The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘date’

A Swell Dinner, and Nuclear Powered Ramjets

Project Pluto was a United States government program to develop nuclear powered ramjet engines for use in cruise missiles. Two experimental engines were tested at the United States Department of Energy Nevada Test Site (NTS) in 1961 and 1964.

– Source.

On May 14, 1961, the first prototype nuclear ramjet, “Tory-IIA,” was test fired. In case things went awry, the Livermore scientists and engineers working on Project Pluto watched the test from miles away with ready access to a fallout shelter stocked with two weeks’ worth of food and water. – Source.

(A young couple is finishing dinner.)

Fella: Boy, that was tasty!

Gal: Sure was! And it’s hard to beat the company, too!

Fella: Aw shucks! You said it, but I was thinking it!

Gal: I sure hope you’re thinking of another night out, too!

Fella: (His happy look fades, a look of fear takes over) Of course!

Gal: …What’s wrong?

Fella: No, nothing. Nothing. It’s just … work is going to be … pretty intense.

Gal: (Raises eyebrows.)

Fella: Really! I would love to take you out for dinner tomorrow night, or the night after, or the night after that, it’s just I *might* have to work nights the next two weeks. And days. And you should leave town just in case.

Gal: …Are you not really single?

Fella: Of course I’m single! I just … listen, you know how I’m an engineer and –

Gal: You’ve never fully explained what you do.

Fella: (Mumbles) Yeah, the government would love me explaining what I do.

Gal: What was that?

Fella: What? Oh, you know, I do math for the government. Checking numbers. That’s all. It’s boring. Speaking of boring … this town, huh? You should take a vacation! It doesn’t need to be two weeks, even. Just leave before this weekend, and uh … watch the news.

Gal: I don’t like this date nearly so much anymore.

Fella: (Breathes deeply) I care about you. Like, a lot. And sometimes I feel like my heart is a nuclear reactor attached to a missile and I could just explode due to a small mathematical error that, really, anyone could make, and I am afraid you’ll get caught up in it … Maybe if you leave town for a day, or so, you could see if you would be able to handle my intense emotions.

Gal: Aw. That’s weird. Are you saying you’re just Russian into this? (She laughs.)

Fella: (To the reader) That joke is an anachronism. The missile was being developed largely because of the USSR, not Russia. But that is really hard to use USSR to make a dumb play on words joke. Maybe if this was instead about a former pirate captain who joined the Navy, something about USS Argggh. I don’t know. See? It’s tough.

Gal: Come on, let’s go to get some ice cream!

Fella: Ok! And we can check out what kind of refrigeration units they have in case you ever want to hide in one!

Soda fountain and booths, Earnshaw Drug Co., East Greenwich, R.I (78831).jpg
By “Tichnor Quality Views”, Reg,U.S.Pat.Off., Made Only by Tichnor Bros., Inc., Boston, Mass. – Boston Public Library Tichnor Brothers collection #78831, Public Domain, Link

 

Is She the One?

I saw her across the room and before I knew it I was walking toward her. I didn’t know what to say so I decided to start with a lie.

“Hi, your sandwich might be poisoned.”

She politely informed me she had no sandwich nearby. I politely informed her, looking down and to the right, that I may be too late. Then I looked at her and said in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way, my God, you can’t keep your eyes off me. She stared disappointedly.

I asked her if I was coming on a little strong and she said you lack the muscle tone for that. I thought, wow, this is the one, and then she almost ruined the mood by saying quit staring at my chest. I asked if she wanted to play truth or dare, she told me I looked a lot better when my mouth was closed. I took the hint and started doing some spontaneous interpretive dancing.

Oh, look out ladies, I seemed to be saying with my hips, I’m available and I may be too much to handle. She didn’t seem to be getting this so I asked for her number to text her what my interpretive dance was saying.

She said she didn’t give her number out to dancers, not after that incident with Jean. I said it’s pronounced jean, as in the clothing item, and her lack of worldliness is probably what ended things. She said a pair of flannel sweatpants would probably get further with her than I ever would. I told her that’s incorrect, they would definitely get further than I ever would.

I stormed off making thunder noises, and doing jazz hands while yelling the word lightning. I hurried back quietly and informed her that I had stormed off, get it, and was she sad about it. She said a gale force wind was coming in, then she wound up and got a little spittle on my face as she treated my face like a birthday cake with too many candles. It was my turn to be disgusted. She whispered, my name is Gale, get it.

This is going to be an interesting first date.

Questions NOT to Ask Before a First Date

“Do you have, like, a really good sense of smell?”

“How much do you worry about safety?”

“Do you talk with your friends a lot? Family? Basically, I’m just curious who knows about this date … Does anyone know that we’re going to meet up?”

