The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘thoughts’

Thoughts During a Massage

T Minus 5 minutes: I greet her, say hello, how’s it going, etc. Little chit chat. Work out any specifics (ex. I went once when my right knee was bothering me due to lack of good enough stretching).

T Minus 3 minutes: She tells me to get undressed, hop on the massage table, and she’ll be back in a few minutes. As I am getting undressed the same thought always pops into my head: What if she walked in right now (with me standing beside the table in just boxer briefs)? That would be so awkward! But really, that’s a pretty silly thought because she knows better than most people what I look like wearing just boxer briefs and she couldn’t care less. (Well, she probably would care if I stopped personal hygiene activities.)

T Minus 15 seconds til she walks in: Should I greet her when she walks in? Should I look up and say hello or something? She walks in, I respond to her if she says something otherwise I am silent and I feel slightly awkward.

Minutes 0 – 7:

Should I talk to her? What would I say? Should I just sit here?

(Mental lull while something feels good or painful.)

Hahaha she just touched my tushy.

(Mental void.)

How is she able to inflict so much pain!? How is she so tiny and able to do this job? My gosh, she must need to get a massage a day after all the effort she puts in! She’s just so … tiny! Ahhh elbow on the back!

(Time passes and I might fall asleep briefly.)

Woah! I think I fell asleep! I wonder if she notices that and just picks up a magazine, like, sweet, this dude’s out cold, time to chill. But then would I notice the sudden lack of touch and wake up from that? Eh, probably not.

(After a bit I go back to a mental void. That is, until she switches to massaging my legs.)

Oh man. My toes. My feet. I wonder who has the hairiest feet of all her people. I can’t be the worst … My toes are pretty gross though. Stupid running. I wish I could know what’s going on in her head! … Wait, no I don’t.


Here’s to massages: Allowing you to bounce between extreme relaxation and self-conscious inner monologue discussions about your body and casual conversation while a relative stranger soothingly touches your butt.

The First Thirty Thoughts I Would Have, In Order, If A UFO Landed in Front of Me

*Fwoosh – The Ship Appears*

1 – Holy crap.
2 – Dang!, wish I had my camera!
3 – Can I out-run my friends?
4 – What if they eat the fastest one of us?
5 – Can I out-run the aliens?
6 – Hopefully they won’t try and eat us.
7 – Dang I should’ve had that third doughnut!
8 – Nah they won’t kill us.
9 – I’m going to die and have wasted a doughnut!
10 – Oh man!
11 – What if they stink?
12 – What if they’re super intelligent.
13 – Incredibly kind.
14 – Can solve all our problems.
15 – But stink horribly?
16 – Does the UN have a stink-council?
17 – They will soon.
18 – I wonder what their language will sound like.
19 – What if they all sound like Ray Romano?
20 – Smelly, Ray Romano aliens.
21 – What if it turns out to be God, and He’s been cruising around and found a bunch of utopias and realized He should’ve spent, oh I don’t know, a week-and-a-half making us instead of a week.
22 – I should start to dance.
23 – “Welcome to Earth … check this out, it’s called ‘the white chocolate.'”
24 – If they land and probe me, I’m going to feel kinda bad for having laughed when I heard people saying that kind of thing.
25 – Although, it’s still kinda funny.
26 – Space Pervs! Hahaha. Sounds like a good spoof superhero flick.
27 – I should blog about that.
28 – Oh crap the door is opening …
29 – Is my last thought really going to be about blogging?
30 – Man I really wish I’d eaten that doughnut.


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