The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (12/6/10)

Shocking Celebrity News!

Well-known actor Keanu Reeves today was shocked to learn that he is, in fact, an actor. Upon learning the news Reeves was heard to utter, “whoa,” and, “so I don’t know kung-fu?”

Reeves, who is best known for playing a rather dim-witted but likable character in <movie name here>, is “eh, he’s ok” by 77% of movie-goers.

At first paparazzi laughed when they observed Keanu’s shock at finding out he was an actor. Then they realized the joke was just “too good,” as paparazzi Joe “I watch you while you sleep” Meyerson put it. “At first I thought, wow what a great joke Keanu!, then I was like, wait a minute … this is Keanu!”

Meyerson then began to quiz Reeves, asking him about what he thought certain times of his life were if not movies.

Said Keanu,

“Look, I took a bus once, and then I decided to never take one again. Are you kidding me? That was so scary.”

“The NFL is incredibly tough. I have so much respect for those guys. Not only do they go out there and play every … whatever day that is, but they also have to work out coordinated song-and-dance numbers in case they get arrested. That’s why after that season I retired.”

“What’s a phone booth? Oh you mean me and Bill! … Look, it was a phase. I time-traveled. Give me a break.”

Meyerson’s last question to Keanu was an important one to fans of this great (actor) everywhere – “now that you know you’re an actor … will this impact your acting style?”

Said Reeves, “I just realized I’m not wearing pants. Is that ok?”

Keanu Reeves fans rejoice, because he looks to be the same fantastic actor we’ve all come to unwillingly and oddly know and love.

[In other news … if you haven’t seen this site I find it pretty funny: http://sadkeanu.tumblr.com/]

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De Jour of the Week (11/30/10)

Why do hockey fights start? It’s a rough game and those guys know it going in. But sometimes they can’t hold back – they can’t help but throw off the gloves and knock some teeth out (if available to be knocked out).

But always there’s the tipping point – from, “aw well coach said don’t get in a fight,” to “let’s do this.”

Hockey Fight Tipping Points!

“Mud-blood.”

 

“I heard taxation without representation was YOUR fault!!”

 

“Bruce Willis is dead the whole movie!”

 

“If a biopic is a biographical film wouldn’t it make sense for a myopic to be an autobiographical film?”

 

“STOP TALKING! … Don’t you know I hate knock-knock jokes!?!”

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De Jour of the Week (11/23/10)

Where’s My Doe-Eyed Look and Legs That Go for Days?

I’m not about to write a dissertation
About getting out of a citation
With some harmless, mindless (‘I wasn’t flirting! … Oh! I guess I was flirting …’) flirtation
But my inability to do this does cause me some irritation

When those lights flash behind me my first thought is: aggravation
Followed by: frustration
With, I’ll admit, some four-letter words uttered with some not so small amount of exaggeration
While you of the fairer sex probably practice batting your eyes in the same situation

And then the cop sits in his car for what seems a sudden-onset two-week vacation
Taking my annoyance/worry/fear past their limitation
Seriously – did he pull me over then notice a tear in his seams so he then quickly pulled out his ever-handy pocket-sewing kit for some minor alteration
Others, I won’t point fingers, sit confident, waiting to exercise their skilled craft of subtle insinuation

Next the cop walks SLOWLY toward my car – viewing it and me under close inspection
I sit thinking of laws I’ve broken, things I’ve done wrong, such guilty introspection
‘Don’t say anything wrong,’ I think, ‘Don’t do anything wrong. Don’t give him any legal ammunition.’
The pretty faces yawn – to them this is bush-league, this is exhibition

The officer approaches and stares DOWN at me, “license and registration”
Straight to it, eh cop? No anticipation?
I’d make a joke about ‘traffic stop foreplay’ but I don’t have that kind of gumption
When you’ve got that doe-eyed look and legs that go for days who need’s a woman’s intuition?

The officer asks some questions without the slightest hint of animation
I stutter and stumble with some mental constipation
My hopes of a warning go up in a bug conflagration
And you, you, you send the hint of a hint of a good vibration

Without any hesitation
(And it probably goes without saying, also without any affection)
Here comes my ticket and from me a silent nod without any argumentation
Meanwhile you allow yourself some self-congratulation

Ninety-nine percent of the time your doe-eyed look and legs that go for days are cause for adulation
But for that other time I insist on some new legislation
It’s not sublimation it’s shameless self-exploitation
And besides, it’s unfair and I don’t like it and you’re pretty and what are you up to later tonight because maybe we can discuss this over some candle-lit situation

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