The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

Running Thoughts

Are flying bugs actually a bunch of daredevils? When people are out exercising with their mouths hanging open, gasping for air, do bugs gather, dare each other, and then go for it? The goal of course being to fly in to the Sarlac Pit, the Pit of Despair, and then to fly out again.

For the true daredevils, those who have survived a trip into the Pit and come out alive, they go for the next challenge: a quick punch to the uvula (aka The Wrecking Ball), and then out again. This is why so many of us seem to choke on bugs while out and about, they weren’t absent-minded, they were the bravest and dumbest of the bug world’s daredevils.

***

I saw a guy wearing a Clippers jersey the morning after they had lost a game (a playoffs game for those of you who are not very basketball savvy). Is this man a dedicated Clippers fan, showing his support for his team despite a loss? OR, is he a very clever and mean Oklahoma City Thunder fan, walking around and delighting whenever an actual Clippers fan sees him and says, “tough loss last night, huh?”

***

If I was very passionate about a politician, here’s what I would do. Starting around four days before the election I would get a bumper sticker (or lots) for the main opposing candidate and I would drive like an absolute a-hole. The WORST. I would cut someone off, then switch lanes, slow down and flip the bird, then cut them off again. Why? No reason. People would see me, think “I hate this guy …” and maybe, JUST maybe, if this was an undecided voter I would have swayed them to vote against the candidate I am representing. Or, more likely, they will not vote.

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Du Jour of the Week

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If I Was a Grandpa …

HI KIDS. IT IS YOUR GRANDPA. I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS AND SAW A REPORT ON A THING CALLED A MEME AND I TALKED TO YOUR GRANDMA ABOUT IT AND DECIDED TO MAKE ONE FOR YOU.

I DO NOT THINK, AND YOUR GRANDMA AGREES, YOU ARE TAKING SOME THINGS THAT MAY SEEM BORING TODAY BUT IN YOUR FUTURE YOU WILL APPRECIATE, VERY SERIOUSLY. FOR EXAMPLE, DENTAL HYGIENE. ALSO, FIBER.

I FOUND A PICTURE ON THE INTERNET AND I AM TAKING IT TO USE FOR THIS MEME. I TRIED TO THE GOOGLE IT AND IT CAME BACK AND DIDN’T HAVE MY ANSWER SO I HOPE IT’S OK.

HERE IS ONE.

Concerned Raccoon 1

HERE IS ANOTHER.

Concerned Raccoon 2

HERE IS ONE I MADE TO BE FUNNY.

Concerned Raccoon 3

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOOK AT THIS AND KNOW THAT WHILE THEY ARE FUNNY THEY HAVE REAL ADVICE. GET ON THE YOLO APP AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT WITH INSTANT GRAMS. I ASSURE YOU THAT I KNOW YOU WILL TEASE EACH OTHER ABOUT YOUR OLD GRANDPA AND HOW MUCH HE WORRIES AND MAYBE IT FEELS LIKE I AM COMING IN LIKE A MY LEE CYRUS WRECKING BALL BUT I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

YOUR GRANDMA IS ABOUT TO SEND YOU 17 FORWARDS, SEVERAL WITH RACIST JOKES, SO PLEASE READ THOSE VERY CAREFULLY THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.

LOVE OR WHATEVER,
GRANDPA

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Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

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Babysitter Quiz

About a year ago I was visiting family in Arizona. We were all together for Christmas and it afforded me an opportunity to be a punk cousin (which is a delightful thing to be).

My sister was talking to two of my cousins who are in high school about the idea of them babysitting her child. My cousins are smart, and they have both babysat before so I think they are qualified (plus that whole family thing). My sister was excited about the idea of having them as potential sitters. I jokingly reprimanded my sister for so readily allowing them to babysit without putting them through any sort of test. She said I could go ahead and ask them questions to check their babysitter readiness levels.

I don’t know exactly what I asked, but I know at some point I was asking questions about Bigfoot. When they passed that part I moved on to a clever version of Bigfoot, who would disguise himself and attempt to trick them.

With my credibility now established, I would like to give you three key questions to ask any kid who thinks he/she is good enough to babysit your child/children.

 

1 – What is the sporks greatest fear?

(This will challenge their ability to think on their feet and deal with the unexpected. Why would a babysitter need to be mentally quick? Oh I don’t know, maybe because kids are f-ing crazy.)

 

2 – You can only have tuna fish sandwiches for the rest of your life, how many times a day do you brush your teeth?

(This one checks if they are easily grossed out, if so, they probably shouldn’t be around kids. Especially not your kids, because they are particularly smelly.)

 

3 – Does your mom or dad work in a science laboratory, or perhaps chemical plant?

(Let’s be honest, your kid is probably not a super hero. But MAYBE, if you are lucky, your babysitter has a parent who works at a place with crazy chemicals and through some work accident the kid will end up with a syringe full of potential in their backpack and it will end up mutating your child into something truly awesome.)

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Weekly Wacko

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