The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘german’

8% Fluent

According to Duolingo, as of tonight, I am 8% fluent in German. I don’t know who I could communicate with my 8% fluency but I think it would have to be someone who has been hit by a truck several times.

I could maybe keep up with a 16 month old. Would you consider yourself 8% fluent in the English language at the ripe age of 1 and 1/4 years old?

Ich bin eine banane. Did you know that means I am a banana? I can tell people these kinds of things with my 8%.

“Hallo.”

“Hallo!”

“Du ist eine kartoffel?”

“Nein, bitte! Ich bin ein mann!”

Here we see one of any number of classic German conversations I might have. Someone greets me, I greet them in return, they ask if I am a potato, and in turn I inform them that I am actually a man.

What if I need to find a bathroom in Germany? No clue. But I can point to a glass of hot chocolate and say, “HeibBe schokolade, bitta! Mmmm, es ist lecker!” (This is tasty!)

Also that B should be … well, a different B. It’s called Eszett. Did duolingo teach me that? Of course not, I know “8%.”

I wish I could be confused as this guy, you need 80%+ understanding before idioms can even make sense enough to baffle you.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Animal Facts! (Horse, Otter, Long-Spined Sea Urchin, Mandrill Monkey)

Horse

Can’t see the spice ‘dill weed’ without giggling. (What a total dill weed.)

Does a great impression of someone doing a terrible impression of a German accent. Not really, but it’s better to think that’s what he’s doing.

Ewwwwwww! … Oh, ohhhh! Ha. Oh I get it … Still, ew.

Bicycles, unicycles, recycles – you name it, he cycles it.

Regrets to inform you that he is FRESH TO DEATH!

Otter

When he’s in a fight with his girlfriend he talks to a pretend audience, saying, “oh sure, who needs fluid transitions? Change scene as you please.”

Is not platform independent.

Doesn’t know which he has more of: attraction to Burt Reynolds, or fear over his attraction to Burt Reynolds.

Every once and a while says something so poignant and so brilliant – but then you realize you’re just drunk.

Wouldn’t pick Lebron James.

Long-Spined Sea Urchin

Counting down the minutes until the next hour begins.

FOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Glasses? Check. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Pants? … Of course not.

Loves discovering great, unheard of indie romantic comedies. Also happens to hate 99% of the movies he watches.

Notices you noticing him noticing you.

Mandrill Monkey

Finds you incredibly attractive.

Like a fine wine, gets better with age. Unlike a fine wine, hated by old white people.

Funky. Fresh. Dressed. And ready to party.

When he’s bored he kills time by picturing famous people saying, with dramatic flair, “up your butt and around the corner.”

Refuses to drink Aquafina bottled water – you call that bottled water? He calls it bottled spit. Puh-lease!

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Animal Facts

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