The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘doctor’

Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop

Hi I’m Wacky Eddie and I want YOU to come check out my One-Stop Medical Shop! Look us up anywhere and you’ll see we’re the option you’ve been looking for!

You won’t find anything BUT positive reviews on YouTube, Facebook, Yelp, Tindr, Twitter, and SnapChat. Everyone loves us – and YOU WILL TOO!

Do you need your teeth cleaned? Do you need a regular check up? Do you need your eyes checked? Come to Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop and you can get all of that taken care of in one efficient and quick visit!

Word of mouth is also a great way to hear about how great we are and I’m using my mouth right now to tell you – we’re great!

Do you need your dog to get some new medications or shots? Do you want your cat freeze-dried in a pose that’ll make you cherish your dearly beloved and deceased friend forever? Do you want to be artificially inseminated or fill out some adoption papers? Why not do all of those things in the course of ONE HOUR! That’s right, the one hour lonely hearts special to get your living pets taken care of, your dead pets freeze-dried, and you to be on your way to having a kid? Do it all in ONE HOUR!

Come to Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop and with a visit of any duration we’ll put your name in the lottery to have your body frozen after you die in case science discovers a way to bring you back to life!

Wacky Eddie’s One-Stop Medical Shop – you’d be wacky NOT to see us!!

Doctor’s Last Day

Nurse: Doctor! He’s waking up from his coma!
Patient: …Huh? Wha?
Doctor: Young man, welcome back.
Patient: Uh … What?
Doctor: You were in a coma. For two. Hundred. Years.
Patient: WHAT!?
Doctor: Nah, just kidding, like 3 weeks.


As we all know, the Hippocratic oath is designed to keep doctors from being a-holes, and instead having them focus on helping us. Also their medical training is part of that purpose too. But don’t you think, on their last day of work, all doctors would like to have a little fun?


Doctor: Now, what brings you here today Miss Johnson?
Patient: It hurts right here. Like when I push.
Doctor: Ok, let me see. Does this hurt?
Patient: No.
Doctor: This?
Patient: No.
Doctor: This? Oh … wait, hmmm.
Patient: What?
Doctor: This is … interesting. Have you ever had a kidney stone?
Patient: No? I don’t think so?
Doctor: This is … incredible. You have had so many kidney stones that … It feels … Yes, it feels as though they’ve grown together into one giant thing, essentially giving you another bone.
Doctor: Eh, probably not. You’ve just got rock hard abs, buddy.


Of the countless well-regarded doctors who read my blog for information both professional and personal, do you have any stories that are just like this? Please leave them in the comments!


Doctor: How are you enjoying those pancakes?
Patient: … Uh … You mean … This soup?
Doctor: … Nurse?
Nurse: Yes doctor?
Doctor: (Whispers)
Patient: … What’s going on? This … is … soup.
Doctor: (Heavy sigh.)

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today? It’s time again for … “I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …”

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!


Question One

I drink a ton of Mountain Dew, so, like, since that kills sperm count do I even need to wear a condom?

Nope! And even better news, you can spend that money you would’ve used on condoms to buy MORE Mountain Dew to ensure that those pesky sperm are really super duper dead.


Question Two

I’m going to be traveling soon and it says I should get a malaria vaccination if I can’t avoid mosquito bites. That seems pretty impossible. Or is there some secret I don’t know?

There are probably a lot of secrets you don’t know, but for now we’ll focus on the mosquito issue because that’s easier to answer.

There are a lot of great options out there when it comes to avoiding mosquito bites. Personally, I like to travel wrapped in a series of trash bags, completing the outfit with a long sleeve shirt and gloves, and a bee keepers helmet. One time cost of a bee keeper helmet vs one malaria shot every few years? Seems like a pretty simple decision to me.

(From the CDC’s site about Colombia, it says “When traveling in Colombia, you should avoid mosquito bites to prevent malaria.”)


Question Three

A co-worker told me at a meeting that he wants to talk to me about STDs. What should I do?

First of all, I hope you are looking seriously at what you are including when you are coding. If you don’t need everything within the C++ Standard Library then you could consider specifying those things which you do need. For example, std::cout rather than including the catchall “using namespace std” which would then allow you to just have “cout.”

Also, as we all know, be sure to wear protection and have serious medical talks with your partner(s) before writing code or having sex.


For more of my expert medical advice, check part I!

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