The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘aliens’

Attn: Ellen (6/20/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Can you imagine how painful and awkward and terrifying it would be if the following happened … An alien race came to visit planet Earth. But, wait, it’s Trump leading the greeting party. Guh.

But I’m not too worried, I’m pretty sure Angela Merkel would drop kick Trump before the meeting to knock him out.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


And I’d Say to the Aliens

The Aliens had been on Earth a few weeks, and countless people had been brought to them to answer their question but still no one could do it.

The media was in a frenzy over trying to figure out what was happening. They had heard about a question, but it was only rumor. There was debate over if there really was a question, which side was asking the question, if the aliens were even real, and on and on.

Somehow I was called in as someone who might have the answer.

I approached the Alien mothership with fear, reverence, and curiosity.

The Aliens, I learned, had studied Earth. They had studied humans. They had studied our history, our culture, our contradictions, our common hopes and dreams and fears.

And they understood us more than we understood ourselves.


They didn’t understand one concept: loneliness.

I laughed as I said, don’t worry about it guys. I’ve got your answer.


This simple display at Costco answered the aliens question – what is loneliness?


P.S. Happy New Year’s, all. I hope you won’t be spending the night eating a family sized summer sausage by yourself.


I was shocked when the aliens came.

I was flabbergasted when they said they were going to destroy all human life on Earth.

And I was just plain pissed off when they said, “except Larry.”

Larry? Really aliens? Ok, sure, you’re hyper intelligent and each of you knows more than all of us combined and you’re smart enough to travel all the way to us and destroy all of us but … why Larry?

He’s such a jerk! You know I went out to lunch with him last week and when the bill came it was 19 dollars and some change and he left a twenty and that’s it! Hiya Larry, heard of tipping? You jerk.

You might wonder why I was out to lunch with Larry but it’s a work-politics thing and I don’t want to get into it. (And I’ll admit that I kind of enjoy whining about Larry – yes, I’m the guy that started asking the question, “was Larry’s dad a dentist, and his mom an enema?”)

In case you’re wondering his dad really is a dentist, and as far as I know his mother is not actually an enema.

Anyhow aliens, this is ticking me off. What will Larry do with the planet all to himself? I’ll tell you what he’ll do – he’ll continue walking around the office talking to himself about how he doesn’t have enough memory on his computer.

I can see it now. Four years after humanity is gone … He’ll be spending Saturday night the way he does now. Walking around Target, looking at CDs but not getting any of them because he doesn’t agree with the philosophy of the artist. Then he’ll head home to make soup and re-watch that one episode of Firefly with the hot red head.

Listen aliens – it’s great that you said you were going to give us seven years to clean up our acts and prove that we deserve to live on this planet. We appreciate it. But what does that mean? Does that mean we all need to live like Larry? Because there’s a mob from work forming and … ha! I can’t believe it! Dave’s got a pitchfork. Classic Dave. Anyhow there’s this mob forming and I don’t think Larry’s going to last seven years.

Any answers or tips or something would really be appreciated. Or hey, maybe if you rescind your threat or just – I know this is bad but – if you just changed it to destroying ALL humanity.

Spare Larry? I don’t think so.

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