The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘std’

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today? It’s time again for … “I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …”

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!


Question One

I drink a ton of Mountain Dew, so, like, since that kills sperm count do I even need to wear a condom?

Nope! And even better news, you can spend that money you would’ve used on condoms to buy MORE Mountain Dew to ensure that those pesky sperm are really super duper dead.


Question Two

I’m going to be traveling soon and it says I should get a malaria vaccination if I can’t avoid mosquito bites. That seems pretty impossible. Or is there some secret I don’t know?

There are probably a lot of secrets you don’t know, but for now we’ll focus on the mosquito issue because that’s easier to answer.

There are a lot of great options out there when it comes to avoiding mosquito bites. Personally, I like to travel wrapped in a series of trash bags, completing the outfit with a long sleeve shirt and gloves, and a bee keepers helmet. One time cost of a bee keeper helmet vs one malaria shot every few years? Seems like a pretty simple decision to me.

(From the CDC’s site about Colombia, it says “When traveling in Colombia, you should avoid mosquito bites to prevent malaria.”)


Question Three

A co-worker told me at a meeting that he wants to talk to me about STDs. What should I do?

First of all, I hope you are looking seriously at what you are including when you are coding. If you don’t need everything within the C++ Standard Library then you could consider specifying those things which you do need. For example, std::cout rather than including the catchall “using namespace std” which would then allow you to just have “cout.”

Also, as we all know, be sure to wear protection and have serious medical talks with your partner(s) before writing code or having sex.


For more of my expert medical advice, check part I!

De Jour of the Week (4/5/10)

Who doesn’t have a love-hate with Wal-Mart?

An Ode to Wal-Mart

Love me tender,
Love me big-spender,
Love me some Wal-Mart in all its splendor.

Someone is blocking the aisle, “excuse me misssss … ter?”
Don’t get me started on that confusing disaster.

So overweight that using the automatic wheelchair causes you to work up a sweat …
It’s almost too pathetic to make fun of … almost, but not yet.

You’re paying for condoms with some food stamps –
Ladies left town and all we have now are tramps.

A personal cell phone call with your apparently deaf friend about cramps, sure, that’s appropriate –
The disgusted ‘this is personal!’ look you give to anyone who unwillingly overhears is what they get!

Your leopard print, skin tight pajama pants are impressive –
The image it’s seared into my brain is oppressive.

Your child is crying, wrecking your A-game with that hunk of burning (STDs) love –
Would you mind handling everything you ever, EVER touch with a latex glove?

‘Born in the USA!’ t-shirt worn with mustard-stained, one-size-too-small, pride –
I’m guessing the truck with a Confederate flag and missing headlight is your ride?

What’s this? A cute sight? A daddy playing with his daughter!
Ew. He just checked out that teenage chick. Just more Wal-Mart fodder.

Your child is wearing a shirt that says, “bitch give me a hot dog” –
Methinks during pregnancy you couldn’t resist the eggnog?

Emaciated, and overweight –
How did you reach a feat so great?
Yes, I love me some Wal-Mart,
It’s near and dear to my heart,
And when we finally decide to do some fix-ups on America it’s a great big beacon of where to start.

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