The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Larry

I was shocked when the aliens came.

I was flabbergasted when they said they were going to destroy all human life on Earth.

And I was just plain pissed off when they said, “except Larry.”

Larry? Really aliens? Ok, sure, you’re hyper intelligent and each of you knows more than all of us combined and you’re smart enough to travel all the way to us and destroy all of us but … why Larry?

He’s such a jerk! You know I went out to lunch with him last week and when the bill came it was 19 dollars and some change and he left a twenty and that’s it! Hiya Larry, heard of tipping? You jerk.

You might wonder why I was out to lunch with Larry but it’s a work-politics thing and I don’t want to get into it. (And I’ll admit that I kind of enjoy whining about Larry – yes, I’m the guy that started asking the question, “was Larry’s dad a dentist, and his mom an enema?”)

In case you’re wondering his dad really is a dentist, and as far as I know his mother is not actually an enema.

Anyhow aliens, this is ticking me off. What will Larry do with the planet all to himself? I’ll tell you what he’ll do – he’ll continue walking around the office talking to himself about how he doesn’t have enough memory on his computer.

I can see it now. Four years after humanity is gone … He’ll be spending Saturday night the way he does now. Walking around Target, looking at CDs but not getting any of them because he doesn’t agree with the philosophy of the artist. Then he’ll head home to make soup and re-watch that one episode of Firefly with the hot red head.

Listen aliens – it’s great that you said you were going to give us seven years to clean up our acts and prove that we deserve to live on this planet. We appreciate it. But what does that mean? Does that mean we all need to live like Larry? Because there’s a mob from work forming and … ha! I can’t believe it! Dave’s got a pitchfork. Classic Dave. Anyhow there’s this mob forming and I don’t think Larry’s going to last seven years.

Any answers or tips or something would really be appreciated. Or hey, maybe if you rescind your threat or just – I know this is bad but – if you just changed it to destroying ALL humanity.

Spare Larry? I don’t think so.

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Du Jour of the Week

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My Zombie Roomy (4/15/11)

Last year I went to this work conference thing and during this one ‘session’ a girl talked about what she calls ‘the zombie shuffle.’ This is often seen by senior engineers, or engineers of any kind I guess. It’s because us engineer-types tend to not be as social, and sometimes we walk while thinking so we just sort of stare and don’t pay attention to people around us.

Anyway, the girl’s name for this – ‘the zombie shuffle’ – was, let’s call it: ‘corporate cute.’

I remembered this yesterday at work (after I realized I was doing this, and walked by a guy doing the same thing). I came home and told the Zombie about it. I ended by saying, “so we’re regarded as intelligent and brainless!” He didn’t seem to have any reaction. I was honestly curious if he’d be upset, or touched, or who knows what. He can be very hard to read.

BUT!

Then I woke up and he had taken one of my big, old TI calculators and SHOVED IT INSIDE HIS ARM!

I know he’s the undead so it didn’t hurt him, and it looks kinda neat in a weird-zombie sort of way. It’s just odd to see a calculator stuck halfway inside someone’s arm.

The problem remains: does that mean he was insulted, or touched? Like is this a warning sign for nerds to keep at bay, or a welcome sign?

Honestly, what does this mean?

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My Zombie Roomy

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Unintentional Pervert – Weekly Wacko (67)

Well friends, sometimes you come out a winner, sometimes you recommend a book with a masturbation scene to a random high school girl.

I was out and about tonight after work and I decided to swing by Borders. I enjoy checking out their books, so then I’ll have things to buy from Amazon or the Half-Price Book Store by me. Sorry Borders, your prices suck.

While walking around I noticed that a teenage couple had grabbed a Borders clerk for help. Then, four Borders clerks were there. They were talking, trying to figure out the problem. FOUR clerks! And none of them could solve this very simple problem. I had thought I had overheard it, and knew some books that counted, so I sauntered over (at that point I was not a pervert, but a smug nerd).

“What kind of book do you have to find?” I asked.
“Oh, a fiction book written by an American author in the last 30 years.”
“That’s the only requirement?”
“Yeah.”

(Seriously – four clerks didn’t know this. Are you kidding me?)

Boom! I’ve got it! A book I had just been looking at, because I’ve heard good things. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I have not read this book but I have heard good things. Also, it looks like a short read and this girl wanted that. I picked the book up and handed it over.

Soon after I left I learned a little factoid, from Wikipedia: “The story explores topics such as introversion, teenage sexuality, homosexuality, abuse, and the awkward times of adolescence. The book also touches strongly on drug use and Charlie’s experiences with this.”

Specifically I learned about the masturbation scene from a friend who had read the book. Greeaaaat.

If the girl bought the book, and headed home and told her parents about the swell gentleman who helped her pick out a book for school … only to start reading it and think it’s some sort of weird, bookish, creepo pick-up move … I apologize. Sorry, chica.

I know those aren’t crazy topics, and any teen now would of course have seen it all already, but still … I feel like a creep.

In my defense I also recommended Steve Martin’s The Pleasure of My Company because I am a huge fan of that book.

Sincerely,
The bookish creep

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Weekly Wacko

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