The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘valentine’s’

Toastmasters Entertaining Speaker #5

The idea for this speech is ‘Speaking After Dinner.’ It’s an 8-10 minute speech. So uh … enjoy?

The Precise Moment

Who here has a hobby that they love?

(Wait for answers.)

Ok, what is it? Are you good at it? Does it take work?

Who here has someone that you love?

(Wait for answers.)

Are you good at loving that person? Does it take work?

I think the idea of ‘love at first sight’ is silly. SILLY! You can look at someone and at first sight know the answers to some pretty simple questions like, ‘do I like looking at this person?’ Yes, this is great, I’m soon going to be entering creepily staring territory. Or maybe it’s a no, not so much, how can one person look so creepy?

But LOVE at first sight? Love can’t be reached so easily. That’s diminishing what love is, in my opinion. Love is work. Love is enjoyable work, but it is work. You have to KNOW something to love it, and you can’t know something with a look. I’ve heard that you can’t know if you love someone until you experience the four seasons with that person. Those aren’t literal seasons but emotional ones. Have you gone through ecstatic highs, or heart-wrenching lows? Some people could be easy to love when they’re in a certain place, but people don’t stay in one place.

Now, switching from my emotional side talking to my engineering side – here is an interesting question! What was the exact moment you fell in love? Because there WAS an exact moment. You probably didn’t catch it, though. There you were, however many months into knowing this person and they grab a straw and pretend to be a unicorn and boop – there it went, the switch flipped from ‘not in love’ to ‘in love.’ That unicorn impression was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Yes, there were many long conversations, many rounds of putt-putt, maybe a vacation where you joined his or her family that preceded that unicorn impression but all of that stuff just got you 99% toward in love. And now here you are, officially, actually, really and truly IN. LOVE.

And maybe some of us are wise, and intuitive, and forward thinking and we can see things quickly and say things to ourselves like, “I’m going to marry this person.” But I would suggest that people think or say that BEFORE they’re in love, they’re just looking at their emotional histogram.

(Draw histogram)

And saying ok, yep, the results are clear, I will eventually end up in love with this person so I’m all clear to say something to my best friend like ‘hey this person and I are gonna get married.’

BUT, say you have only uncovered two of the four seasons at that point and you are soon going through one of those seasons, we’ll call it fall, and it turns out this person only eats Cinnamon Toast Crunch. WOAH. RED FLAG. Not cool. You broach the topic, ‘hey sweetie, hey darling, hey potential love of my life, you’re 30 now … so I bought you a cereal that is just a teensy bit less unhealthy because I don’t want you dead at 40.’ And the person throws a table over and then consumes a whole family size box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a coping mechanism.

Yikes. Marriage daydream cancelled.

But I posed a question that I like. What was the MOMENT you fell in love? Does anyone care to share?

(Wait for answers)

Or, perhaps an easier question, what was the moment you realized you loved someone?

(Wait for answers)

I can tell you the moment I realized I loved my wife, and it is definitely indicative of my engineering side. I think it was early in the year, maybe around this time of year even, and I was thinking about what I’d be doing. SxSW? A music festival in Houston in June? California with my family in July? And then I realized. Wait. A. Minute. Lauren’s not a conditional! Previously when I thought about plans in the future I would think, ‘if Lauren and I are together then this will be the plan … if we’re not, this will be the plan.’ Sounds cold, but I was factoring in when she would or wouldn’t join me on trips. But here I was thinking about all of these plans and Lauren was there, there was no question in my mind. I HAD to conclude that I was in love. Woah. Unexpected. And then, of course, the next natural step was to ask her to marry me because there was no sense delaying the tax advantages.

Now you have to figure out … did I really think that? Am I that kind of person? I’ll leave that to you.

In college I actually asked my family one of the questions I’ve asked you – what was the EXACT moment you fell in love? I was fascinated by the idea that there was some particular moment in time where you went from 99% to 100% … My mom tried to answer but said she remembered realizing when she was in love, but not the exact moment. My sister and brother-in-law both talked about moments when they realized things. My dad walked in the room at that point and I asked him the same question. And I’ll add, my dad is not a touchy-feely type, he is much more of a smart alec type. Remember that when you hear this answer. When asked, ‘do you know the exact moment you fell in love with mom?’ He replied without missing a beat, ‘it was the first time I saw her topless.’

