The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Adventures in Haircuts

For the past two years or so I have been going to the same place to get my hair cut. I go to the place for two reasons:

  • It’s cheap
  • It’s close by

Clearly, I’m not too concerned with how my haircuts go. But it wouldn’t hurt me if I was. Except for a handful of occasions, I have left my haircutters of choice disappointed. I go assuming that I will leave with a haircut I don’t like. Usually it’s an easy problem though – they cut it shorter than I want. I can get over this because a week or two after I get my hair cut it will look nice, and because they cut it shorter than I want, they’re saving me money. Winners all around!

Unfortunately for me, I once had two good haircuts in a ROW from a girl who worked there briefly. Craziness! I left and thought, “hey I look nice” instead of, “hey I look like Jim Carrey from Dumb & Dumber.”  Bad haircut

Last week I was on my way to my usual hair cut place while talking to my sister on the phone. She helped convince me to head to a new place – for a good haircut! What an adventure! My ‘cheap’ criteria still had to be met so I just went to a different cheapskate place …

Much to my surprise, the haircut at this place was even worse. I have a weird bump on the back of my head which should be treated like a speed hump … the girl cutting my hair disagreed. In her mind pushing hard against my head with the clippers would round out my head in no time and make her future work easier (except I won’t be going back there).

I wanted to ask her if, in her mind, she and I had recently suffered from a bad break-up … because she really seemed angry.

Check out the lovely pictures I sent to my sister when I got home.

bad haircutbad haircut

< How do you have two ears SO different? >

 

 

 

 

 

For this one she told me my eyes made me look like a cartoon villain. I was going for a ‘shocked’ look.

bad haircut

I like to think it makes me look like I’m always at an angle. Head tilted questioningly.

Have no fear, dear reader, I fixed the ear problem with my razor. I’d say I’m looking pretty dapper.

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Weekly Wacko

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Dentists and Proctologists, the Dramady

Remember way back on Friday? My last post? If not, check it out, it’s pretty brainy stuff.

I mentioned the idea of a TV show. Now, feast your eyes on this potential award-winning, gripping dialogue.

Dentist (smarmy): Hey, can I ass you a question?
Proctologist (pained): Oh God, yes, I guess.
Dentist: What made you want to become a proctologist? Did you have a dog, and you thought, ‘wow, this dog is great – I want to be just like him!’ You know … shoving your nose in –
Proctologist (bored): I get the joke. Thanks for FILLING me in unnecessarily.
Dentist: Oh ha. Oh ha. Ha.
Proctologist: I guess if you had your way a hygienist would hear all my bad jokes, and you’d come in for 30 seconds and say, “yeah, ok, jokes were told, looks good.”
Dentist: Really? A ‘your hygienist does all the work’ joke? But wait … I guess you’re into shitty jokes.
Proctologist: Hey what’s the difference between a proctologist and a dentist?
Dentist: All right, I’ll bite … what?
Proctologist: Proctologists are straight A students … Dentists are average C students … so that’s why you do Canals and I do –
Dentist: Wow.
Proctologist: I just came up with that!
Dentist: I can tell.
Proctologist: All right. Good lunch. See you next week, Ted!
Dentist: All right, Larry. Say hi to the wife and kids!

 

Didn’t see THAT coming, HUH!? They’re friends, but also enemies. They can’t help respect how clever the other one is in all of their banter. You’d learn more about the back-story of how this came to be on the show, I can’t give EVERYTHING away!

Also, yes, that last joke is a bit much and I was really reaching but … it’s a Monday. What good is a Monday without a joke that makes you feel a little pained?

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Du Jour of the Week

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Dear Dentists (and Proctologists)

Today I went to the dentist (it was a successful visit). She was wearing a shirt that said, “I’d rather be a dentist than a proctologist.” I thought that was pretty clever.

And yet, dentistry has a high rate of suicide. How can that be? If you can’t handle the tooth, don’t read on.

No I’m just kidding, I have no insights – I just wanted to make that joke. Really, I’m wondering why proctology and dentistry aren’t swapped as far as suicide. Sure, halitosis is bad, but even if someone’s breath smells like ass that is LITERALLY what proctologists are dealing with.

Do proctologists have scented surgical masks? If so, why don’t they share the technological insight with dentists? Is there a secret dentist-proctologist battle going on? If so, can I please be a writer for a TV show about it?

Furthermore, I think it’s socially acceptable for smart people to talk to themselves while working. Think about it. If you’re watching a movie about some genius hacker, and while working by him or herself the person makes little jokes, “oh you’re downgrading the mainframe? Clever, but not clever enough!” no one thinks, “well, that’s a sign of insanity.” No! They think, “dang he must really be smart if he’s kinda nuts.”

When my dentist is looking at my teeth she says things out loud that are nominally for my benefit but since I have no idea what she’s seeing (or how she comes to the conclusions she’s come to) she’s really just talking to herself. “Oh, look at that … Ok, great … Hmm, slight crack.” Then, to the hygienist, “make a note to look at K9.”

Which brings me to my punchline. If other smart people are allowed to talk to themselves while at work, why not proctologists? Can you imagine a more stress-reducing thing than to have some patient you hate, in front of you in the most humiliating way, and then to say outloud, “ok, ass hole …”

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Du Jour of the Week

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