The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘costume’


It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

Celebrity Costume Getup Advice!

What is it, Monday? Ok, great.

Heya folks – it’s MONDAY! And you know what that means – it’s time to dress up as your favorite celebrity! Here to help you, it’s … me! With Impromptu Celebrity Costume Getup Advice! Let’s get to it, shall we?


Jon Hamm

This could be you.

You take a plain white t-shirt and write, “hi my name is Jon.” Do NOT include an H. This will RUIN the costume.

Then you take a pig snout nose thing, you probably already own a couple, and wear that.

That’s it. You’re Jon Hamm.


Jimmy Fallon

 You take a plain white t-shirt and write, “hi my name is Jimmy.” Not JIM. And don’t re-use your t-shirt from last year when you were Jon.

Then you get a prison uniform and wear that. You’re Jimmy Felon. Fallon. Close enough.


Jerry Seinfeld

Hey look at you, mr funny guy.

Get your custom-tailored lederhosen or dirndl (the lady lederhosen) and throw that puppy on. Oh and brush up on your German accent.

Then (obviously), you want to get out a plain white t-shirt and draw a picture of a road sign being knocked over. Throw that t-shirt on and … who are you?

You’re Jerry Sign Felled. Jerry Seinfeld everyone!


From my heart to yours, happy random January day costume party everyone!

Dragon Con Highlights and Lowlights

Last week I attended Dragon Con which was, let me tell you, pretty disappointing. Talk about an all-time misnomer.

Me: Hi, I’m Steve. Why are you dressed as … what are you dressed as anyway?
Girl: I’m sexy Boba Fett.
Me: That’s … weird. Why … Well, whatever. I guess one thing I don’t like about dragons is that if a dragon came to your home and went to the bathroom you could literally drown in urine. Isn’t that awful?
Girl: Um … I’m going to a panel. Bye.

That was just one of the many failed attempts at conversations I had while I was there. Here I was, finally assembled with my peers. People who see dragons as the awful creatures they are, and yet no one would have a serious talk with me about dragon cons.

(Overhearing a group talking about fighting dragons in Skyrim)
Me: Hey! I couldn’t help but notice you guys were talking about dragons and I just wanted to say –
Person in group: I wish I could be a dragon!
Another person: Oh yeah! Imagine flying around, setting fire to stuff with my BREATH!
Apparently clever person in group: You already DO set fire to stuff with your breath. Here, have a mint.

At this point I was excited because it seemed like they were a funny, enjoyable group. Obviously they were being sarcastic because everyone knows you can’t set fire to things for fun, it would hurt the environment in an unnatural way and endanger people’s lives (as I have written about in my list, ‘Top 100 Worst Things About Dragons’). But then, they all started to chime in. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

Person in group: Hey … are you ok?
Me: I just … I expected this to be different.
Another person in group: What do you mean? This is awesome! We’re here with a bunch of other people who share our passions, so many people in amazing costumes … This is an awesome convention!
Me: A … convention?
Person in group: Yes …?
Me: Oh. I see.

It turns out I should have done my research. Dragon Con is not dedicated to people who want to talk about why dragons are bad. I almost Googled Dragon Pro to see how big their convention is compared to Dragon Con but I didn’t want to have that awful phrase in my search history … I guess if I had done that I may have avoided this mistake.

After realizing my mistake I ended up having a great time and meeting wonderful people.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one who had tough moments there … Again, my apologies Doug. You really are a wonderful human being.

Me: What are you, a transgendered April O’Neil from the Ninja Turtles?
Doug: No, I’m Doug.

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