The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Johnathon P. Prickles

It occurs to me that Hollywood may be seen as a place that lacks creative influx. That is shy the courage to be truly innovative or out there. There is noticeable reward for using tried and true ideas: those are where profits sit. But people fail to jump on board 100% because some people want to sit back and bash Hollywood for a lack of newness.
Don’t worry Hollywood, Joe Complainer, I’ve got everyone covered.
A Tarzan reboot (you’re welcome Hollywood) starring Will Ferrell as the title character (you’re welcome again Hollywood) BUT (you’re welcome creative-seekers) there’s a twist.
Instead of a boy being raised by apes in the jungle, this man was raised by porcupines in some weirdos backyard. One of those people who has a lot of animals and a big ranch.
The person, played by Will Ferrell, will be Johnathon P. Prickles, and boy will he ever be … prickly. I know, that joke was obvious, but I think a lot of people like obvious jokes.
This movie will have everything:
  • Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
  • A grown man being prickly
  • Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
  • Betty White as the owner of this ranch
  • An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
  • Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
  • And that director’s name? Woody Allen
There you have it, Hollywood, America, everyone wins.
mv5bmti1mju3mti2mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwmdgxnte4mq-_v1_uy317_cr10214317_al_

“Scene 247, Take 32, I um, … well, what can I say? A dog pants, I don’t.” – a naked Woody Allen

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

What to Inspect When You’re Inspecting

Having owned my own house for about a year now I can tell you with confidence that I don’t know what I’m doing.

At any moment a pipe could burst, the dryer could leak acid, the backyard could explode into flames, and I’d think to myself, ‘ah, well, I guess that’s normal.’

One key thing is to seem relaxed and confident while dealing with the issue. Put on your least attractive jeans, an old t-shirt with pit stains that somehow reach down to your navel, and a tool belt (if you don’t have one, an ice cream bar is equally good). Then call in someone who knows what they’re doing and offer advice over their shoulder while you pay them gobs of money per hour.

  • “Ah, there’s the problem, my rotator belt is shot,” you might say while the person looks at your breaker box.
  • “Oh ho, looks like Christmas came twice this year!” you could mutter while the person explains that your air ducts are so full of hair there is essentially a dead Chewbacca in your vents.
  • Maybe you prefer nonverbal communication? Try picking your nose and laughing maniacally while the person explains that putting your Nest thermostat in the microwave is not a cheaper way to heat up the house.
  • Try a joke to lighten the mood, “my refrigerator isn’t running, but it has started daily walks to lose some weight,” and then nod in complete agreement as the fire deputy explains why indoor bonfires are bad ideas.

As always, we here at DumbFunnery are just offering our opinion and do not necessarily even bathe more than once a week. Got to go now, the cat is dying for a staring contest.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

40 Years from Now

Shot of a vibrant green golf course, panning slowly to show a sand trap, trees lining the fairway, and finally in the distance we see a man, an old man hunched over with age, walking gingerly up to the tee.

Voice over begins as we zoom in toward the man.

I’m Michael Jordan, and I’ll admit, I’m a betting man.

As we continue to zoom you see Michael putting the golf ball on the tee.

For example, I had bet I wouldn’t live to be 94.

Michael starts standing back up.

I also bet Hanes I would never wear any of their incredibly comfortable, incredibly absorbent, and great-priced adult diaper underpants.

Michael is still standing back up, he’s pretty old you know.

But sometimes you lose your bets, and it’s when that happens,

Michael steps back from the tee.

That you really need some spending cash. Like, I’m willing to do any commercial kind of need.

Michael’s slow, graceful backswing begins.

I don’t even want to think about what kind of commercials I’d be willing to do if I live till 100.

Michael swings, connects with the ball, it zooms forward about 20 feet.

Anyway, these diapers are … (pained, sad noise) a real slam dunk.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with: