The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘ex-girlfriend’

Happy Birthday to … Mom

October is a big birthday month in my family. I decided to do a little post for some of the birthday boys and girls I know.

After college graduation I moved to California. I kept in touch with my then ex-girlfriend. We had broken up because of the move, so we were in a weird ‘what is this’ state.

I’ll get to the mom element of this, I promise, it’ll just take a second.

One day  [I’m skipping the sob story version of this] things between the ex and I ended. Wah wah wah. They ended in a way I hadn’t expected. I was in the library parking lot, about to go in the library to check emails and hang out (it’s a really nice library).

After getting off the phone with my ex (who I had yelled at a bit – sorry about that …) I decided to call my sister to say, “well, [ex] and I won’t be talking any more.” I got a hold of E$, who said, “hey!” then I said, “hey” … and then, ruh roh, a bag full of emotions came pouring out of me.

I made some sort of animal being tortured noise, she guessed, “is it [ex]?” and I replied, “gotta go.”

I ended up talking to my ex one or two more times that day (ending on a way too civil weird note), and my sister. The next day I talked to my mom briefly, who happened to be out shopping with my sister the day before when I’d called.

The reason for this story is the line my mom said to me. We talked for a bit about this and that and then she said,

“We don’t have to talk about [ex] but I just want you to know if I ever see her I will murder her with an axe.”

Fantastic, right? I liked that not only was my mom looking out for me, but she was looking out for me with a very specific (and gruesome) weapon of choice.

Happy bday to my warrior mom!

The Internet is Full of Awesome:

1) Based on your personality, if you were an animal, what animal would you be?

What do you mean if I were an animal? Corrupt CAMEL. Hello? McFly?

2) Everyone else has a super power but you – What super power does everyone else have?*

Even a baby has a super power? Can you imagine the power of that babe?
What babe?
The babe of the power.
What power?
The power of voodoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind of the babe.

[Editor’s Note: The movie Labyrinth freaks me out, but I am impressed/creeped out that a reference to it was at the tip of CorruptCamel’s tongue so this is my way of respecting his answer while not scaring myself.]

3) Why do you blog?

To remind me of the babe.

On a serious note, and because I can only keep a good David Bowie/Labyrinth joke up for so long, I blog because I like to write, I like to tell bad jokes, and I like to do the opposite of what you do with STDs, and share these things with people.

I believe it’s important to have a creative outlet to keep sane. Everyone needs a way to express themselves. Just ask Madonna. It’s also a lot of fun (or disappointing) seeing how many (or how few) people care about a given subject.

4) You’re at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, and security has stopped you. It looks like you may be getting a strip search. Why?

Because I told security I have various narcotics shoved up my rectum. Truth is, there are only a couple of GI Joes up there, but when you have the opportunity to have the gentle gloved hands of Javier AND Beatrice poke around your nether regions, you don’t pass it up.

5) What is your proudest blog-related moment?

You mean, besides this moment?

Probably when the website started to take off a bit. I think most bloggers have visions their site is going to be overflowing with fans from the get-go, but the reality is that there are millions of blogs out there, so if you’re not advertising or offering giveaways (which I don’t), finding an audience is tough. It’s also tough when you don’t have a niche and my website is as random as they come.

I think the internet is swarming with the debris of leftover blogs that were started, abandoned and left to rot. isn’t overflowing with traffic, but I get enough to keep me motivated and the numbers are continually growing.

6) What opposite-sex-of-you celebrity would you want to play you in the movie-version of your life?

If she were still alive, Bea Arthur. She’s tall, strong and sexy as hell.

7) Your blog has hit it big – a million hits came in yesterday. Just as many are expected tomorrow what do you post for tomorrow?

Nude pictures of my ex-girlfriend. Finally, a large enough audience to provide the appropriate level of humiliation…Of course, I’m kidding. I’d actually post an exclusive interview with the hilarious and fantastic Brad Stanley.

*My work buddy L came up with this awesome questions. Though he’s never seen this blog.

Big thanks to CorruptCamel for answering the questions – be sure to check out his fantastico blog here.

And look for another interview next (month? I don’t know) with …TBD! (Oooh, cliff hanger!)

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