The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

Unambiguous Ways to Tell Someone You Don’t Particularly Care for Them

  1. You know when you’re drinking from a water fountain right next to a bathroom and someone flushes a toilet and the water pressure on the fountain changes and for a second your brain thinks about a flushing toilet while you’re drinking water? That’s how I feel when I see your face.
  1. Being around you is like eating lunch when suddenly a commercial about how many bits of dead rat, bugs, dead skin, etc are allowable in food processing.
  1. Have you ever walked to the bathroom and when you go inside you see that the stalls are full so you do an about face and leave the bathroom and your boss and boss’s boss are right there and they give you a quizzical look and you feel awkward so you say, “changed my mind!” but then you realize you should’ve just kept silent and walked away, but now you’re feeling like you can’t leave on the ‘changed my mind’ note so you force a laugh and that just makes things worse. It’s like … being around you feels like that.
  2. Have Clint Eastwood’s resting face.

    And this is him looking forward to seeing someone.

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Top 5 Signs to Tell If You Didn’t Get Enough Sleep Last Night

Top 5 Signs to Tell If You Didn’t Get Enough Sleep Last Night
Or
Are You a Grumpy Pants? Hmmm?

1. Local news anchors lack of budget/skill/professionalism/general ‘local news anchor’-ish behavior is not funny and endearing but annoying to the point that you turn off the TV.

2. On the drive into work overly aggressive drivers are not given the benefit of the doubt and assigned a reason like being late to something important, but are just plain jackasses who are … they’re freaking kidding me right? They really just cut that dude off twice? And for what, to hurry up and get to that red light? Moron.

3. The thought of having a genuine runny-nose, high fever, weak feeling, sore throat COLD is more appealing because it means you don’t have to leave your home.

4. Part two of the title annoyed you.

5. Having social plans for after work that night makes you angry the first half of the day.

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Abraham Lincoln and the Greeting Line

Abraham Lincoln was struggling
He famously could not tell a lie
Under his breath he was muttering
‘Is this person a girl or a guy?’

The president was standing in a line
Shaking hands and greeting everyone
He eyed the person while sipping wine
He fervently wished this event was done

One person left before it was game time
A simple sir or ma’am had gotten complicated
Lincoln thought wouldn’t a trapdoor be sublime?
Turns out interacting with people is over-rated

Lincoln stuck out his hand, his eyes searching
Hoping for the slightest sign of him or her
Finding nothing, the decision looming
He gives a noncommittal “heya, slugger”

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