The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

The Loneliest Clone

I am a genetic experiment gone awry
But more than that – I think I’m a pretty nice guy

Just take a chance on me
Take a chance, and you’ll see!

If you could look past my rough exterior
To my superior interior

I think it’d be plain to see
I’m someone you’d like at your next party

The scientist admitted he was drunk when he made me
My fourth arm, for example, appears somehow racist and hazy

I’m a great listener despite having only one ear
But, may I just say, I don’t just listen, I hear

Tell me your stories, your jokes, your woes
I’ll be your devoted audience in smell-proof clothes

A good clone is idempotent
I have claws, fangs, fur, and I’m impotent

That said, a party would be better with my wit
On my search for friends, I’ll never quit

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop

Hi I’m Wacky Eddie and I want YOU to come check out my One-Stop Medical Shop! Look us up anywhere and you’ll see we’re the option you’ve been looking for!

You won’t find anything BUT positive reviews on YouTube, Facebook, Yelp, Tindr, Twitter, and SnapChat. Everyone loves us – and YOU WILL TOO!

Do you need your teeth cleaned? Do you need a regular check up? Do you need your eyes checked? Come to Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop and you can get all of that taken care of in one efficient and quick visit!

Word of mouth is also a great way to hear about how great we are and I’m using my mouth right now to tell you – we’re great!

Do you need your dog to get some new medications or shots? Do you want your cat freeze-dried in a pose that’ll make you cherish your dearly beloved and deceased friend forever? Do you want to be artificially inseminated or fill out some adoption papers? Why not do all of those things in the course of ONE HOUR! That’s right, the one hour lonely hearts special to get your living pets taken care of, your dead pets freeze-dried, and you to be on your way to having a kid? Do it all in ONE HOUR!

Come to Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop and with a visit of any duration we’ll put your name in the lottery to have your body frozen after you die in case science discovers a way to bring you back to life!

Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop – you’d be wacky NOT to see us!!

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Trumpisms

Donald Trump, 41 days into his presidency, announced in a speech that he has heard the phrase “standing on the shoulders of giants” and he “always found that to be baloney. Other people might have to stand on others shoulders, but some people, like me, are great enough that they can just leapfrog over those giants.”

Following are a list of quotes from Trump. We can only assume that these are him “leapfrogging” over famous quotes from some of our nations past presidents.

“And so I said Mr. Xi Jinping [Chinese president], tear down that wall! I’ll build you a bigger, nicer, better, more likely to keep out the riff raff wall.”

“We choose to go to the moon! We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because it is … I mean think about it, it’s prime real estate.”

“The only thing we have to fear … is a two term limit. You really want some loser in here after you’ve gotten used to me? That’d be like going from caviar to some sort of loser-paste.”

“There is nothing wrong in America that can’t be fixed with what is right in America. And what is right in America is currently in a 12,000 dollar suit staring right at the camera telling you we should be embarrassed that the White House is so tiny. Here’s what I propose …” (And thus followed Trump’s famous speech that many thought was an homage to The Jerk, but no, he’s just that nuts.)

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with: