The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

The Lonely Adventurers

Little boys see danger
Where there is only a tree
Little boys see adventure
While escaping responsibility

Little boys grow up and make for great adventurers
But, have you ever stopped to wonder,
When they’re out shaking hands with death
If, when their body comes back, their heart’s all asunder

From Portugal to India, you opened the world, but,
Did you call out for your mama?
When on your death-bed with malaria,
Oh, explorer-great, Vasco de Gama?

You can circumnavigate with the best, Ferdinand Magellan
You sail with seemingly no hint of fear
But you couldn’t circumnavigate your need for a hug
As you died, pierced, by a bamboo spear

Here, fishy, fishy!, heeeere, fishy, fishy, fishy!
Where did you go, Jacques Cousteau?
And where are you now, exploring still?
Or are you cuddled up with a throw pillow?

Aging is terrible, said the fountain of youth, laughing
A quest to find it was the aim of Juan Ponce de Leon
He failed, dying of an arrow wound, and reconnecting with his youth:
The fetal position is great for when you’re poisoned and alone

Adventurers embrace risks and danger
They will go down in history’s annals
Often so close to their goals …
They only lacked stuffed animals

So … I really like this idea, but I don’t like this poem much. I’m throwing it out there with the best of intentions to re-write it at a future date. Really, being an explorer would be craaaaazy scary. And these guys (except Cousteau, the only modern one in this bunch) kept dying in foreign lands! (Not for no reason, they were often taking “unclaimed’ lands and killing or converting as they saw fit.)

Anywho, it’s “funny” (maybe interesting is a better word) to think of explorers dying, sad and lonely, in far-away places after living an incredibly tough-guy, amazing life.

Also I don’t like the concluding verse … But I chose to watch the basketball game rather than think about it. GO LOUISVILLE!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Innies and Outies – The Bottom Line

Let’s say in the course of a day, an innie belly button collects one gram of lint.

In a year, that’s 365 grams of lint collected.

That means that person’s dryer had to deal with 365 grams less of lint.

May or may not be 365 grams of lint.

From Wal-Mart’s website, 160 Bounce-brand dryer sheets cost $6.84. That means about 4.275 cents per dryer sheet.

For now we will assume that the use of a belly button as an extra lint-trap acts to save one dryer sheet per year.

The life expectancy in the United States is 78.2 years, according to World Bank data from 2010. (Canadian friends, your average life expectancy is 80.8 years so you should really be paying attention.)

Given that an innie belly button saves one dryer sheet per year, the average life expectancy is 78.2 years, and the cost per dryer sheet (in today’s dollars) is 4.275 cents – an innie belly button can save you $3.34.

Innie belly buttons: they don’t just make sense, they make dollars.

Not necessarily $3.34, but THIS blogger, for one, is lazy. (Read that in your local news anchor voice, please.)

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Du Jour of the Week

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Charlie Sheen’s Most Popular Body Part

We live in a strange, strange world my friends.

About two years ago all of the Charlie Sheen craziness was happening. (You know, when he said stuff like, “Dying is for fools. Amateurs.” This website has a number of his gems.) I took the opportunity to write a silly blog post (because I do that about everything, anyway) and it has led to a really unexpected result.

My blog post talked about Charlie Sheen’s different body parts using crazy phrases (it was a ton of fun to write). One of the body parts was, “You Know …” and the accompanying tag was “Charlie Sheen’s penis.” Here’s what I said about that body part:

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

Oh, two year ago self, how innocent and naive you were. Take a look at this weird result. These are search terms that have led people to my blog.

Charlie Sheen penis

At least whoever wanted to see a quokka had their request satisfied.

I’m not sure when it started, because I only recently started looking at the search terms that led to my blog on a somewhat-regular basis. But here are the results, as of today:

  • charlie sheen penis – 37
  • charlie sheen’s penis – 33
  • charlie sheens penis – 25
  • charlie sheen’s dick – 11
  • charlie sheen cock – 11
  • charlie sheen penis pic – 9
  • charlie sheen dick pic – 7
  • charlie sheen cock pic – 6
  • charlie sheens dick – 6
  • charlie sheen penis pictures – 5
  • charlie sheen penis picture – 5
  • charlie sheen cock pics – 5
  • charlie sheens cock – 5
  • charlie sheen penis shot – 4
  • pictures of charlie sheen’s penis – 4
  • charlie sheen’s penis picture – 3
  • picture of charlie sheen’s cock – 3
  • charlie sheens penis pic – 3
  • picture of charlie sheen dick – 3
  • charlie sheen dick pics – 3

Ok, I had to stop. This is really weird. My blog is not popular AT ALL and yet people type this in and end up coming to my blog? Really? My blog is not first page of results material unless you include “dumbfunnery” in your search. How weird are people?

I realize this post will probably lead even more misguided internet weirdos to my blog, but you know what?, maybe this will be their wake up call (doubtful, but it’ll get me more hits).

I’m feeling very disturbed. I’m going to go watch cartoons and pretend I live in a simpler, nicer world.

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Weekly Wacko

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