The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Story’

Lost Shakespeare Transcript Found!

Amazing! I don’t know how these things happen, but I found a transcript of a conversation THE William Shakespeare had with a certain love interest. Here we go, from me to you!

* * *

William Shakespeare (WS): Hey honey. I’m home.
Love Interest (LI): Darling!! How was your day?
WS: Not bad, not bad. I drank, and I wrote a play.
LI: Oh! I’m so proud of you!!
WS: Thanks. It’s called Hamlet.
LI: Aw! Did you write it while you were thinking of me? Like how your ex inspired you to write Romeo and Juliet with your amazing love?
WS: Uh … Yeah I actually did think about you while I wrote this.
LI: We can talk later! Let me read it!! Wow! I’m your muse!!

(Later that day)

LI: What the hell, Bill.
WS: You read it?
LI: Uh. Yeah.
WS: Ha … so … did you like it?
LI: Talk about your all time passive aggressive.
WS: What? With my ex I thought about love so strong you couldn’t live without it. With you I thought of … murder. It’s just a different dynamic?
LI: I seriously hate you.
WS: Awww come on!
LI: How can you think our relationship is good if, while dating me, you write a play where EVERYONE DIES.
WS: Life is fleeting. Just like relationships.
LI: …
WS: Oh. Whoops. Haha! Um, no. Let me say that again. Life is fleeting. Unlike our relationship?
LI: …
WS: …Who wants ice cream?

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Short Short Stories

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A Little Story About Jogging

Today I woke up and I had the goal of going on a jog.

Actually wait, let me tell you a little something first. I just bought new sneakers and they are oh so pretty. They were a birthday gift from myself to myself – which makes me worry about how boring I have become.

Starting a story with an aside. What have I done? This makes me think of my grandparents. They’ll be talking about breakfast (old people latch onto boring topics), and then one of them will mention delicious cantaloupe, and then,

“Oh … yes … that cantaloupe was good. Wilbur, where did we get that cantaloupe?” The grandma asks.

“Hm?” The grandpa asks.

“The cantaloupe!” The grandma yells/whines.

“It’s good. You remember that really good cantaloupe we had?” The grandpa asks.

Quick note. Sorry, old people, for teasing you on the memory – I’ll have no memory when I’m old so justice will be served. Hell, God may even smite me down now. Where am I!??! BUT, seriously, old people, WHY do you remember the most worthless parts of stories? And again, I already know I’m doomed to this fate. “Oh I remember the day I met your grandmother …” I’ll say sweetly to my grandchildren, “it was cloudy.” And that’d be the whole story.

Back the to conversation.

“Wilbur!” The grandmother then says angrily, she seems to think her husband being old with the limited memory is a façade. Every day he wakes up and giggles, and whispers to the mirror, “I am such a prankster!”

“Hm?” The grandpa asks.

“Where did we get that cantaloupe?” The grandma asks.

“Mm. From Tom and his wife.” The grandpa says, without care.

“No! … It wasn’t them. It was Tom’s old neighbor …  who drove that Cadillac.” The grandma says.

Now, here we go onto a four minute car talk. Like a family tree, but of cars. “It was before we had the Buick … but after the (insert old people car here) …”

Following this we’d get back to the fabled cantaloupe, the story would conclude with no progress, with the final thing said being,

“Well, anyway, it was good cantaloupe.” The grandma would say this in an annoyed tone. She now somewhat hates the cantaloupe.

Anyhow – the run didn’t happen. I was too lazy.

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Short Short Stories

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Are you an attractive woman home-alone? Here’s how to act!

“Bye husband!”

Oh, it’s so weird being home alone!

I feel like I haven’t been left home alone in the longest time … and not once since we moved to this country estate!

I just love it out here!

All the trees coming up to, practically, our back door.

It’s such a bummer my husband’s flight had to leave at midnight. I don’t know why he wouldn’t let me drive him to the airport.

I feel so … lonely … gosh!

This is so weird.

Maybe if I go put on a tank top and some booty shorts?

No!

I should take a shower first!

Hmm … No, I’ll watch TV.

Oooh!

One of those shows about wanted criminals being on the loose! Did he just say the same very small town that I live in is where – hey! Friends is on too!

Wow!

I’ve never realized how, at night, with all the windows in this family room, and the woods coming all the way up to the back of our house … I’ve never realized you can’t really see the moon!

How depressing!

Whatever!

Did something just move out there?

Why am I still not wearing booty shorts?

That sounded like something scraping at the door?

No – probably just Joey from Friends! He’s so funny!

I should turn the TV on extra loud … I don’t know why … Then go take a shower.

OK!

Volume … UP!

Great!

Did I lock the front door after my dearest husband left?

Hmm … Probably so, no sense in double checking.

It’s so nice living out here in the middle of nowhere! I mean, my husband and I are each in our young twenties and fantastically good looking – me particularly when I wear booty shorts.

Hey ….

Oh my gosh!

Wouldn’t that …

Oh! Yes! I will leave the bathroom door slightly cracked! That will be so exciting! I’ve never done that when I’ve showered before!

OK!

Water’s on …

Nice and hot water – good. Make sure the bathroom window is extra steamy so I won’t be able to see a thing!

There was that scraping noise again at the door!

That Joey!

The water feels so nice!

I feel completely vulnerable now!

How neat!

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Short Short Stories

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