“If you went on a first date with a guy and it went awesome, everything clicked, there was attraction … all that stuff!, but then it turns out he was married – would that bother you?”

“Do you like guys with cats?” (Have I talked about this already, maybe …)

“Hit and run is such a vague thing … like, seriously, answer me, what constitutes a ‘hit’?”

“Are you wearing your pink coat?, because I don’t really like that one.”

Attn: Ellen (10/24/12)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres cats

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard cats

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I have this new tactic for dating which is pretty bold, but I think it’s a good way to quickly determine who is crazy.

I do something really weird, like bring a postcard like this and say, “I saw this and thought of you … maybe … us?” And then if the girl wants to leave right away or cut the date short I know she’s a keeper.

I’m still working out the kinks, but I’m optimistic.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Celebrity Comparison

Recently I went on a date. It went ok. (Except for the incredibly awkward ending where her ex came in with the girl he left her for – and they’d apparently gone on a date at that SAME PLACE just ONE month ago – and she ended up saying an awkward hello to him … yep.)

Something (else) funny happened on the date, though.

I went to the restroom (I have the bladder of a pregnant woman) and came back to the table. When I sat down she greeted me with a question along these lines,

“Have you ever been compared to a celebrity?”

Oh no. My brain immediately goes to oh no when someone brings this up.

“Um … why do you ask?” I say, probably showing amusement and concern on my opposite-of-poker-face.
“Who have you been compared to?”
“I don’t want to say … it might sway it …”
“Michael Cera.”

Yep. Michael Cera. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s awesome. I’m a huge fan of Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim. He is one funny dude. But, I think a lot of the humor from him comes from the fact that he’s so awkward. Also, although it’s weird to say this about another fella, I think he’s charming because he’s so disarming. So, I usually take this as a mixed bag compliment. But, really, I have gotten the comparison a number of times. And on dates, too.

There I am, trying to be funny and charming and cool, and they say, “ok, Cera.”

BUT! This time I got some good advice from The Storyteller:

“Start coming up with an immediate funny comparison comeback that leaves her thinking hey he really is a witty, funny guy and humble too.”

That is much better than my usual response of shrugging and saying, “yeah … ok.”

So if there’s a girl out there who likes the awkward charm of a three-legged puppy – give me a call some time.

Diary of a Mad Dater

I have made some mistakes in my life. It just so happens that a number of them happen on first dates.

Example 1

I am walking the girl to her car and she opens her purse to get her car keys. It’s a tiny purse, more like a wallet really, and a bunch of cash is in there.

Me: “Oh you going to pay me?”
Her: (confused look, you know, because who says that, but she’s pretty quick so she says) “Pay you for what?”

That’s when … yep, that’s when I shimmied.

Example 2

I told the Rachel Ray story. You know, where I got drunk and yelled, “Rachel Ray you’re an ass hole!”

In retrospect, this is not good “first-date material.”

Example 3

Me: “Yeah, I just find racist jokes kinda funny.”

Then I rambled on for a few minutes trying to prove how I’m not racist, probably solidifying her opinion of me as being a racist.

Example 4

I was talking about hanging out with friends who speak Spanish, and I don’t. I said that one night while hanging out with them I went ahead and translated their conversation, out loud, in front of them.

Me: “So one guy would say something and then I’d say, ‘oh your cat, his name is Whiskers, and he is your absolute favorite.’ And then the girl talked and I said, ‘oh but Whiskers, what an adorable name! In my country my cat’s name is Boots.’ … It’s pretty dumb that I do that, but it keeps me entertained.”

I don’t know if my date said this right away, or if it came later, but she compared me to Charlie Day, from It’s Always Sunny. Good date!

The translations thing, when that happened, was also funny because the Spanish-speaking folks just tuned me out. That was a pretty smart move on their part.

Example 5

Her: “Ugh. And people with blogs.”
Me: (Silence. Probably a grin.)

My Zombie Roomy (8/25/11)

The Zombie came home today with this sneaky little grin on his face that was … ok fine I’ll say it – it was adorable. It feels weird to say that about a guy, let alone an undead guy, but it’s the truth.

Anyhow – he was carrying a bag from Target, sort of swinging it around happily like you can’t help but do sometimes when you’ve got a bag from a candy shop.

I pointed to the bag and said, “mind if I …” and he got the picture. He held the bag out, opened it up, and I glanced in.

It was at this point that I remembered my roommate is not a normal, boyish fellow with a bag but a Zombie (with a bag).

Thankfully, the contents were not Zombie snacks, though they were weird:

  • Pack of D Batteries
  • Sunglasses
  • A box of condoms

I have nothing to support this but I think the Zombie had a date tonight!!

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