The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Weekly Wacko’

Weekly Wacko (43)

Festival of Sadness

I bought a car today.

Which is good, and bad. Hence: Festival of Sadness. It’s good to have a new car for the reasons I’ve outlined below, but it’s bad because – hey, who likes spending that much money?

I’m a very practical (boring) guy. I bought lower than what I could have because it’s a car. It’ll get me from point A to point B. It’ll do so with a high history of reliability, a good rating from Consumer Reports, and decent gas mileage.

Told you I was boring.

I said goodbye to my beloved Yoda (the car I had until today). Yoda was a 2000 Toyota Camry. My dad bought her when we lived in Georgia, and I took over the car after I graduated college in 2007. My mom sold me the car for $1. It was a pretty good deal. (Oh, my Dad named the car. Yoda the Toyota. You see now where I get these ‘clever’ jokes?)

I said goodbye to a bruised and beaten Yoda. Here are some of the ‘features’ I won’t miss:

  • One day I was driving my work buddies and I to lunch. My friend J in the back seat tried to open his window – instead the window motor made a crazy noise. Back right window no longer in service.
  • Another day J was in the back left seat, and the same thing happened. Seriously.
  • Lately it has gotten to be punch-me-in-the-face hot and humid here in Houston, TX. The perfect time for a car to have an A/C button that causes the car to make a crazy noise, and spit out hot air.
  • 160,000 miles driven worth of goodness.
  • A weird paint/what-the-heck-is-that? stain in the back seat.
  • Accelerating came to be a bit of a challenge. Attempting to go from 0 to 20 in under five seconds resulted in ridiculous revving, and the RPMs would shoot to over 3000 (i.e. YIKES!).
  • Here’s the crowning jewel of my car: The driver door … was missing … the door handle. Split right off. This happened about two years ago and I’d been, um … too busy? I have gotten to be very adept at opening the back door, half-sitting down, reaching up front and opening the driver’s door.

Unfortunately I got a little too used to the missing door handle. During one of my car shopping visits I opened the back door of a car when I was about to test drive it. I managed to play it off as looking in the back to see how roomy it was.
Anyhow. Goodbye my dearest Yoda. Hello … new car (picture it like Seinfeld saying “hello … Newman”).

I’ll have to think up a cool name for the newbie. I don’t know that I’ll ever come up with one as cool as Yoda …

Weekly Wacko (42)

I thought of Brenda and Mike today (they’re explained below) because my work ‘situation’ right now reminds me of them. I am enjoying the extra odd, somewhat dark, humor that comes out of these stressful situations.

My friend J – who I work with now – made a somewhat dark joke. At work you can ‘self-nominate,’ that is choose to be one of the ones to get fired. A group of us walked over to McDonald’s and Jake said he could jump in front of a car and yell, “self-nominated!!!” Another friend joked that we should do a roast of our software product if we do get canned. Pretty geeky joke but it cracked me up.


Worst-Case Friendship

I worked with a small team for about a year and a half. It was my first job right out of college, and this was not the case for them. I was junior to each of them by about twenty years – this varied person to person, but that’s a good amount to say for the average age difference.

I took a while to get comfortable working with them for two big reasons: I was their junior in age, which meant also in experience. Secondly, I don’t know what to do with my sense of humor in a work-environment, so I clam up even more than usual. Which, between you, me, and anyone willing to read this, that’s a lot of clamming up.

Eventually I was able to crack jokes and be myself somewhat. This was especially true with two of the co-workers: Brenda and Mike.

Budget cuts forced our part of the large program we were working on to end. Two senior developers (that is, software engineers, or programmers, or coders, or code monkeys, or socially tactless buffoons, or whatever you want to call them) left pretty quickly after we found out we’d be ending. This left a strain on the rest of the team to close out our product. During this time I got to be much more comfortable and jokes-y with Brenda and Mike. I’d say it was one of those bonding under harsh situations kinds of things.

That is, harsh according to corporate America standards. Not really harsh in the grand scheme of things, just frustrating with job uncertainty and working overtime. Yes, that’s right, working overtime to make sure we do a good job to end our work. Ironic in a corporate-humor-cynical-guy kind of way.

