The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today?

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!

 

1. Recently my nephew was diagnosed with something that apparently only kids can catch. It’s called ‘hand, foot and mouth disease.’ Is it REALLY only contagious with kids?

Hey pal, sorry about your nephew. That stinks! On to your question: In most cases the disease is found in people 5 years and younger. However it can sometimes also be caught by adults. What doctors won’t tell you is that if you are young at heart, you are just as susceptible to the disease as a child, so be wary.

 

2. What’s this growth?

Woah! Heya buddy, that’s puberty in action!

 

3. I recently strained my calf while playing softball. How long do you think I’ll have to wait before I can play softball again?

You got injured playing softball? Huh. Maybe sports aren’t your thing.

 

Thanks for the questions everyone, and remember, stay healthy!

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Du Jour of the Week

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How Sensitive Are Your Guy Friends?

Recently my lady pal and I were talking about my friends and she said of one of them, “I think he’s more sensitive than you guys realize.”

Do You Have Sensitive Guy Friends?

Could it be true? Could one of your friends be a sensitive guy? If you yourself are a stereotypical guy, how can you learn? You’re in luck, dear reader, the answer is here in this test.

Q1. Hey buddy, how do you feel?
a. Hungry
b. Tired
c. What?
d. Full of emotions

The real answer? It’s a trick question. If you’re asking a question that has the word “feel” in it, you’re the emotional one.

 

Q2. We’ve now reached a point in our lives where we’re a little older and our respective relationships are inherently more serious because of that. You guys want to rent, ah who am I kidding I own it, you guys want to watch Love Actually and discuss the current state of our relationships?
a. Ok.
b. Oh my God you’re dying, aren’t you?
c. I think Love Actually presents kind of an unrealistic view of relationships. Yes, there are sad stories in the movie but the happy stories are just SO over the top it’s clearly a movie. You know? What about a more realistic and honest dialogue about what love is using a movie like Star Wars Episode VI? That has elements of love in friendships, conflicted family ties, and romance.
d. Dude I’m gonna eat so much ice cream my tears are gonna be sweet instead of salty.

If you have a friend that answered (c) you should ask that person what they thought of Star Wars, episodes 1, 2 or 3 and see what happens. It’ll be a riot.

 

Q3. Do you guys think, if you have a son, you’ll raise that kid like you were raised? I just ask because … I don’t know, I don’t really know how to talk about emotions with guys and it probably dates back to how I am with my dad.
a. Dude. I really appreciate you being brave enough to say that. But you know what? You’re never going to change that behavior with your future children if you can’t change who you are now. You think having a kid will suddenly make you a fountain of emotions, and that you’ll pour your emotions out … like a fountain … pours water? No. You need to keep being brave and start making that change right here, right now. Tell me, really, how are you feeling?
b. So … You don’t wanna grab lunch?
c. If I play my cards right, my children will be pro athletes by age 20, and they can hire people to raise me … Because I fully plan on staying in a state of arrested development. UP TOP!
d. That’s not what your mom said last night!

If your friend gave answer (b) it is because he is hiding from his emotions. And let me tell you, dear reader, you don’t play hide and go seek with emotions because in the end they seek you out and make you pay for hiding.

 

There you have it. You now know how to separate your sensitive friends from your non-sensitive friends. That’s not to say your other friends can’t feel feelings, it’s just that they may identify most readily with anger. In order to placate them, talk about emotions while doing some emotionally soothing activity like going to the batting range or shooting guns. Or, if these options scare you (as they should): try booze.

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Running Thoughts

Are flying bugs actually a bunch of daredevils? When people are out exercising with their mouths hanging open, gasping for air, do bugs gather, dare each other, and then go for it? The goal of course being to fly in to the Sarlac Pit, the Pit of Despair, and then to fly out again.

For the true daredevils, those who have survived a trip into the Pit and come out alive, they go for the next challenge: a quick punch to the uvula (aka The Wrecking Ball), and then out again. This is why so many of us seem to choke on bugs while out and about, they weren’t absent-minded, they were the bravest and dumbest of the bug world’s daredevils.

***

I saw a guy wearing a Clippers jersey the morning after they had lost a game (a playoffs game for those of you who are not very basketball savvy). Is this man a dedicated Clippers fan, showing his support for his team despite a loss? OR, is he a very clever and mean Oklahoma City Thunder fan, walking around and delighting whenever an actual Clippers fan sees him and says, “tough loss last night, huh?”

***

If I was very passionate about a politician, here’s what I would do. Starting around four days before the election I would get a bumper sticker (or lots) for the main opposing candidate and I would drive like an absolute a-hole. The WORST. I would cut someone off, then switch lanes, slow down and flip the bird, then cut them off again. Why? No reason. People would see me, think “I hate this guy …” and maybe, JUST maybe, if this was an undecided voter I would have swayed them to vote against the candidate I am representing. Or, more likely, they will not vote.

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