for the day she said a classic mom line, which myself and the fellas have now said a number of times.
“Is Popeye mad?”
“Eh?”
“Because you took all his muscles!” (My mom obviously said this jokingly.)
Shortly after I texted Rainbow Speak this line. My plan was to use it on Juicebox to weird him out, but when I got back to work after New Year’s not only did Juicebox already know the line, but a number of other co-workers. Awkward.

 

Stretching before my jog, and wearing sunglasses with hot pink in them (I got them for free from SMU) a little girl walked by me. She was walking with her bike. “Just stand there, don’t ask questions,” she said, I’m pretty sure to me. I was confused, so I ended up doing exactly what she’d instructed me to do. Weird. She walked about 15 more feet when she turned and yelled, “I like your sunglasses!” I yelled a happy and amused thank you. Then a few more feet and she turned again, “It takes a real man to wear those!”

 

Rainbow Speak is from Minnesota. But Juicebox and I like to round up and say he’s from Canada. In our terrible jokes this means he only eats maple syrup, has super nice manners, hangs out with penguins (facts aren’t necessary for dumb jokes), wrestles bears, etc, etc. The latest joke was in the form of a terrible prank call that I tried. I tried calling his work phone, which does not display the caller’s number.

“Rainbow Speak this is corporate America.” (Substitute his real name and the company name.)
“Hi, I noticed a vehicle in the parking lot leaking maple syrup, sir.”
“Oh golly well I’ll send my penguins out right away to take care of that!”
What was impressive was that he came up with that without missing a beat. Touché Rainbow Speak.

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