The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘engineer’

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

I was browsing through other blogs on WordPress based on tags I like and I found this. It’s a site, microhorror.com, and they’re having a 500 word limit horror-story contest. The theme is ‘space’ … not as in outer space, but as in ‘the physical dimension.’ I’m no good at horror stories, but I started to think – ‘what are scary situations involving space?’ This is what I came up with.

This is kind of a throw-away post. I’m going to have a new computer soon which I’m super jazzed about. Why? I’m going to get a slick video editing program and produce amazingly dumb videos. Even dumber than you’ve already seen – you didn’t know this was possible, did you?

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

It was a dream come true. All the hard work, all the effort, the schooling – It had, after all, been worth it.
He was an astronaut now.
He was taking his first space walk.
“Hey,” the astronaut stopped at the communication, “what’s with your helmet?”
The astronaut looked down to see something that seemed insignificant, a tiny bit of nothingness in the infinitude of space.
There was a small gap in the visor which kept it from closing all the way.

The three engineers who designed the helmet would be saddened and shamed if they knew what was happening – but at the moment they had their own problems.

One of the engineers behind the design of the astronaut’s helmet was having his own problems with space. He was on a date and quite nervous – the proverbial social skills-challenged brainiac.
The engineer was in the middle of a seemingly 15-point turn to successfully park.
“Just park away from other cars, I like walking,” the date said, trying to help.
“Oh … right …,” the engineer managed with a weak smile and a nervous chuckle.

The second engineer had just parked and run inside a gas station.
His bladder had run out of space.
What’s worse – so had the bathroom.
After his quick knocks an angry yell from inside rang out, “gimme a minute!”

The third engineer couldn’t have been happier.
He and his girlfriend were ‘taking the next step’ in their relationship.
He was a smart young man and of course used a condom. A condom that was designed, like the helmet, to not have any gaps.

The astronaut, full of panic and yet curious, said, “so much for that exploding head myth.”
While he chuckled and began looking to solve the problem at hand, his lungs ruptured.

The engineer on a date backed up to find a new spot, and hit a man.

The engineer in the gas station re-lived his worst day in second grade.

The engineer with his girlfriend became a father-to-be.

And some infinite being we can’t comprehend chuckled.

Weekly Wacko (40)

Tomorrow I leave for an engineering conference. Yikes.

Fotima, the girlfriend unit, and I were going to do a video idea I had for this – but when we tried it we just ended up making fun of each other and laughing. Here instead is the ‘script.’

sitting in chair in front of blank wall, it’s either fotima or me on chair

me: next week i’m going to be at a conference that is – ALL ENGINEERS –

fotima: (nerd voice) hey neat calculator!

me: i’m afraid as part of it my social skills may go down

fotima: (sighing, on the phone) ok, tell me the joke about the tertiary operator

me: fotima agreed to help me with a video where i’m going to predict a few things. say hi fotima.

fotima: hi.

me: so the first day i’ll be flying, and checking in at the airport – and dealing with friendly, smiling, customer service rep

people.

fotima: (smiling) please enjoy your flight/stay/meal/whatever mr. stanley!

me: then … it’s down to brass tacks. me and several hundred other engineers.

fotima: (while texting and eating) firefly was canceled WAY too early – and here’s my 14-point reason why, first …

me: (rubbing head like i’m stressed) so the first night we’re doing a big dinner

fotima: networking

me: where they’ll talk about teamwork,

fotima: networking

me: and leadership

fotima: networking

me: and the value of continuing your education

fotima: networking

me: it’ll be a pretty good speech. though it’s an engineering conference, so it’ll be a who’s who of people who suck at

fotima: networking

me: the next day, tuesday, we’ll be in classes all day. i’m sure i’ll learn some good stuff, and geek out a bit on things that should bore any normal person

fotima: (very excited) wait – what?! there’s a class about how to implement coding standards with legacy code!?!

me: that night we’ll socialize.

fotima: dude you have red dead? so do i, what’s your handle?

me: and then we’re onto wednesday. more classes. that day i’ll guess they’ll have a class on non-verbal cues. specially designed for our uniquely oblivious selves.

fotima: non-verbal cue? you mean like email?

me: that night will be a free night. i don’t have cable at my apartment – so i could see myself getting sucked into the shawshank redemption on TNT, or maybe an old keanu reaves movie on TBS. i don’t know. i’ll probably call fotima.

fotima: hi! how’s your day going!? … … … wow, you’re giving me a very methodical, detail-oriented answer. (fake crying)

me: then it’s thursday, which will go by slowly because i’ll probably be mentally worn out by that time.

fotima: (like talking to children) let’s go over this again class. when you walk down the hall, and someone smiles and says hello – you say hello back.

me: that night a group of fellow nerds and i may do something zany like go to a TGI Friday’s.

fotima: shouldn’t they be closed? it IS thursday!

me: there will be very bad jokes. i’ll probably be the one to tell half of them.

fotima (on cell): he said you should go to TGI fridays? uh-huh. and then you said it’s thursday though. uh-huh. yes, that’s very funny.

me: at last! friday! the end of the conference! for all my whining i will actually have enjoyed it, but i’ll be happy to be heading home.

fotima: he’s been watching dexter. he’ll have gone into dexter-withdrawals.

me: wish me luck folks! here’s hoping i won’t tell any jokes that are received with blank stares and awkward silences!

fin!

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