The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘gross’

Aren’t Our Bodies NEAT!?

I’m writing this while I’m (knock on wood) nearing the end of a cold. The future is bright, my friends. It holds a cough-free me, no runny nose, and not clearing my throat ten times an hour for no good reason.

I’m on day 8 of this cold, and because it’s so fascinating for people to read about my germs, here’s the history of dear coldie and I:

  • Day 0 – No cold yet, but that hint of a sore throat feeling … It doesn’t hurt to swallow, but I notice it, and it’s not a good sign
  • Day 1 – Bit of a sore throat, not so bad, fever struck around noon like a quick punch and I felt miserable
  • Day 2 – A day of sleep (stayed home from work)
  • Day 3 – Back at work, sore throat and hint of a runny nose
  • Day 4 – Minor throat issues, full on runny nose
  • Day 5 – This nose must have Energizer batteries, because that puppy just runs, cough emerging (oh no)
  • Day 6 – Runny nose, cough, but feel decent
  • Day 7 – Less of a runny nose!, less of a cough!, feel decent! (also woke up thinking ‘all right! I slept with my mouth closed!’)
  • Day 8 – Woke up not noticing how nice it is to sleep and be able to breath through my nose (but that’s exactly what I did, I just got back to taking that for granted quickly) … nose, cough, you get the picture

Today I feel pretty decent, I even debated the idea of a jog, but I know that wouldn’t be wise. I’d cough like a maniac if I actually exerted effort.

What I am appreciative of is my nose! On Monday blowing my nose just plain hurt, the pain of rubbing tissues on that same dang spot. Ouch. Putting lotion on was a nice thought, but soon enough I’d be blowing my nose again and there goes that effort. (Which by the way is an effort, being a relatively new guy at work and rubbing lotion around my nostrils while trying to not let co-workers see and think I’m picking my nose … but the secrecy actually probably making it look more like I AM picking my nose.)

The nose, I am happy to report, is healing itself. Now when I blow my nose it’s a nuisance and an irritation, not outright pain.

For you non-cold people reading this (why in God’s name would someone have stuck with this post til the end?), appreciate your functioning body! Appreciate your deep breaths, your non-red nose, your ability to laugh at something without fear of it turning into coughing and people going, “eck” with down-turned mouths and involuntary steps back (keeping their pivot foot in place so as not to be rude).

For those of you just embarking on a cold, hold fast, friends, embrace the soup, grow to hate the soup.

Dear Guy at the Urinal

Why, when you’re peeing, do you flush before, during AND after? What is that!?


I don’t know that it’s dirty, because I doubt anyone else does this … but why are you leaning forward so that your head is resting on the wall?


Why, when you’re done, do you shake it like you’re angry at it? You should get that figured out, with someone else.


Why did you look over, and then when you saw it was me, start a conversation? Why for all of that? Why? If it was someone else, would you have not started talking? If so, can I be added to the list of not-talking people?


Why do you do a cartoon super villain laugh, where it starts slow and gets faster and louder and your eyes get large and you look around the room in a challenging manner … Nah, just kidding. That’s me. I do that. It’s my ONE quirk, ok? Everyone is allowed one. My sincerest apologies for any and all males though.


No talkie, please.

Top Annoying Habits in a Workplace Bathroom

The top five worst things that can happen when you’re in the bathroom, etiquette-wise. I won’t get in to all the crazy potential catastrophes. I’ll also leave out the lack of hand washing (because I’ve already covered that).

My buddy Juicebox and I were talking about our least favorite occurrences at the work bathroom as a consequence of working with some people who are, frankly, weird.

1 – Walking up to the bathroom the same time as someone who is a chatter. Then you have to pretend to get a call, or go stare at the vending machine that is just past the bathroom, pretending you are considering getting something (I have done this many times).

2 – Being at a urinal next to a guy who does the “ahhhhh” like he’s advertising for Coca Cola and he just took the world’s tastiest sip. Gross, dude. You’re peeing, get over it.

3 – Being anywhere at all in the bathroom when a guy in a stall (or anywhere, but particularly if he’s in a stall) answers the phone. Then I feel like a weirdo because all I want to do is make gross noises  as loud as possible. I guess the person on the other line is aware that the call receiver is in the bathroom … but if not, I just got that dude in trouble, and I’m proud of that.

4 – This one is maybe not as common an annoyance, but it sure drives me nuts. People taking excessive paper towels. Wash your hands, shake them off a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. Come on! When I see a tiny dude taking a bunch, I want to say, “come on guy, let’s be real, you’ve got tiny hands.”

5 – Hearing someone turning document pages (you can hear the difference between a newspaper, magazine, and printed out papers). Who are you? Where are you taking these papers? Please tell me you’re going to throw them away!

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