Ah. Cherish these family memories.

Today is Valentine’s Day. Tonight, find someone or something that you love and think about how good and nice it is to have something to love. Cherish that, work at that, and that hard work will only pay dividends.

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Fellow Baby

It’s Valentine’s Day. Hurray?

At my son’s school we can get Valentine’s cards to have the kids give each other. Adorable, most likely. A bunch of 12 – 24 month olds handing tiny little cards to each other, pretending to read them saying, ‘ba ba ba ba? Ba ba.’

But here’s the disappointing news – we aren’t supposed to write in the cards! This, of course, makes me want to write in the cards.

white black and red person carrying heart illustration in brown envelope

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Here’s what I would write:

‘Hey babe, you, me, Tijuana, and lots of mistakes – this weekend?’

‘Of all the babies, you are my least favorite. Your nose is always runny and it’s gross.’ (I know exactly who I’d want my son to give this to.)

‘When the grown ups aren’t looking we should begin the revolution.’

‘Sometimes when I poop my pants and sit in my diaper … it’s like a warm, squishy hug on my tush.’

‘You can never defeat me.’

‘Oh my God I love your hair. Nah I’m kidding girl you look like a mess.’

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Attn: Ellen (2/14/18)

Front

Ellen338a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen338b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This Valentine’s Day prove to someone your love by buying them something nicer than they got you. Then say something sweet like, “I guess I do love you more” and really spice up the night by adding “did you EVER love me or has this all been a sham?” Spicy!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (2/13/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres Valentines

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Valentines

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

It’s pretty well-established that dolphins are awesome, right? So why aren’t there more Valentine’s cards that say stuff like, “You’re cooler than Flipper, wanna get some ice cream?”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Happy Valentine’s!

Why am I doing this?

My Zombie Roomy (2/15/10)

2/15/10
I never thought I’d spend my Valentine’s day with a zombie. But I did.

And you know what, it was weird.

I’m curious if I have a gay, freeloading zombie roommate. I mean, I’m fine with gay people, but I was getting some weird vibes from the zombie last night, so this is kind of worrying me.

I may be crazy, that’s entirely possible – but I swear there were little things that kept happening. Like, the zombie was sitting in the middle of the couch. You don’t do that. You sit on one side. And then I turned on the TV and you know what movie was playing? The Breakfast Club.

That seemed more zombie-gay yesterday. Maybe I’m being irrational. All right, my brain is just fried from a long day of work I guess. I’m going to watch some TV and eat some cookies. I’m going out of town, to New Orleans with two friends … I think the time apart from the zombie may be a good thing.

I’ll be in New Orleans with Kate and Barbara.

De Jour of the Week (2/13/10)

2/13/10
The Pedantic Poem

It’s Valentine’s and I’m feeling romantic
So I want to write you a simple poem to say how I feel – without big words like pedantic

We go together like a fat guy and bacon
And unless I’m mistaken
Our love is deeper than a pot heads desire for Fritos
Do you get the full effect of my affection in this prose?

We’re a better team than alcohol and karaoke
There’s nothing better than you and me

We’re more impressive than that steam that rises off bald black football players heads during cold games
To be near you, with you and around you are my only aims

We’re the total opposite of walking to a job interview in a fancy new suit and having a bird crap on your head
You’re the last thought i have before I go to bed

Our love is stronger than a scary con on steroids
I like you so much I’d rather listen to you talk about work than judge people in the tabloids

We fit together better than a sports announcer and mind-numbing amounts of repetition
Doe-eyed, gooey-eyed, mumbling, drooling and grinning like an idiot is my condition

Are you tracking like a VCR?
Romance is wherever you and I are

*

Happy Valentine’s everybody!
Enjoy some pictures from Anna and I hitting up the San Francisco Valentine’s day pillow fight last year!

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