Brenda and I moved to a new location and were sitting pretty close to each other. During this time our main job was to find a new job within a certain time limit. Job searching doesn’t take that much time, though, so every day we’d chat a bit about nothing. I was a big fan of hearing about her son, a senior in high school, and her daughter, a freshman in high school. It was like getting the inside scoop from a mom’s perspective – something I can’t really do with my mom since she’s my mom.

One day we were talking about visits to the eye doctor (I had just gotten a new pair of glasses), and earthquakes (I have no idea). Then this thought came to me, “can you imagine if you were having one of those eye surgeries and an earthquake happened?”

Brenda was amazed. She had not thought of that. She told me that she tends to say things like that to her family and their response is always along the lines of, ‘geez, why’d you go there?’ They didn’t think of the worst-case scenarios like she did.

That moment, after working with Brenda for a year and a half, where I thought of a bizarre worst-case scenario, was probably when Brenda thought the most of me.

And, possibly worst, I’m pretty proud of that.

Weekly Wacko (40)

Tomorrow I leave for an engineering conference. Yikes.

Fotima, the girlfriend unit, and I were going to do a video idea I had for this – but when we tried it we just ended up making fun of each other and laughing. Here instead is the ‘script.’

sitting in chair in front of blank wall, it’s either fotima or me on chair

me: next week i’m going to be at a conference that is – ALL ENGINEERS –

fotima: (nerd voice) hey neat calculator!

me: i’m afraid as part of it my social skills may go down

fotima: (sighing, on the phone) ok, tell me the joke about the tertiary operator

me: fotima agreed to help me with a video where i’m going to predict a few things. say hi fotima.

fotima: hi.

me: so the first day i’ll be flying, and checking in at the airport – and dealing with friendly, smiling, customer service rep

people.

fotima: (smiling) please enjoy your flight/stay/meal/whatever mr. stanley!

me: then … it’s down to brass tacks. me and several hundred other engineers.

fotima: (while texting and eating) firefly was canceled WAY too early – and here’s my 14-point reason why, first …

me: (rubbing head like i’m stressed) so the first night we’re doing a big dinner

fotima: networking

me: where they’ll talk about teamwork,

fotima: networking

me: and leadership

fotima: networking

me: and the value of continuing your education

fotima: networking

me: it’ll be a pretty good speech. though it’s an engineering conference, so it’ll be a who’s who of people who suck at

fotima: networking

me: the next day, tuesday, we’ll be in classes all day. i’m sure i’ll learn some good stuff, and geek out a bit on things that should bore any normal person

fotima: (very excited) wait – what?! there’s a class about how to implement coding standards with legacy code!?!

me: that night we’ll socialize.

fotima: dude you have red dead? so do i, what’s your handle?

me: and then we’re onto wednesday. more classes. that day i’ll guess they’ll have a class on non-verbal cues. specially designed for our uniquely oblivious selves.

fotima: non-verbal cue? you mean like email?

me: that night will be a free night. i don’t have cable at my apartment – so i could see myself getting sucked into the shawshank redemption on TNT, or maybe an old keanu reaves movie on TBS. i don’t know. i’ll probably call fotima.

fotima: hi! how’s your day going!? … … … wow, you’re giving me a very methodical, detail-oriented answer. (fake crying)

me: then it’s thursday, which will go by slowly because i’ll probably be mentally worn out by that time.

fotima: (like talking to children) let’s go over this again class. when you walk down the hall, and someone smiles and says hello – you say hello back.

me: that night a group of fellow nerds and i may do something zany like go to a TGI Friday’s.

fotima: shouldn’t they be closed? it IS thursday!

me: there will be very bad jokes. i’ll probably be the one to tell half of them.

fotima (on cell): he said you should go to TGI fridays? uh-huh. and then you said it’s thursday though. uh-huh. yes, that’s very funny.

me: at last! friday! the end of the conference! for all my whining i will actually have enjoyed it, but i’ll be happy to be heading home.

fotima: he’s been watching dexter. he’ll have gone into dexter-withdrawals.

me: wish me luck folks! here’s hoping i won’t tell any jokes that are received with blank stares and awkward silences!

fin!