The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘home-alone’

Update on the Home Front

With the wife being out of town, the normal routine has been disturbed. But no matter, I can roll with the flow look few can. Here, let me share some updates!

  • I live three doors down from a cop. I have been loitering outside by his car touching his car. So far nothing has come of this. But that’s probably for the best, because I’ve yet to establish a joke to go along with this setup.
  • Given: your wife has a couple plants she is desperately trying to get to the point where they are full-fledged grown-up plants and Given: your wife has named these plants names like “Carlos” and “Grumpus” … How annoyed will you be when you stage fake picture pictures of a murder-suicide using Carlos and Grumpus? Answer forthcoming.
  • Recently a neighbor kid came by the kitchen window in the backyard and scared the crap out of me. With the house to myself I have taken to rolling my shorts up so that it looks like a diaper (it’s simple to do with running shorts, just pull up on the sides and tuck them in). Come on by neighbor kid, let’s see who’s scared now.
  • Did you know cartoons are still enjoyable? Did you know working, then coming home and watching four hours of cartoons until it’s time for bed three days in a row is less enjoyable? Because I’M WELL AWARE.

Wish the wife luck folks, she gets back soon.

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Are you an attractive woman home-alone? Here’s how to act!

“Bye husband!”

Oh, it’s so weird being home alone!

I feel like I haven’t been left home alone in the longest time … and not once since we moved to this country estate!

I just love it out here!

All the trees coming up to, practically, our back door.

It’s such a bummer my husband’s flight had to leave at midnight. I don’t know why he wouldn’t let me drive him to the airport.

I feel so … lonely … gosh!

This is so weird.

Maybe if I go put on a tank top and some booty shorts?

No!

I should take a shower first!

Hmm … No, I’ll watch TV.

Oooh!

One of those shows about wanted criminals being on the loose! Did he just say the same very small town that I live in is where – hey! Friends is on too!

Wow!

I’ve never realized how, at night, with all the windows in this family room, and the woods coming all the way up to the back of our house … I’ve never realized you can’t really see the moon!

How depressing!

Whatever!

Did something just move out there?

Why am I still not wearing booty shorts?

That sounded like something scraping at the door?

No – probably just Joey from Friends! He’s so funny!

I should turn the TV on extra loud … I don’t know why … Then go take a shower.

OK!

Volume … UP!

Great!

Did I lock the front door after my dearest husband left?

Hmm … Probably so, no sense in double checking.

It’s so nice living out here in the middle of nowhere! I mean, my husband and I are each in our young twenties and fantastically good looking – me particularly when I wear booty shorts.

Hey ….

Oh my gosh!

Wouldn’t that …

Oh! Yes! I will leave the bathroom door slightly cracked! That will be so exciting! I’ve never done that when I’ve showered before!

OK!

Water’s on …

Nice and hot water – good. Make sure the bathroom window is extra steamy so I won’t be able to see a thing!

There was that scraping noise again at the door!

That Joey!

The water feels so nice!

I feel completely vulnerable now!

How neat!

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