The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘angry’

Other Things God Tried Before the Silent Treatment

God, who is currently undergoing the longest known example of ‘the silent treatment,’ tried other things to get humanity’s attention first:

  • Calling, but hanging up before humanity could answer, then waiting for humanity to call back
  • Saying ‘what?’ and then when humanity responds ‘…what’, God says with annoyance, ‘oh, I thought you said something’ and then there’s a silence that’s even heavier than what it was before the exchange
  • Sighing really loudly while deliberately not looking at humanity
  • Having one of God’s friends call humanity and say, ‘hey what’s your deal? Why are you being so rude to God?’
  • Being super sweet to humanity and then when humanity does the slightest thing wrong getting even angrier

Attn: Ellen (2/6/13)


Ellen DeGeneres Star Wars

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Star Wars

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Can you blame him? Can you really blame Yoda for being so angry? The “smallest hands”? Come on. It’s Star Wars! There are bound to be smaller hands! Or maybe it’s the fate thing. Or maybe indigestion. I don’t know.

I’m just spit balling here.


Why am I doing this?

De Jour of the Week (3/7/10)


An Ode to the Guy Who Just Cut Me Off/Tried to Kill Me

Some people are pretty nice
Some people are just pretty (aw, now that’s not nice …)

And then there’s you.

Oh, you with the car that goes so fast
You who look trampy and slutty and fast

What? I can’t judge you?
I can’t assume everything bad about you?

Gee, that soda was meant to end up on me
Those were empty calories that would’ve fattened me

I’m calming, I’m calming, you’re just an oblivious, bad driver
If you can consider someone who weeves through traffic like a needle through thread a driver

Is there a race going on in your mind?
Or are you just out of your mind?

And – wait – did you just give me a thanks wave?
I know a sarcastic thanks wave when I see a sarcastic thanks wave.

Oh, if I wasn’t! –
But I’m nice and have good values (But … If … I … Wasn’t …)

Whoops I pictured your tires all popping at once
And I have a feeling I’ll picture that more than once

Because now we’re bumper to bumper
And I wonder if my bumper is stronger than your bumper

What? I’m innocent, I’m decent, I’m sweet as sugar
Yes, I’m sugar, I’m full of rage and annoyance and anger and … sugar

Ok! Stop it! Think positive thoughts
Ah, it’s so … rainy outside and … it’s a Monday … and … where are my positive thoughts?

Phew, traffic is picking up now a bit
And I see an exit for an in-n-out so I’m chomping at the bit

Life is good, life is grand, life couldn’t be better
Well if dumbo here sneezed so hard he head butted his steering wheel life would maaaaybe be a bit better

No, no, that’s not right – as the traffic flows, my anger goes
Goodbye anger, goodbye moron, weaving through traffic he again goes …

But enough! Good luck fellow drivers! And even good luck dummy
Yes, I’m serious, I’ve forgiven the dummy

What a guy I am, what a saint
Though I guess thoughts of a double cheeseburger, fries and a shake can make anyone a saint

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