The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘stereotypes’

Messing With Mike Pence

You know how Mike Pence is famously stupid? Especially in regard to homosexual people, and women?

I really hope there are at least a few White House staffers who are mildly intelligent and seizing this opportunity. Just THINK of the insane stereotypes you could make up and he would believe!

Especially about lesbians, because they represent the common area of the Venn diagram of topics where Mike Pence has reached a critical mass level of stupid.

  • Tell him that lesbians ONLY use spoons … And then prove it by saying, ‘have you ever SEEN a lesbian eating a steak?’
  • Tell him that gay men are 70% more likely to own pet lizards, and you’ll see some weird new Indiana lizard tax
  • Tell him that it’s time to re-read the Bible and recognize that he’s got a few things wrong, and that it’s ok that he’s gay and to quit expressing his repression in such awful ways
  • Tell him that his weird mildly constipated, he’s feeling better than / the room is too bright look has been co-opted by the gay community and he’s going to have to find a new resting face
alphabet arts and crafts conceptual creativity

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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Volunteer Ranger

Tonight (I wrote this a while ago) I am going to attend training to become a volunteer ranger. For posterity, I’d like to go ahead and state some assumptions and stereotypes I have about rangers, and then I can look back on this and see how right or wrong these preconceived notions were.

1. All rangers have the nickname Jean, or Jeanie, or are named Jean, or Jeanie. This is because Jean is a great name (Jeanie, admittedly less so) OR because rangers love wearing Jeans and they are the right combination of dull/pleasant that they sit around thinking of nicknames for each other and all they can come up with is the same nickname over and over.

2. Not all rangers were born in the midwest or the great white north (Minnesota, one of the Dakotas, that kind of region) but all of them are emotionally from those places. For example, you wouldn’t be shocked at all to hear a ranger say, ‘oh ya, you betcha!’ in response to a question like ‘are bears dangerous?’

3. If a ranger is invited to a formal event, like a very fancy wedding, and they are told it is a “black tie” event – that ranger (male or female) will inevitably bring a date who has a mother from Thailand and a father from South Africa. And then that ranger will make numerous racist jokes. And yet, the ranger will still somehow be a real hit.

Also, bonus stereotype, don’t expect to see that ranger on the dance floor.

4. If pressed, a ranger will eventually admit that they do have a tattoo of John Denver, and no, you can’t see where it is.

5. No, you can’t know a ranger’s secret to happiness, but yes, it does involve home-made crossword puzzles.

There you have it, a few simple stereotypes that I’ve been carrying around. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’d sign off Jean, but I wish! I’m not yet a volunteer ranger. And besides, I bet us volunteer rangers don’t get the Jean nickname. Probably, at best, I’ll be called the Jortster.

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Seen here – me on duty (You want to be a ranger, too? These are Chubbies brand.)

 

Rumors About Canada

My buddy Rainbow Speak is on his annual crazy vacation – he goes to Canada for about two weeks with some family members (dad, brother, that kind of thing) and they hike/canoe/fish/camp out. That’s it. Every day they wake up, break camp, hike/canoe to the next location, fish, and then cook that fish for food.

It sounds amazing and nutty.

Because of his upcoming trip to Canada I wanted to look up some information, and dispel rumors about our great neighbor to the north.

The Top 5 Canadian Rumors

1. In Canada you are not recognized as a citizen until you cut down your first tree.

FACT. Most Canadians have done this by the time they are three, so by the time they are adults they don’t even remember that this was a “big deal.”

2. Knock-knock jokes are not popular in Canada, not because they’re not funny, but because they imply that the door is not always open.

FACT. If there was a knock-knock joke, the second line would always be, “Come on in neighbor!”

3. The first time a serial killer was in Canada, it wasn’t until years after the killer was caught that Canadians realized this was a person who killed people, rather than someone who just really loved cereal.

MYTH. There has never been a human Canadian serial killer. The only serial killers in Canada are bears.

4. Maple syrup is used as a form of currency in Canada.

MYTH. They use paper bills and coins. No one would ever part with their currency if it was maple syrup.

5. In a dark room somewhere in Canada, an evil mastermind occasionally gets on a microphone and talks to a random selection of Canadians. This evil mastermind has the ability to talk to any Canadian, at any time. He simply asks the question, “what’s the first letter of the alphabet?” and Canadians answer seamlessly.

MYTH. The Canadian alphabet, like the Canadian people, is so friendly that the first letter of their alphabet is actually “eh plus.”

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