The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘parents’

Dear Mr. Jean Claude

Dear Mr. Jean Claude,

Recently my son turned 11 and a friend of his mentioned a movie of yours. My son is now dying to see this movie but I cannot allow this because in my family we do not engage in using profanity. I think it is foul, crude, and shows a lack of education.

I am writing, as a parent, to respectfully ask you to change your name to something more sensible and re-release your movies under your new name.

Here are some name suggestions:
Jean Claude van Darn
Jean Claude van Dadgummit
Jean Claude van Oh Golly

Thank you in advance,
Joe Watkins


Dear Mr. Watkins,

Thanks for your letter.

Doug – I cc’d you on this for a reason. Think you could write up a script where I’m the parent of a daughter in college and I wear tight jeans and high-kick over protective parents in the face? I don’t know, something about their overprotectiveness threatens my daughter’s life or something.

Thanks for the idea Mr. Watkins.


Jean Claude van Damme No-He-Didn’t-Oh-Yes-He-Did

Parental Visit Recap

My Mom was in town for a visit from a Wednesday (Halloween) to Tuesday, my Dad Thursday to Sunday. Who’s ready for a recap!?! (This post is mostly for me, but it has some entertaining stuff even if you don’t know them.)

Recap Time!

Wednesday night my mom and I went to dinner after I got her from the airport. They had an alligator at the place, in a cage, chilling. Kitschy, but hey, who doesn’t dig a gator? They also had gator on the menu. My mom asked, “wait, real alligator? Or is that a euphemism?” … I have no idea what that would be a euphemism for, but I don’t like the idea of it.

Thursday I worked til an hour or two after my Dad arrived. My Mom had my car so she and my Dad drove to work to get me. We went to Johnson Space Center and did the tour. It’s a staple item on the Houston visit to-do list. Red means serious when it comes to NASA phones

Friday we drove down to Galveston. We had been warned that there was a motorcycle rally in town … but boy, that didn’t do it justice. There were a LOT of motorcycles, and folks in the whole getup. Everywhere we went you heard the sound of motorcycles.

We walked through a street that was closed off for vendors selling motorcycle clothing and such. My Dad said something along the lines of not feeling so out of place since he visited Amsterdam in the 70s (he was either still in college at the United States Military Academy or just out of school … basically, not your average Amsterdam visitor).

Here’s what is really funny. We went into an antique store and my Mom bought a vintage Barbie carrying case (originally I used the word ‘old’ but when Googling for an image of it, ‘vintage’ is what brought me the desired result).
Vintage Barbie Carrying Case at Lone Star Rally

My Mom, Dad, and I went from the antique store to the motorcyclists gathering area on the Strand (a main street in Galveston). Bikes everywhere, guys and girls with leather on everywhere. I suggested that my Mom step in front of a bunch of bikes and pose with her Barbie carrying case. She obliged. A big tough guy looked over at us, saw the case, and smirked. Three women who were motorcycle ladies, sitting on the ground by us, noticed what was happening. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but in turn each of the women seemed to realize they had owned the same carrying case when they were little girls and they also loved it.

I really regret not asking them to pose for a picture with the case. The worst part of it is that they would’ve been cool with it, too. For all the gruff exterior, the motorcyclists we ran across were a bunch of sweethearts. Yes, I said it, sweethearts.

Saturday was a big day. We headed into town and split ways. My Mom, for the irony factor and her love of quilting (check out the quilt she made for me!), went to the International Quilt Festival (last year’s attendance was over 60,000!! Holy cow!). Houston International Quilt Festival

Meanwhile my Dad and I headed to a sports bar to watch Army beat Air Force (what’s up!), and I read some homework (booorrrrinnnggggg). We linked up with my Mom around 6 pm to go to the Rockets home opener! Unfortunately the Rockets lost but the crowd was good, and the game was entertaining.

That guy has a foam finger for a head

Sunday saw my Dad’s departure. But before that we headed to a few more shops. My Mom tried to get me to explain hipsters, but I did not have the answer. I honestly don’t know how to explain why someone would wear suspenders, but then take the time to work on their hair only to make it look like they had just woken up. You tell me, suspenders-wearing guy.

After my Dad hopped on an airplane, my Mom and I headed to more shops. It was … exciting.

Monday I went in for about a 3/4 long day, then … you guessed it, shopping. We capped the night off with a nice dinner and a bit of TV on my dearest friend, my couch. I’ll admit, I now own two new, nice sweaters.

Tuesday my Mom headed home.

Attn: Ellen (11/7/12)


Panda Bear Ellen DeGeneres

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Postcard Ellen DeGeneres

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This past week my parents were in town for a visit. We saw Johnson Space Center, Galveston (where there was a motorcycle rally), downtown Houston (where there was an international quilt festival), a Rockets game and of course food was a big part of it.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m ready for a nap.


Why am I doing this?

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