The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘gi joe’

Happy (Belated) Mother’s Day!

Hello to all you mothers out there! I hope you had a lovely day, and that you will have a fantastic rest of the year.

For those mothers who went into motherhood knowing what to expect as far as how crazy little kids are … you’re nuts. For those mothers who went into motherhood somewhat blind and have been trying to recover while raising a good family, kudos.

When I was very little I was crazy about GI Joes (they’re still really cool). GI Joes themselves were obviously cool. The cartoon I watched about GI Joes was cool. Even commercials for GI Joes were cool! My brother’s GI Joe comic books? I never read them, but had I done that, undoubtedly cool.

It’s no surprise, then, that I wanted to create a cool atmosphere for playing with the GI Joes.

In some toy commercials the toys are shown outside in swampy areas, or in a lake, or in some woods. Well, what if you can’t play outside at that moment? You bring the woods and lake inside, DUH!

My mom, when she discovered the mess I had deliberately made, was not on board with the idea. She probably was a bit confused.

So, let’s hear it for the moms, who may sometimes think they are surrounded by tricksters … but really, we’re just goons. Calvin, take it away.

What’s the Deal with Traffic?

Today I was driving and, oh man, you’ll laugh, guess what happened!? I got STUCK … in traffic!

Zounds! Am I right?

Here’s where it gets crazy though. I had a somewhat terrible thought. I’ve noticed that I’ve had this thought in the past and I didn’t think much about it, but today it really struck me.

Painting the Picture

I’m driving along, la la la, happy times. Then the red lights of anger come on in front of me and the folks on the road go from about 65 mph to 20ish mph. Then we alternate between stopped and going a few miles per hour.

Classic traffic scenario. We’ve all been there. But wait, there’s more.

Eventually the pace picks up some and we’re cruising along consistently at about 15 to 20 mph.

Some time after that I notice a car pulled over on the shoulder. Aha! The redeeming grace of traffic jams (be sure to pack your peanut butter and bread folks, there’s a TRAFFIC JAM out there! ah ha ha ha!) – the curiosity would now be satisfied. There is no faster mystery story you can find. Traffic jam, I beseech you, reveal your cause!

It’s … This car is just … It has it’s blinkers on and it’s just pulled over. Maybe a flat or something, I don’t know, but it looks fine. And traffic is picking up and we’re … We’re out of it.

Seriously? That’s IT!?

THAT’S what caused all this delay?! REALLY?


What’s the concern? What was the bad thought?

All that … For a stinking van on the side of the road? I mean, come on! At least have a small fire coming from under the hood or something! Maybe someone running out of the car, ON FIRE … That’d be cool.

Let me be clear – I don’t want anyone to have been hurt. I want it to be like an old episode of the GI Joes. Just watch the intro to GI Joes and you’ll see what I mean.

Look at that, so many bullets fired, tanks, helicopters, you name it, all coming at each other … And not a single person hurt. Maybe some scraped knees from people bailing out of an exploding tank (that’s some trick). If there’s bad traffic, I want the cause to be some GI Joe-esque fight scene. Except, you know, don’t hold up traffic too much.

The last thing we need is an unruly Roadblock …

HEYO!! (Psst, non-GI Joe people, Roadblock is a GI Joe. And he’s got something important to tell you.)

Holy crap, what a frightening PSA.

The Internet is Full of Awesome:

1) Based on your personality, if you were an animal, what animal would you be?

What do you mean if I were an animal? Corrupt CAMEL. Hello? McFly?

2) Everyone else has a super power but you – What super power does everyone else have?*

Even a baby has a super power? Can you imagine the power of that babe?
What babe?
The babe of the power.
What power?
The power of voodoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind of the babe.

[Editor’s Note: The movie Labyrinth freaks me out, but I am impressed/creeped out that a reference to it was at the tip of CorruptCamel’s tongue so this is my way of respecting his answer while not scaring myself.]

3) Why do you blog?

To remind me of the babe.

On a serious note, and because I can only keep a good David Bowie/Labyrinth joke up for so long, I blog because I like to write, I like to tell bad jokes, and I like to do the opposite of what you do with STDs, and share these things with people.

I believe it’s important to have a creative outlet to keep sane. Everyone needs a way to express themselves. Just ask Madonna. It’s also a lot of fun (or disappointing) seeing how many (or how few) people care about a given subject.

4) You’re at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, and security has stopped you. It looks like you may be getting a strip search. Why?

Because I told security I have various narcotics shoved up my rectum. Truth is, there are only a couple of GI Joes up there, but when you have the opportunity to have the gentle gloved hands of Javier AND Beatrice poke around your nether regions, you don’t pass it up.

5) What is your proudest blog-related moment?

You mean, besides this moment?

Probably when the website started to take off a bit. I think most bloggers have visions their site is going to be overflowing with fans from the get-go, but the reality is that there are millions of blogs out there, so if you’re not advertising or offering giveaways (which I don’t), finding an audience is tough. It’s also tough when you don’t have a niche and my website is as random as they come.

I think the internet is swarming with the debris of leftover blogs that were started, abandoned and left to rot. isn’t overflowing with traffic, but I get enough to keep me motivated and the numbers are continually growing.

6) What opposite-sex-of-you celebrity would you want to play you in the movie-version of your life?

If she were still alive, Bea Arthur. She’s tall, strong and sexy as hell.

7) Your blog has hit it big – a million hits came in yesterday. Just as many are expected tomorrow what do you post for tomorrow?

Nude pictures of my ex-girlfriend. Finally, a large enough audience to provide the appropriate level of humiliation…Of course, I’m kidding. I’d actually post an exclusive interview with the hilarious and fantastic Brad Stanley.

*My work buddy L came up with this awesome questions. Though he’s never seen this blog.

Big thanks to CorruptCamel for answering the questions – be sure to check out his fantastico blog here.

And look for another interview next (month? I don’t know) with …TBD! (Oooh, cliff hanger!)

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