The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘sailor’

Halloween!

It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!
6-compelling-grumpy-cat-plush-toy-uk-warrior-cat-plush-toys-grumpy-cat-plush-toys-r-us-big-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-toys-plush-ball-toys-felix-the-cat-plush-toys-pete-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-plush

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

Important Discovery!!

I realized today that any phrase that starts with “hey sailor” ends up sounding like a sexual innuendo.

For example if I asked you, “paper or plastic?” you might visualize yourself at a grocery store. But if I said, “hey sailor … paper or plastic?” You would assume I’m coming on to you.

Note: I should add that whenever I write ‘hey sailor’ in my head it’s my most sultry voice. And what a sultry voice.

Other fun innuendos involving hey sailor:

Hey sailor, white or wheat?

Hey sailor, your shoe’s untied.

Hey sailor, I can’t find my dress socks. Will you help me look?

Hey sailor, wakka wakka wakka …

***


Now. Just as important as this discovery was this secondary discovery. There is NO WAY you can say the word “socioeconomic” and not have it kill the innuendo you were so finely crafting.

“Hey sailor, want to talk about the socioeconomic condition in West Virginia?”

NOPE! Doesn’t work!

***


My challenge to you, dear reader(s) – come up with an innuendo phrase that involves socioeconomic. The winner of the challenge will get a very crappy poem written to/about/for them. The poem will probably not make sense, but it will rhyme.

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