The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘valentines day’

Happy Valentine’s Day, Fellow Baby

It’s Valentine’s Day. Hurray?

At my son’s school we can get Valentine’s cards to have the kids give each other. Adorable, most likely. A bunch of 12 – 24 month olds handing tiny little cards to each other, pretending to read them saying, ‘ba ba ba ba? Ba ba.’

But here’s the disappointing news – we aren’t supposed to write in the cards! This, of course, makes me want to write in the cards.

white black and red person carrying heart illustration in brown envelope

Photo by on

Here’s what I would write:

‘Hey babe, you, me, Tijuana, and lots of mistakes – this weekend?’

‘Of all the babies, you are my least favorite. Your nose is always runny and it’s gross.’ (I know exactly who I’d want my son to give this to.)

‘When the grown ups aren’t looking we should begin the revolution.’

‘Sometimes when I poop my pants and sit in my diaper … it’s like a warm, squishy hug on my tush.’

‘You can never defeat me.’

‘Oh my God I love your hair. Nah I’m kidding girl you look like a mess.’

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Attn: Ellen (2/14/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This Valentine’s Day prove to someone your love by buying them something nicer than they got you. Then say something sweet like, “I guess I do love you more” and really spice up the night by adding “did you EVER love me or has this all been a sham?” Spicy!

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Back Up – It’s Holiday Time Ya’ll

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: Valentine’s Day and President’s Day have joined forces and we can now expect Valentine’s Day cards that also celebrate Presidents.
Personally, I think it’s a great idea.
Lesser known or oft-forgotten presidents can finally get their time in the lime-light.
Look for new classic cards like:
“My heart Van Burens for you”
And, uh …
“Wanna go to Cleveland?”
Well. This is tougher than I thought it’d be. How about …

“Rutherford B. Hayes girl … what’s up?”

Ok, nevermind everybody. Let’s keep romance and the presidents separated.

Holy Crap It’s Valentine’s!

Today, if you are somehow still unaware, is Valentine’s Day. Today is a day that is dedicated to showing your affections to someone. This is a great concept – “hey, remember your significant other? In case you had forgotten this day is a slap in the face to remind you of why that person is your significant other!”

Unfortunately, the day has become associated with proving your affections rather than showing them. And you can’t have proof without hard evidence in the form of stuff that costs money. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone, but as a guy this is the fear. You had better have planned some kind of magical night that shows just how much you care, or you will be compared to the idealized version of what romance is on Valentine’s Day, and you will be seen as lesser. So step it up, hot shot.

But wait. What if today was Valentine’s Day in a romantic comedy? (A stereotypically adored thing by these feared female significant others.)


Here’s what you do: Tell your date to get dressed up and you do the same. Bring her some flowers, a card, and head to a beautiful, out of your budget, fancy place for dinner. Tell the host or hostess (maître d’ if you’re real fancy) your name and that you are a party of two. At that moment you will hear those dreaded words, “I’m sorry … Your name is not on the list …”

What!? But you made the reservation like a MONTH ago!

You go back and forth but eventually leave, dejected. Your significant other is telling you that guy was a jerk, and that maybe you guys could just go home and make dinner together, that’d be sweet? And you say “NO! If you … If you don’t mind some subpar foods I’ve got an idea …”

You drive her home, tell her to change into something comfortable (not “something … comfortable“) and say you’ll be back. In reality though, you never had reservations, but you do have a simple picnic lunch in your trunk. Some turkey sandwiches, cut up fruit, and a little dessert. You wait around a bit then drive to a nearby park. It’s romantic and cheap. You win!

(In the romantic comedy the guy probably WOULD have had reservations, and the last minute fix picnic meal would truly have been a last minute fix … But hey, different route, same conclusion, so it’s all good right?)


Just buy or make something that shows how much you care and it is something she would adore because it’s some quirky thing that only she would enjoy and that shows that you know her really well. Something like that.

Best of luck, folks.

Had Enough Sap Today? If Not, Here’s Some More

FYI: You may watch this and want to puke. All that effort and a little kiss? Come on!

Feeling a little more dark about Valentine’s? (Hope you don’t mind creepy special effects.)

Non Traditional Valentines Day Poems

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I haven’t been taking my meds
The government watches everything you do

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Today is Thursday
We’re all going to die alone

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We never just talk anymore
What. The. Hell.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Not to be creepy or anything
But I watch you while you’re sleeping


My sister and I were talking and we agreed – for single girls, Valentine’s stinks. For guys in a relationship, Valentine’s can definitely stink. In my opinion, on Valentine’s, there are a lot of ways a guy dating someone can fail … but very few ways a girl can fail.

Try and think of a way:

  • “Darling, I made reservations for dinner and here you are at home not wearing pants!” This phrase would not be said with anger.
  • “You bought me … roses?! But you know I love tulips!” Let’s say a guy actually says this with some anger, solution: the girl wears something slinky.
  • “Aww, I’m allergic to these chocolates.” Her response: “crazy news! I’m allergic to … pants.”


So fellas, good luck finding out the magical Valentine’s formula:

Chocolates + flowers + compliments = a lady wearing no pants.

Happy Valentine’s everyone!!

Brought to you by … phoning it in, blogger style.

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