The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Ask DumbFunnery – Celebrity Gossip!

Who’s hot to trot, and who’s not!? Find out in this December Issue of Dishing Over Dishes! Today, I’m joined by a simpleton. We’ll find out what he knows about celebrities!

Q: What makes Kelly Ripa so down to earth?
A: She is very short. Something like 3, or 4, or maybe 5 feet tall. Certainly not 6. Likely in the 3-5 range. Even if she jumps she is still really close to the ground. It’s funny when you think about it.
Q: Will The Rock look like a frightening old creature when he’s super old and still weirdly muscular?

rear view of man sitting on rock by sea

Seen here, some guy staring at The Rock.

A: Rocks don’t age, they just fade from the wind.
Q: Could Wilbur Ross make a comeback?
A: Wilbur Ross? The jelly guy from the Today Show?* Sure, as long as jelly’s cool, he’ll be cool.

 

*Editor’s note. Wilbur Ross is the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, and looks like a sour grape. Willard Scott is the jelly guy, and he should consider making Secretary Ross into jelly (though it would likely taste gross).

 

Q: What do you think about Rachel Ray?
A: The amount of disrespect I have for that woman could fill a book. Well, a novella. Or a pamphlet. How tangential am I allowed to get?

 

P.S. In the beginning of this I mentioned I was joined by a simpleton. Bonus news flash, I’M the simpleton! It’s just me here! No one is around me! Happy holidays.

Attn: Ellen (12/12/18)

Front

Ellen378b

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen378a

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Recently I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I took off my glasses and wow – stunning! What a beautiful fuzzy creature stood before me! Such a sharp (maybe?) jawline! Such dazzling eyes are probably right around that area? I didn’t know what I was looking at, but I liked (possibly?) it.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

November 2018 Haiku

November 1 (Thursday)
Stay woke, everyone
And obviously the key
Is a good night’s rest

#dadJoke

November 2 (Friday)
It’s Friday, people!
Or ‘It’s Friday people!’ … Hm.
Impetuous group.

November 3 (Saturday)
Swam one whole mile!
Took me a long time (looooong time)
But, hey, I did it

November 4 (Sunday)
Wife, kid errand-ing
I could be so productive!
Or not. I choose … Not.

November 5 (Monday)
Son loves Graham crackers
Dipped in milk for him today
Love? No. Taste-splosion.

November 6 (Tuesday)
Election results
Not the blue wave I hoped for
But a nice blue splash

November 7 (Wednesday)
Design Thinking class
Today: creating ideas
No eval (it’s fun!)

November 8 (Thursday)
Game night with fellas
Game download took hours so …
We ACTUALLY talked!

#normallyJustYellAtGame

November 9 (Friday)
Design Thinking class
Today: just get to the point!
(Presentation work)

November 10 (Saturday)
Son scared at haircut
He holds my hand the whole time
Heart melts, and reforms

November 11 (Sunday)
It’s Veterans Day
A humble thanks to all those
Who served this country

November 12 (Monday)
Coffee and reading
Dear book, please explain toddlers
Or, you know, just mine

November 13 (Tuesday)
Candy bag at work
Take one, bite down on it and …
Huh, this is … quite old

November 14 (Wednesday)
Wandering my work
Seeking leftover candy
Miss you, sugar fix!

November 15 (Thursday)
Oh floating band-aid
You distract me from swimming
And fill me with fear

November 16 (Friday)
Cleaned up at a park
THIRTY tires! Dumpster FILLED!
‘Grats humanity

November 17 (Saturday)
Habitat build day
Worked on some sarcastic walls
… dry … walls … I’m sorry

November 18 (Sunday)
First sporting event!
Kid was absorbed watching it
So much to take in!

November 19 (Monday)
The kiddo has croup
Nightly cuddles have ensued
No sleep for mom, dad

November 20 (Tuesday)
It’s a short work week
At standup someone called it
“Who else has checked out?”

November 21 (Wednesday)
It’s a travel day
Kiddo passed out on my lap
Please, PLEASE stay sleeping

November 22 (Thursday)
Happy Thanksgiving!
May your turkey be as stuffed
As you will soon be

November 23 (Friday)
Planned to jog today
Instead had a huge breakfast
And light lunch of pie

November 24 (Saturday)
Got to see some pals!
Operation ‘move near us!’
Is now underway

November 25 (Sunday)
Long travel day home
Kiddo did lots of waving
A queen in past life?

November 26 (Monday)
Back to work today
Oh and that defect is back
Bad welcome back gift

November 27 (Tuesday)
In a class today
Teacher has classic nerd voice
(Establishes cred)

November 28 (Wednesday)
15th month check-up
“Still not walking? Hmm, ok”
Shush, doc, he’s perfect

November 29 (Thursday)
My little goofball
Is now into tilting head
World’s more fun sideways

November 30 (Friday)
Son of a biscuit
Bug fix I checked in that shipped
Doesn’t fully work