The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

Hey Man, You Pregnant?

Hey what’s going on? I noticed you’re looking at stuff in Target, you pregnant or something? I just ask cause they sell kids’ clothes here.

Oh and speaking of pregnant – you want me to help you announce to your friends and family that you might be pregnant?

Look, I know you said you’re not pregnant … But let’s be honest, you might be.

We can do this a bunch of ways, and I will help you make this a memorable announcement for as little as ten dollars. No more than one hundred – and for that price you start the video and say, “I have a big announcement everyone” all like happy or whatever, and then I walk in from a different room just wearing a diaper and maybe like one of those hats babies wear … And I say like “wah way mother f-” and then a microwave beeps or something so it’s like my cussing is edited. Or I can cuss. Whatever. That’s like the premier package.

I disagree, I don’t think you need to call security.

Listen for ten ten bucks, we call that the premiere package, you just announce it all nice like and I just sit off behind you a few feet back and make non-stop eye contact with the camera like the camera is flirting with me and I’m like ya whaddup camera I see your game and it’s love love baby.

No, what? Excuse me officer, did you hear what I just said? I said a tennis reference. That’s. A. Tennis. Reference.

All right. I get it, I’ll leave. Hit me up on twitter, @preggarsman, remember ten to one hundred and your friends and family will love you more.

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The End is Near?

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I know I should go to a kitschy gift store by the beach and think, “perfect! a motorcycle guy made out of sea shells, riding a motorcycle made out of sea shells! How adorable, and right up my alley!” But instead it just makes me wonder if the end is near. Maybe I should go out less. (Also that look on their faces doesn’t help.)

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Dear Guy at the Urinal

Why, when you’re peeing, do you flush before, during AND after? What is that!?

 

I don’t know that it’s dirty, because I doubt anyone else does this … but why are you leaning forward so that your head is resting on the wall?

 

Why, when you’re done, do you shake it like you’re angry at it? You should get that figured out, with someone else.

 

Why did you look over, and then when you saw it was me, start a conversation? Why for all of that? Why? If it was someone else, would you have not started talking? If so, can I be added to the list of not-talking people?

 

Why do you do a cartoon super villain laugh, where it starts slow and gets faster and louder and your eyes get large and you look around the room in a challenging manner … Nah, just kidding. That’s me. I do that. It’s my ONE quirk, ok? Everyone is allowed one. My sincerest apologies for any and all males though.

 

No talkie, please.

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